UltraCrepidate

Not afraid of my own thoughts, needs and glitches.
Not caring about what others want you to behave.
Not needing what I don’t have.
Not needing what others can offer.
and chasing after what I want.

This is the exact opposite of the current me… But I was him and I want him back.

“You can’t weigh love on a balance. It’s not as if after finding a better person, you will be able to let go of someone you loved before. How can you weigh the love for them both?” So long in english, but only 10 words in Mandarin. I was wowified.

I was suddenly made aware of a part of the culture here that I couldn’t understand before. Back then, I asked, why not as many girls wear makeup here. Then the answer came. It’s a shame to wear makeup. People lookup at natural toned moistured white skin and shun at any kind of makeups. Natural beauty is actually more important. Makeup is also related to sex industry… It’s all in the culture. “The way to do things in a place”

The problem that arise with this is that even ugly people don’t wear makeups. Shit.

This is the first time I’ve ever deleted a journal entry. It was… a story. My story… but it’s not time to write it yet, because the period hasn’t been drawn.

I think… I can let go now. I am going to stop dancing and take the time to enjoy life. I need to learn, to have fun again.

“Stop dreaming and start living Peter.”

The thought echoed in my mind like a bonefire on a cold desert night. It was already there on music sheets that I composed. But to have someone play the notes and actuallying hearing it instead of imagining the music is overwhelming.

On any other giving time, I would’ve ignored it, but that night. All the conditions are met to make me open my mind to thoughts.

They float around every corner of my thought… I can’t shake it off, or shut it away.

What comes out of the wound, when there’s no more blood in you?

I am like a little kid who needs people to know the little good deeds I’ve done.

I think I’ve managed to isolate the flaw in my character. It was hard because my subconscious kept trying to block me from it. Even as I speak, my mind automatically wonders away from the truth. Sort of like suppressed memories. It is a feeling there, but I just don’t want to go deep into it.

Laughter is my automatic defense. When I am embarrassed. So sometimes I laugh at the wrong thing. It has something to do with my nature to try and make the mood comfortable around me.

There’s also my tendency to cut off others as soon as I heard what I want to hear. I don’t let people finish. I have to remember that others want to be heard too. It also explains why I have problems understanding what people says sometimes. I can hear the sound and reproduce them perfectly, but I just couldn’t understand the meaning. I used to think that it is because I have to first find the language out of the 3 I speak by finding some keywords and tone that tells me which language it is. But I’ve ignored the fact that my brain could filter out things I don’t want to hear when i don’t expect to hear them. It could explain why I always want to lead the conversation.

That particular trait is probablly linked to childhoood memories when people made fun of my poor english and french.

It’s good to know where the problem came from. Now I can try and correct my behavior. It is amazing, how hard it is to do. It’s just an instinct that wants to act right away and the only way to stop it, is to stop everything else and let it pass first. Then think and then do. It makes me feel slow witted.

I understand that I seem like I whine a lot about my work and doesn’t realize how lucky I am to have it. I whine, because parts of me wants something else and it’s been a constant struggle between the two.
Either one of the two choices I make, I’ll have regrets. So I whine. Why is it such a hard choice?

But deep down, I know, the hard unwavering truth. I need this to grow up. I need failure just as I need denial. Life is not a smooth ride.

I mean sheesh, shut up and take it like a man.

I am still in the process of reviewing why I can make lots of friends, but not close ones which I need. It could be because I don’t like to call people up and just talk.

6 Weeks. That’s how long I can keep overworking my body both mentally and physically. Then my efficiency goes down.

I’ve noticed a strange phenomena here in Taiwan. There are adds for mail ordered brides everywhere. Thailand, China, Jamaica etc. Every 3rd world country surrounding us. You can often see signs of “mail ordered bride from “country” for only 800000$NT.” It is indeed love marriage sex and cheap labour all in one single package. Painless and effortless.

Then I started hearing all the stories about how people got ripped off by these brides. So I wondered, why? Isn’t our own woman good enough? Actually, it is because our men aren’t good enough that’s causing this. People, especially women here are very materialistic. Money is first and foremost, in the consideration of marriage and the old tradition of no sex before marriage has be forced upon the society by nagging, naggin and nagging.

Maybe the future generation will be better. Those younger than me are brought up in a more free environment touched by the western society. Sex is rampant and you can finally sue your parents for hitting you. We are, tradition and future, mixed in one.

But the Taiwan I remembered wasn’t like this. There used to be only us. Chinese who decided to live on a deserted island controlled by no one. Then the japanese took over and got chased away by the chinese democrats. There are only chinese here…. when we were poor. Then we got rich, and every people from every surrounding country wants to come here. Sort of like Canada and the US before.

For a while now, I’ve noticed a difference in how I see things, but now I’ve finally understood what changed in me. Friends.

I used to want to hang out with cool people. People I thought has the higher social standing or considered “cool” by others. Even in university, this view still existed for a while, except what defines cool is broader for me.

Now, I just want people who’s willing to sit down with me and talk about anything and do anything. A partner in crime probablly… I am suspecting that I might have missed my chances to make such friends.

I dumped her…my dance partner I mean.
But I left a door open. “Show me with your action that you do want to compete and stop compromising dance time.”

I’ve had doubts about what someone told me about women. So a while ago I started trying all these different attitude on women I am in contact with. Using everything that everyone has ever told me how to behave in front of them or talk to them. I didn’t believe it when someone taught me that there are certain ways to talk to women that make them interested. And there are ways to talk to them to turn them off right away.

The summary of it all is that the less you care about them, the more they want you. Even though some of them choose to tell you otherwise.

How men is naturally programmed to do is to throw everything into it right away. But what women want is to be slowly spoon fed. So they can ponder each spoonful of you and let their mind go wild in the mean time.

So my one bit of incomplete advice for guys… from trial and error, is that if you ever feel like showering her with all your feelings. Stop. Sit down and go fishing.

Women. Correct me if I am wrong.

…

My way: Even if I know I’ll fail miserably. Even if I have no chance of succeeding… If I even remotely feel that I want to experience it, I will do it. Man of action and no thoughts? Perhaps. But I enjoyed it, while you sit there pondering whether or not to try it. I might have failed miserably and got laughed at, but hey it’s fun.

“There must be something wrong with me.” I thought to myself as I sat in front of my computer, home at 6PM on an idle Saturday. No one to call, no one to chat with and no friend to go out with. I wondered how it came down to this, while a month ago I was so happy with so many possibilities… The worst of all was the fact that I didn’t even feel like getting out of the apartment and meet people.

A month ago… What did I do? I started pulling overtimes, started getting more and more responsibilities. Started realizing that the awesome and comfortable lifestyle of university will never get back and that I didn’t take advantage of it when I had the chance. I started dancing with my current partner and I started working out. A month ago, I started a series of change to improve myself and it all came crashing down. I feel the life’s been drained out of me.

There must be something wrong with my personality that I can’t see, but others can. I just don’t fit in anywhere.

My teacher started choreographing open level routines for us. It feels so good, to move my body to its fullest potential. I found the fire that burnt in me when I first started dancing again. It is then that I’ve realize it was slowly diminishing…

But then I looked at my partner and it was like somoene poured ice cold water on the bonefire that was burning. She didn’t look at me, nor is she moving her body at all… I hate it when emotions aren’t returned.

I have never worked through both new year’s eve and Christmas before, but I just did. It’s not the fact that I am not getting my day off that sucks, but the fact that everyone else is partying around me. Everyone, has a happy smile on their face. Couples holding hands, going out, friends beating each other playfully. It makes me stand out of the crowd even more, as I lean, alone, against the pole for support on the train home. Arms crossed, as a protest.

I called my partner yesterday asking why she didn’t show up. She forgot her shoes at her home was the excuse… I didn’t want to say anything even know I can see the lie very clearly. Why would she bring her shoes home in the first place? She only dances when she’s living at school and her dad forbids her dancing. So if he sees the shoes… Sigh… 3 years ago, I treat all women as goddess, now I just feel like ” don’t waste my time” towards them. What a big change.