I spent 18 years of my early life living with my parents and will need the rest of my life to break free of their influences. Amongst the people who has a sway in shaping who I am, I admit that my dad, with his rigid set of what is good and wrong for me, ranks #1 in influences on me.
Our relationship is getting better now, but from time to time, he still lapse back into his old ways and use that disapproving yet condescending tone on me over the phone. It’d always leave a bad taste on my mouth when I hang up feeling angry of the intrusion. The disrespect on my judgment and most importantly, the lack of support for a decision that I arrived at. It also explains why there’s such a big cultural difference between the races.
It wasn’t until I left home and started dating people from other culture did I understand that there is another type of parental love. Families where parents actually cared and asks about what the children wants instead of having an imaginary “future” shoved down the kids’s throat. I envy most of you and am appalled when I learned about how teenagers lash back. Too much of what dad cared about is saving face. To have an outstanding kid is the reason why Asian parents constantly pressure their kids to fit that image of a professional money making machine. It is shameful when your kids turn out bad and they seem to lose their standing within the family structure if they do.
Often, I’d try to bring up certain interesting people I meet and my dad would harrumph as usual before dismissing those people as the garbage of society or certain hobbies as a waste of time… but really, what on earth isn’t a waste of time in the end? There is no curiosity, no sense of exploration. Just the usual: “You better not do that, because I’ll look down on you.” Till this day, it still have limited effect on me for a short period of time. I’d just end up doing whatever he disapprove of anyway, but because I have to struggle against this long established habit, it leaves me more vulnerable compared to people who never had to.
I hated him when he opposed my first passion in dancing, threatening to cut all financial help for school. I showed him my way by working part time and paying my own bills until I started flunking classes due to lack of sleep and time. He cared more about my education than I did, which was the only reason I won the fight between us. That is probably when I realized that what he wanted me to grow up to be, is very boring. Was he jealous that I did what I wanted without constrain because he couldn’t do it when he was young? Was I threatening his illusion of absolute authority and control that he felt he needed to reassert his position? At one point in time, I realized that I have surpassed him in terms of the evolution of my spirit. Asians, I find, don’t spend much time on improving their spirituality.
Amongst the numerous negative traits passed down to me from our relationship, condescension is the one I am having the most trouble getting rid of. It’s something that I have to struggle in order to hold back. The control slips from time to time when I wasn’t checking and is especially obvious when I drink too much coffee.
Dad has probably realized some of what I wrote also. He is a more humble person now, perhaps through realizing his own mortality, he’s able to see what I see. I forgive him for what he did, but it still hurts. I only wish that I turned back in time so I can still change while I am not too set in my ways yet. I hope in doing so, dad can learn and transcend his own faults through watching me.
For the longest time I’ve asked myself: “Where is home?” And for about two third of my life I answered: “I don’t know.” It used to be a clear cut answer when I was small. When I only had one citizenship and lived in the same house in the same city for 10 years. My home town was Taipei and my home was a house there. My home country was Taiwan.
Where the line blurred
Then, things got blurry as I added citizenship after citizenship and moved around the world a bit. Moving between cities is a common event, provinces about once every 4 years. Countries… around once per decade. So you see my dilemma when I ask myself, where is home? I can’t really say that it’s the place that I stayed at the longest, not the country I was born in nor any description with “most” in anything.
My condo
Buying this condo, was an attempt at growing roots and to have something to call home, because I desperately wanted a sense of belonging. I don’t want to admit to myself that I only truly feel I belong when I am on the road, in stranger’s company. Perhaps, I prefer to be on the move because I liked the niceties of a newly formed relationship but dreaded the strain of hurting old friendships. After all, strangers are nice to strangers and if they don’t like you, it doesn’t hurt as much because they don’t know you. I was afraid that I’d have to face the reality that I am not really good at making long term friends if I settled down. Or perhaps I find the same wanderlust in the heart’s of people who are on the road. A sense of carefree attitude that is unbounded by anything. We go where we want to and when we want to without following anyone else’s orders. Everyone is in a sense, the boss of their own lives. While in contrast, I have more bosses that have a say in what I do when I am tied down to a spot.
So I settled down to face my fear and made an attempt to do whatever I want with the place. My preference in life is reflected in the space that I occupy, especially so in the living room, where everything converges. My living room is not a living in the traditional sense where you get a TV and couches to sit in order to watch TV. Instead it has a more utilitarian function where everything is there to serve a non-entertainment related function.
I am a firm believer of less-is-more and have not bothered wasting time on TV for the majority of my life. The big empty spaces are so that I can practice and teach dance if I have to. There’s also the bowflex for muscle training and a projector for movies. The screen for the projector serves a second purpose for photography backdrops. The furnitures are as close to nature’s unchanged state as possible and are chosen due to their proximity to the ground for an informal and laid back environment. Things that are easilly moved around to make space for whatever occasion.
The Kitchen
I still haven’t invited many people over yet, mainly because it is not finished. Nothing is fully furnished and nothing has been done to my taste except for the kitchen. The reason is very simple, my greed made me put all the cash in the stock market. Why the kitchen? I am a very big fan of good food as well as cooking them. So I am not going to skimp on kitchen appliances. Sadly, everything else suffered because of that.
The guest room
I’ve recently cleared out a guest room from what used to be my woodwork shop/ storage place. I figured that if I am tied down and can’t travel to my heart’s content, I might as well bring the travelers to me. I am offering this to international students or professionals who just moved to Canada as well as couch surfers if nobody is occupying it at the moment. Hopefully I will get to expand my horizons this way.
So that’s it, my little corner on earth, that I’d rather not expose, but glad I did. It has been too intimate a thing to reveal until recently, when I started having guests.
Let me start this post with the first song in their album to set the tone: Doo Wop Blues.
Nadia Bashalani
Nadia knew what she’s going to do with her life and so did everyone else who knew her. At least, that’s the impression I got when we were all in high school. Like everything else, there are ups and downs in whatever path one decides to take. What counts is whether or not you get knocked out of the race during the down time.
Performing art is, from my point of view, one of the hardest to master because everything is live and there are no room to hide your mistakes. Mistakes will happen, whether or not the audience notices them is dependent on the performer’s personality. Watching Nadia on stage made me understand some of the questions I had when I was still performing and dancing. Also, probably the part I missed the most: your fans.
I am glad that she made it to this point. It gives me hope that I will be able to achieve the goals I set and inspires me to keep going. This is someone I knew, this is real.
The Tchotchkes
The band that’s playing is called the Tchotchkes. I am not really sure what their relationships are like, but from observation, it looked very harmonious. I like to watch the little interactions between its members. The questioning look to the guitarist, the reply as a nod and the confirmation back through some other form of signal. Synergies only possible when you’ve played together for a while.
And yes, the bass player’s braids are real hair.
Likes/Dislikes
Sound wise, I believe they are a band who sounds better in real life than on CD. The overall feelings I get from the song is that of optimism, a style that I haven’t delved in much and could come to like in time. They did have a few that suits my current mood: Invasion. It is a jazz type song which, along with film noir, makes up my current preference in entertainment. View from Below will be a good one for you swing kids to dance to. There were also 4 songs that is not on the CD. Two of which I really enjoyed and am anxiously waiting to be released. You can tell that they are branching out and experimenting with their style from these.
One thing about the live concert I didn’t enjoy is how loud the speakers are. Granted, I was in the front row so it stands to reason that my ears were ringing when I got out of the place. That isn’t what I am trying to get at. I believe some of the feeds were amplified too much that the speakers reached saturation at numerous points. I would’ve preferred if the guitars were tuned down a bit so it is easier to make out the durms, and the other instruments + chorus. Then again, that’s just my own personal preference.
Songs
Drifter Beside You
End of My Time
Invasion
Swinging
The City
The Indecision
Two Sides Denied
View From Below
Waterfall Serenade
Photography
I’ve been able to get all the shots I wanted thanks to my previous experiences shooting dancesport competition. It made me feel good that I am improving in night photography, the area that I am most interested in. Compared to fast moving dancers, capturing musicians performing on stage seems like a piece of cake. Sure, I still get blurry images from time to time, but I only have about 1/3 of the images that are blurry compared to my first time where only 1/500 is good enough to be used. As I progress in my knowledge, I have more time to enjoy the actual show and the singing instead of trying to capture the shots by luck.
The editing wasn’t quite as obvious. I have never investigated what style is good for concerts so I just opted to make it crisp and clear while showing a color tone that’s closest to the lightings that night. Everything turned out the way I wanted it to. I am just ignorant of what’s a better way to present them.
Contacts
If you enjoys her music and would like to find out what’s going on next, you can contact her at nadiabashalani@hotmail.com at the moment, I am not sure how you can get her CD beside going to her live conert. I guess stay tuned to find out.
