UltraCrepidate

I keep asking. Am I just escaping to another country when this one isn’t going well with me? Going away till everyone forgot me and coming back when the water is clear? So many questions, so many doubts. So much shit to learn about the other culture. I can’t even friggin’ speak a sentence without adding in english words.

When all is decided, there’s nothing else to do but remember the good times and wait…

It’s raining hard recently. Good, it fits my mood. My flight has been changed to August 2nd and I felt nothing upon hearing the news. I don’t care about leaving or staying anymore and I am tired of realizing facts about life. Life is life fuck with it and deal with it. I am tired of thinking, I am tired of soul searching and I am tired of understanding. I am tired of doing so much for others and trying so hard. Isn’t it time that…

Maybe I am expecting too much from others. Yes I am. I hate helping others. Because after it is done, I see this reflection of my own problems that needs the help of others. I yearn to be saved each time I go that extra mile for someone else. I yearn and I wait, until the hope dies down and I eventually saved myself from my own demise. Each time, become more and more independant of others, each time losing faith in people.

Yet I understand that only I can save myself. But I also want to feel that there’s someone there willing to give me that push along the way and make me feel warm all over.

The soft kiss goodbye. The hug and the chest pain that comes after. Like a frozen frame in the movies, it burnt itself into my memory. The moment, unforgiving, pushed on by time. The last time we’ll see each other.

August 6th is my plane. I will leave for Taiwan. I have no fear because the pain is deafening. I am tired of struggling. I think, I will let the tides of events sweep me off my feet and forget myself in the unforgiving embrace of life. Merging with my kind and let everything go. Start over. Everything that I was for the past 13 years will be erased. And everything that I was for the 10 years before that have changed beyound recognition. I will start over as a stranger amongst my kind.

Everything changed in one day and triggered by one little thing. I can feel emotions building up inside of me. Negative ones.
My chest hurts and life really looks disgusting. At times like this to a person in this situation, I would bring out the fact that the person is very lucky to have something else. Very lucky to be just alive etc. etc. As well as refer to the article about excusitis.
Well, fuck that. Those are good for the aftermath. The stabilization part is… lonely. All those fucking advices and wise words means nothing to me right now.

People– as you think yourself to success, that’s what you will study, people. You will study people very carefully to discover, then apply, success-rewarding principles to your life. And you want to begin right away.

Go deep into your study of people, and you’ll discover unsuccessful people suffer a mind-deadening thought disease. We call this disease excusitis. Every failure has this disease in its advanced form. And most “average” persons have at least a mild case of it.

You will discover that excusitis explains the difference between the person who is going places and the fellow who is barely holding his own. You will find that the more successful the individual, the less inclined he is to make excuses.

But the fellow who has gone nowhere and has no plans for getting anywhere always has a bookful of reasons to explain why. Persons with mediocre accomplishments are quick to explain why they haven’t, why they don’t, why they can’t, and why they aren’t.

Study the lives of successful people and you’ll discover this: all the excuses made by the mediocre fellow could be but aren’t made by the successful person.

I have never met nor heard of a highly successful buisness executive, military officer, salesman, professional person or leader in any field who could not have found one or more major excuses to hide behind. Roosevelt could have h idden behind his lfeless legs; Truman could have used “no college education”; Kennedy could have said “I’m too young to be president”; Johnson and Eisenhower could have ducked behind heart attacks.

Like any disease, excusitis gets worse if it isn’t treated properly. A victim of this thought disease goes through this mental process: “I’m not doing as well as I should. What can I use as an alibi that will help me save face? Let’s see: poor health? lack of education? too old? too young? bad luck? personal misfortune? wife? the way my family brought me up?”

Once the victim of this failure disease has selected a “good” excuse, he sticks with it. Then he relies on the excuse to explain to himself and others why he is not going forward.

And each time the victim makes the excuse, the excuse becomes imbedded deeper within his subconsciousness. Thoughts, possitive or negative, grow stronger when fertilized with constant repetition. At first the victim of excusitis knows his alibi is more or less a lie. But the more frequently he repeats it, the more convinced he becomes that it is completely true, that the alibi i the real reason for his not being the success he should be.

Procedure One, then, in your individual program of thinking yourself to success, must be to vaccinate yourself against excusitis, the disease of the failures.

Excusitis appears in a wide variety of forms, but the worst types of this disease are health excusitis, intelligence excusitis, age excusitis and luck excusitis. Now let’s see just how we can protect ourselves from these four common ailments.

FOUR MOST COMMON FORMS OF EXCUSITIS

1. “But my health isn’t good.” Health excusitis ranges all the way from the chronic ” I don’t feel good,” to the more specific “I’ve got such and such wrong with me.”

“bad” health, in a thousand different forms, is u sed as an excuse for failing to do what a person wants to do, failing to accept greater responsibilities, failing to make more money, failing to achieve success.

Millinos and millions of people suffer from health excusitis. But is it, in most cases, a legitimate excuse? Think for a moment of all the highly successful people you know who could-but who don’t -use health as an excuse.

My physician and surgeon friends tell me the perfect speciment of adult life is non-existent. There is something physically wrong with everybody. Many surrender in whole or in part to health excusitis but success-thinking people do not.

Two experience3s happened to me in one afternoon that illustrate the correct and incorrect attitude toward health. I had just finished a talk in Cleveland. Afterwards, one fellow, about 39, asked to speak to me privately for a few minutes. He compolimented me on the meeting, but then said, “I’m afraid your ideas can’t do me much good.”

“You see,” he continued, “I’ve got a bad heart, and I’ve got to hold myself in check.” He went on to explian that he’d seen four doctors but they couldn’t find his trouble. He asked me what I would suggest he do.

“Well,” I said, “I now nothing about the heart, but as one layman to another, here are three things I’d do. First, I’d visit the finest heart specialist I could find and accept his diagnosis as final. You’ve already checked with four doctors and nonoe of them has found anything peculiar with your heart. Let the fifth doctor be your final check. It may very well be you’ve got a perfectly sound heart. But if you keep on worrying about it, eventually you may have a very serious heart ailment. Looking and looking and looking for an illness often actually produces illness.

“The second thing I’d recommend is tha tyou read Dr. Schindler’s great book, How to live 365 days a year. Dr. Schindler show sin this book that three out of every four hospital beds are occupied by people who have EII–Emotionally Induced Illness. Imagine, three out of four people who are sick right now would be well if they had learned how to handle their emotions. REead Dr. Schindler’s book and develop your program for emotions management.

“Third, I’d resolve to live until I die.” I went on to explain to this troubled fellow some sound advice I received manay years ago from a lawyer friend who had an arrested case of tuberculosis. This friend knew he would have to live a regulated life but this hasn’t stopped him from practicing law, rearing a fine familly and really enjoying life. My friend, who now is 78 years old, expresses his philosophy in these words: ” I’m going to live until I die and I’m not going to get life and death confused. While I’m on this earth I’m gonig to live. Why be only half alive? Every minute a perosn spends worrying about dying is just one mintue that fellow might as well have been dead.”

I had to leave at that point because I had to be on a certiaqn plane for Detroit. On the plane the second but much more pleasant experience occurred. After the noise of the take-off, I heard a ticking osund. Rather startled, I glanced at the fellow sitting beside me, for the sound seemed to be coming from him.

He smiled a big smile and said, “Oh, it’s not a bomob. It’s just my heart.”

I was obviously surprised, so he proceeded to tell me what had happened.

Just 21 days before, he had undergone an operation which involved putting a plastic valve into his heart. The ticking sound, he explained, would continue for several months until new tissue had grown over the artificial valve. I asked him what he was going to do.

“Oh,” he said, “I’ve got big plans. I’m going to study law when I get back to Minnesota. Someday I hope to be in government work. The doctors tell me I must take it easy for a few months, but after that I’ll be like new.”

I joined a professional training service. They give us workshops on how to call people up and get an interview. Basically, ways to get around the phone block. Within, the week, they’ve turned me into a buisnessman. Something I’ve dreaded for a while. It was only a matter of learning how to apply my confidence and my intuition I learnt before into calling people.

And of course practices practices and practices. Calling up random manager of random company and getting an interview is a great feeling and once you got it once. It keeps on coming.

In a matter of 3 days, I’ve filled up my time with alot to do and people to see. It is great. It is not as depressing as before and I am having fun. Most of the people there are changing too. Everyone’s afraid of being hurt, everyone’s afraid of calling someone and begging for a job. But one by one, we all come to the realization that we are not begging, but playing a game of persuation. We are not begging, but selling outselves and exchaning services. It was hard and embarrassing on the first few tries, but it was worth it afterwards. You must see it as a learning experience all the time. Just getting past the secretary is a fun experiment. I always imagine myself as an important buisness partner when I call them and the secretary will be too afraid to ask questions due to the tone of my voice. Then, after that, it’s just a matter of showing whichever manager you get to talk to, how much guts you have and how persistant you are. Yes, people get annoyed at you calling them, but that’s only if they know you personally and don’t interact with you on a professional level. Just like dating, where people would ignore your call. I find it easier to contact those whom I’ve never talk to before because they’d first respect my guts before thinking of anything else.

The most important trick is to throw your ego out of the window and let everyone stomp on it till it is shattered beyound repair. Then you have nothing to lose.

To have no prejudice towards any group of people and prosecute them without preferences. Then why can people plead mentally insane during the act of crime? Retarded or not, they deserve the same sentence.

If retardation can be argued, where do you draw the line of norme? What do you use to measure people’s mental stability. Of course everyone will be in a psychological insanity state when they are murdering someone. Who isn’t? Those stupid psychologist’s testament after the crime. Of course the criminal are going to pretend to be dumb and deranged. Even if they are really mentally ill, we still have to lock them away. Because it further confirm that they will commit the same crime again.

God damn it. Why do minority get so much power.

I end up deep into my thoughts again. Rethinking my strategies and my stubborness on what I want to do and what I feel ashamed of doing. My mistakes that I made before and the situation I am in. I am presented with a perfect opportunity, yet I was too stubborn to see it. I am lucky and I should take advantage of it.
I realized that I was afraid of the unknown. Afraid of something I never know before. Now the idea has taken root in my heart and I am willing to give it a chance.

Fortunately, I have the whole weekend to think about it.

I tripped on my own foot today. The amazing thing is, everything seems to be in slow motion. My balance was so good and my legs powerful and fast that I took my time to adjust my balance. It didn’t feel like I was falling.

Dancing rules.