UltraCrepidate

I’ve noticed a few thing about women in this country and why I am attracted to the women I am attracted to. I’ve just noticed how women here don’t wear earrings… and when they do, it is obvious what kind of personality they have. It is also easy to judge how shy the person is by how they laugh. The shy ones have a tendency to use their hand to cover their mouth and wipe their nostrils in one motion to check if there’s any snot… I personally dislike this behavior. I like someone who can laugh openly.

But today, that’s not what I am going to write about. Today, my partner didn’t show up for practice. Strangely I find myself glad that my secret wish became true. Now I can dump her with good reason… I’ve seen it coming though. Women who are too nice to say no always go through the same routine in hopes that the men will dump her instead… Getting there late, cancel at last moment and finally not showing up. Sadly, I couldn’t care less, cause I have other worries on my mind right now. Which one of the other 3 should I choose?

Hearing so much about people’s fucked up life, listening to their doubts, discussing about it and feeling them echoed in my mind; I’ve come to realize that, no, I don’t know what I am doing in life. I am no longer concerned about seeking out that special someone to complete me and share my life with. I am worried more about finding out what I am supposed to be doing with my life. Now that I’ve opened up my mind to all possibilities and not heading straight towards one goal, I feel comfortably at ease with the world and people around me.

Gone are the judgements I pass on people and in comes acceptance. I am slowly growing fond of the culture here. Even though rugged and tough at corners, but it is cute…

I’ve made up my mind to travel around the world… in 2 years. For how long? I don’t know. Until I find myself again. My new quest, while working away at my current job and slowly killing my body, is to find someone who wants to do the same with me in 2 years.

Yes, I am lost. The one goal I’ve been chasing for the past 13 years has been achieved. I am now an engineer. It is no longer the support beam of my whole existence. I am left at the end of the line wondering. Did I win? Did I lose? Does it matter?

By chance you read this. Will you go travel with me and get lost in the world?

I ronically you can only see how much of a man someone is when he is broke with no money and just getting by. Rich people never have to struggle with the desire of buying a nice comfy bed now, or continue sleeping on the floor to save up some more money.

On a side note. I have 4 dancers whom have shown intention to dance with me.
Dancer 1: The first partner I dumped. She’s in open level and have made it clear that she wants me back. I don’t like her nagging though and she is way better than me.

Dancer 2: My current partner, I didn’t like her before because she didn’t show any interest in working hard. Plus I hate her guts. She’s just a rich spoilt brat who doesn’t know what hardship really is and try to simulate it by cutting the connection between her and her parents. But she is showing committment to dance and practice more. Probablly because the teacher is putting some pressure.

Dancer 3: She’s probablly what I would call a perfect partner. We were paired up for a group lesson one day and we can feel the right chemistry between us. She’s fun to be around and easy to communicate with. Her standard, although she doesn’t know much about steps, but her basic and her frame is very well established… our body fit perfectly together in a standard hold… The only problem would be her boyfriend and the fact that I’d decide to stay in taiwan forever if we are to dance together.

Dancer 4: One of my admirer from the group lessons. She travels for 2 hour once everyweek here to dance. She is romantically interested in me and is a pretty good dancer and good looking. Has a job and has no boyfriend. But she’s too short for standard.

has changed. I’ve begun to listen to the lyrics in musics instead of just treating the voice as another instrument… Then some of the songs I ignored before, start to make sense as feelings of the story mingle with the other instruments.

Have you ever just look up from the ground one day and felt a difference in how you look at the world through your eyes? As if you are watching a movie through your eyes and the world is the movie screen. You became aware of all sounds, movements, noises, because your senses are hightened. A moment of crystal clarity.

Unless you learnt to treasure the present as it is, you’ll be left, wanting. THe past moments that you failed to enjoy.

I am experiencing all these wise words. All the questions, all the doubts that I’ve read, seen or heard. Thinking about them and trying desperately to find myself and my own answers, is different than experiencing them and making a decision right there based on your feelings…

See yourself in the shoes of a police officer. At your mercy, a woman struggling with livelihood to support her children. But what she does is illegal. What would you do? Every answer leads to another problem and this is how society functions.

I think I’ve understood how to make friends: time and respect. In my past, because of constant moving, I am constantly thrown into strange environments where I don’t know anyone. The feeling this brings up is always that of loneliness and rejection. And as living beings, we compensate our behavior to fit our environment. I can either shut myself completely from the world, or become super aggressive at making new friends. The latter is the personality I’ve adopted. Little did I know, that my zeal to make contact only serves to scare people away.

when you need to make time for your emotions to settle. Isolate yourself and embrace your emotions face on and do it until your whole being climax to an unbearable height with it.

But that’s a luxury for those without responsibilities in life. Working has been… difficult with so many other things going on. I feel like I have to block my emotions, so I can continue what I do. I cannot fail else others fail along with me. It can be describe by one of the lyrics in Baha man’s music:” When I feel my life I cannot see it.”

On other note, I gasped in awe at the sudden realization of how the middle finger gesture get associated with the dirty word “fuck”. Whoever used that the first time, must be a master in bed.

When you’ve worked for 11 hours a day, 7 days a week for two months straight. You just won’t feel like putting on that hair gel to give them their daily lubrication or shaving your beard that’s growing like wild bushes. This is when you really ask yourself this question. “Is this it?”

No of course not. I can’t let myself settle into comfort like this. I have to force myself to do things and move. Grab the excitement. Otherwise, once you settle, the excitement won’t seem like excitement anymore.

The internet, is definitely the worst thing that can ever happen to a person. With its continuous use, you stop needing to have other human interactions. But then again, not everyone in real life would want to hear about what you have to say.

Anyway, I feel like I have succeeded in deepening my voice and slowing the speed at which I speak. I wonder doing so in one language will do the same in other languages I know. Unconsciously I mean.

Human Instrumentation Project:
sexuality.sex.fingering +=2;
sexuality.mystery.voice +=2;

Imagine knowing someone for the rest of your life. A person who penetrated your mind and saw you for who you are, who you were, who you one to be and who you hide from the public. You share your existence as if your bodily fluids runs through the same vessels, except you are of two mind, two seperate bodies. Can you see the hard truth? Standing erect alone in a field of uncertainties? Imagine it as reality and imagine yourself pondering on this question again and again. Nice isn’t it? To feel excited about such a great constant that won’t change? A hard fact you can depend on, lean on, or lay on without worry.

What is the truth?

Human Instrumentation Project:
skills.wine.merlot += 1;
technology.icdesign.verilog.model += 1;
technology.icdesign.verilog.pwm += 1;

The news announced another SARS outbreak. This time due to the carelessness of scientists at conducting research. Threats of going to war by our president of the state if China ever uses another scar tactic on us again. Danger here, danger there.

Out of all these. I felt indifference. How, I wonder, did I change from the boy who cared so much about everything and reacts strongly to anything to this facade. Yes, I am pleasant, outgoing and always smiling to people I talk to. Along with other things, they are programmed response I trained myself to do when all the time, I am crying screaming inside. No, you didn’t like me because of me. If you have seen him… and stayed, forgive me for falling in love with you.

Human Instrumentation Project:
dancesport.chacha.walk +=1;

What is reality? It is the sensation of having finally completed an extremely challenging piece thinking that the rest of the day is going to be all uphill due to this success. Then you look around, trying to find someone to share it with. Only to see, people’s indifference stare, because what you’ve done, although a great achievement for you, is so insignificant for the greater picture that it is not worth getting excited about.

Then you get off work, heading towards the dance studio, thinking that dancing will cheer you up. It always did. And since you’ve broken the ice shield of your partner last time, it should be easier this time… You were wrong. Talking to her, was like trying to fish from a pond of wet cement. She responds with “not really” and “I don’t knows” to everything I ask of her. Even open ended questions…

I feel lost. It is so hard to bond with people, when you don’t know their culture, nor their humours and the vocabularly you have is limited. These are times, when i start to doubt if I made a wrong choice.

It’s an impression. To be straight forward and direct. True, people trust you more when you seem like a straight forward guy who doesn’t beat around the bush… But people are still people. They don’t want to hear what they don’t like to hear. I’ve discovered that it’s an art, to seem like you are not holding anything back. When used correctly, it is deadly… in a positive way I mean.

I am thinking about writing some script for my human instrumentation project, but I just discovered that my webpage is gone. Of course, I cancelled that credit card. Oh well.

Human Instrumentation Project:

Learnt principle of straight forwardness.

My heart has been beating irregularly quite often lately. It is a bad omen, but I feel like ignoring it. I want to drive my body to the extreme and let it fail, knowing that I’ve chased my dream without caring about my own well being and without reserve. Really, if it is a disease of the heart, I’ll be left crippled anyway, so why not explode instead of burning out slowly?

That i’ve been lying to myself? Through trying to befriend everyone I know, I am betraying my own feelings of distaste and hatred? But what if my desire to change my own selfish hatred and reach the state of comfort is stronger than those feelings. Am I betraying them? Or am I simply killing them? Through all these changes, leaving myself an empty shell, unable to stick to one opinion about how I am or who I am?

I feel like writing again. Both to practice my english and as a way to complete my thoughts that I never get to complete on a normal heptic day.

Looking back, I’ve never been able to find a group of friends I am comfortable with. Where they just accept me and I them. I wonder, through my pursuit of the murky goals I set, what is wrong with me? But I am trying to change. I am learning and learning, the way to converse and the way to behave. I am learning to be positive and fun to be with.

Today, I started my own human improvement project:
I read palmistry
I broke the ice with a cute cashier.

The 4 months I’ve been here I’ve:
Acquire 2 phone numbers from women I’ve never seen.
Practiced and applied seduction technique on one woman.
Receive 4 signals from girl to approach and approached.
Went out on one date.

Writing feels so good. But I think being read is even better.

Just recapping on the socializing I’ve done for the record. No I haven’t been sitting idle.

Going out with groups of strangers I’ve never met. X 3
People I say hi/nod to regurlarly:
-Front door guard X 2
-Receptionists at the gym X 3
-Guard on the way to the gym
-Members of gym X 2
-Gym trainers X 2
-Co-workers X 2
-Dancers at studio X 3

People I talk to regularly
-Dancers at studio X 5
-Trainer at the gym X 1
-Co-Workers X6

People I consider friends
-Dancers X 4
-”Previous” best friends X 2
-School friends X 3

The special people
X 4

Sadly, the special ones are all far far away. I am making an effort to make lots of friends though.