UltraCrepidate

**Master Yoda initiates the light saber
Master Yoda: ” He Ha Hya ho hua ho.”
**Master Yoda successfully deflected laser rifle attacks
**Master Yoda died from friendly fire.

Yes. That is so right.

Mom called and told my brother and I to get a girlfriend. All I can do is smile sadly. For the 9 Months I've been working here. There were only 2 months where I didn't have to work insane hours. And by that I mean getting off work at 7 PM and having satuday and sunday off. Ahhh… sweet times. I get to do laundry every weekend and groom myself every morning to look sharp.

I kept thinking, I just need to tough it through this, but everytime, I find myself in an even worst condition. Maybe…

A strong person faces difficulties and goes on, a weakling breaks down; I am not strong enough yet.

I've decided to hate my boss today after the long meeting after 8PM on a friday night. What had been said in that room made me question his leadership abilities. I understand that he's in great stress, but he simply doesn't know how to lead people by their heart. Or rather, he only want to lead those he likes by their heart.

I've been working overtimes and coming in during the weekends for a while. Slashing away at the endless amount of frustrating analog verification. When did I moved from digital to analog? I don't know, I just remembered knowing that no one is doing it and started on it by myself and before I knew it, I am doing everything.

The problem with analog is that it is not 1 or 0 anymore. You are dealing with all the values that are in between. Taking into account even the wires that connects two chips together. A bug's solving time will take longer or shorter dependign on how god likes it… it usually is longer. Hence the overtimes.

There are two people on the team he really likes. Any chance he gets, he praises them. On their self motivation to help out and how fast they do things etc. etc. Then he goes on to talk about how we have to be more efficient and how if we are pulling overtime, then it's because our skills aren't good enough and we are not efficient enough. There's this one exchange with his brother when he was speaking to me. His brother said:”No, Peter is good, he's been doing lots.” His brother had detected something in his tone that meant he thinks I am just slacking off. I didn't understand that exchange till later.

I've also temporarilly stopped working out and dancing for this. Now I am wondering, if this is worth it. I do not feel like helping him anymore.

In that room, then, I felt a deep tightness in my chest and a sore in my eyes, like the one before you start crying, but it is different. I don't know what this feeling is.

All the sacrifices I've done for this, for him, basically doesn't exist in his mind. He does not understand how much it means when I sacrificed dancing time. No, he doesn't and he wouldn't try to understand. I took that part pretty well. What hit me though had been the part about overtime.

Not only am I not doing anything in his mind, I am also wasting company's resources. Yeah, great leadership and thanks for ordering me to come to work this weekend and last weekend.

This… affected me, which is why I am not strong enough.

Apres avoir jouer le guitar un peu, je commence a comprendre comment est-ce qu'une guitariste peut expresser different emotion dans sa musique.

J'ete un peu triste aujourd'hui a cause de raisons expliquer plus tard. Mais quand je frole les cordes de Durion, j'entend mon emotion se resonne dans l'air. C'est merveilleux.

A jedi. I feel like.

Deflecting the blows that life throw at me. When self doubt, time, pressure, exhaution and loneliness pushed me to the edge of the fine line I held on to the hope that if I just hold on longer, I will succeed and deflect it with my light saber.

And deflected they are for I have succeeded. I feel more confident after overcoming the numereous obstacles.

I have proved to myself that I am me.

Je suis rendu a un point avec le dancesport ou tous ce que je fais se reflect dans ma dance. La dance est devenu le movement de ma vie. Elle n'est plus seulement l'etude de dance, mais une forme d'expression de tous ce que je fais.

Techniquement, il n'y en a plus d'amelioration que je peux faire avec ma forme et ligne. La seule chose qui peut me differencier de l'un des l'autre, c'est mon style.

Ze phone.
And the pretended:”Oh, there wasn't any message from you, the machine must've ate it.”

It's fine if we are two people of the opposite sex with romantic interest in each other. I am up for playing the game and raise the sexual tension.

But this is from my current dance partner. Took me 3 calls to reach her. Grrrr. I just want to practice and I am getting more and more used to not practicing with her…In the past, I'd dump her like a rock. But now, I just feel indifferent. The next one is going to be like this too and the next. I have not yet seen a girl with as much enthusiasm for dancing and practicing as the ones from Montreal since I got here.

Spending time with people from HP in a pure English speaking environment made me realize just how different a person I am. Being amongst them also made me feel more like a person instead of just a tool to be used.

I've failed at integrating myself into this culture. Instead of continuing my existence as I knew, I simply created a new one; different but still me.

Good did came out of this. The project leaders from HP seems quite interested in me. We spent hours together talking about our interests and fun stuff to do. Of course only when we are not talking about buisness. I guess, it's a relife for them to have another person who can speak proper english and understand their humour. Hell, I can't stand the english that my fellow teammates speaks. It really made them sounds like idiots… but they are not, because I know them as a Taiwanese.

They also asked me if it'd be easy for a Canadian to work in the states, if there'd be a pile of paper work to do. I know the hidden meaning, but I am not going to get my hopes up. “When you dream, you can no longer function in the present”. Though it is funny to see my boss getting worried when HP people handed me their card. It must look like they are trying to buy me over.

Shit. Fuck!

The next month of my life just became hell because of the few words that came out from HP's Eric: “If we don't get 2500 full working chips by september 21, the project is dropped.”

This is the reality of how big companies does buisness. They have the money and power to support such strategies that pushes small companies like us over the edge.

It doesn't matter that they changed half of the specs the month before tape out nor does it matter that their constant request for documents slows us down considerably. You either meet the deadline, or everyone's career dies with the project. The factory needs one month after receiving the database, so that means August 21st is the final final deadline. We assume one month for all the presims and posims if we found the bug in our usb and replaced the pll with someone elses' through an Engineering Change Order(ECO). Time seems short.

I secretly wish that we would fail. Then I'd have an excuse for going back to Canada finally.

I understand why I can't listen to hard metal music now.. Because the harsh notes being played, can not possibly be transformed into movements of the body. The rhythm far exceed the speed at whcih our body can move.

It turns out that the chip we made only had 3 little bugs. Sar ADC's inverted output, pll's weird clock and USB's phi pins not right.

PLL is caused by someone who left our company 2 weeks before taping out. USB's phi is bought from someone and they have to pay us money because of that.

Sar's inverted output is caused by one of our team member's mistake.

So it was pretty good. We'll have to mass produce 3500 of them by August. Fun fun fun.

I name my travel book Daedalus, after the famous labrynth architec from Crete. It's a name that came to me when I looked at the book. I didn't know it had a meaning, it just came. A fitting name for a travel book that record my travels through the confusing labryith of different countries.

Same thing for my new guitar. Durion is its name, after the fruit of durio. Hard on the outside and soft within.

I've decided to learn guitar on my own. I play it not for music, or interest nor to impress girls. I want to learn it to explore the fun of exploring something totally unknown. Which is why I am not taking music lessons. I might be learning it wrong, but it is my way of playing it. My explorations, my guitar and most importantly of all, my mistake.

The first thing I realized is that I have to be able to move my middle finger and ring finger on my left hand apart… while it is in a holding position. I can do it easy like mister Spock from startrek, but when it's in a fist position…

I first started with the aid of my right hand to see what it feels like to seperate them. Then I try to recreate the feeling in my brain. I had never ordered my hand to do that before, so of course it didn't work. So I screwed around with different commands and found the right one.

Next is the muscle training by repeated motion… It hurts and i am still practicing.

Without pain there's no happiness.
In happiness we hope to live.
With hope comes desires.
In desires we feel.

Massage… Ahhh, it's been so long since I practiced it. I've learnt so many new techniques during these time with no one to practice on. Taiwanese girls are so stuck up, here only boyfriend can touch the girfriend in that manner. Granted, I did use that as an excuse to be closer to someone before, but , but, I NEED PRACTICE.

I bought all these massage oil with different scent from Singapore, now I feel guilty because I won't be using them.

2 hours of walking around on the floor of the empty studio, I sat down in frustration. Obstacle upon obstacles I've encountered and this one is the worst of it all involving technique… The dream of the ol' days came creeping up behind me and I almost surrendered to its warm glow of comfort. Yes, I needed comfort that moment.

There's a problem with my basic technique and I've found the root of the cause. A deformity in my leg bones caused by playing soccer prevents me from positioning my foot in the correct position for proper stability. My body compensated it by opening the hip out, which prevents my waist from twisting correctly.

This problem, unlike the ones before, cannot be corrected by muscle training or correction of posture, because it is in the bone structure.

Good news is that I've succeeded a few times to do 1170 degree spins. It feels as if something just clicked and I understand. I feel like Neo, looking at the spoon and on the edge of comprehension.

So the chip came back from fabrication, lo and behold it doesn't work.
Of course. It will never work the first time. The first major problem is in the layout of the pcb board we produced for it. Then the analog pll that have problems running, which is the heart of all the digital part of the chip. Without the pll producing a clock, all digital serial connection is dead. Isn't it wonderful?

Music heals my soul. I understand why I had this momentary longing for my other half, to fill that hole in my soul. It was because of a lack of women whom I'd chase after.

In the past, there'd always be this women I want to impress. The one I stare at in class when I am bored. One whom I work on patiently until they started looking at me with admiration.

Yes, indeed, it is the lack of being admired by women whom I rate wonderful. Here, even if I am admired, I don't give a damn. Maybe I need to lower my bar even more.

http://www.spymac.com/gallery/show_memberpics.php?memberid=229181

Pictures

Wow. Singapore. Wow.

A place hotter than Taiwan where Indians, Malaysians, Taiwanese, Cantonese, English and Indonesians reside.

I didn't know how strict their law was on anything fun, a few years ago, there IS NO FUN… at least no fun in what I would enjoy as fun. It's against the law to sell porn magazines and bungee jumping. Now, do you understand?

The shops open at 11AM and start closing at 8pm. The food there, comes in small servings which equals to half of the amount here in Taiwan and of course, everything is more expensive. Due to this fact, most people who grow up on the island tends to be the size of halflings. So cute.

To sum up Singapore, the symbol that would represent Singapore would be the lion headed fish at one of their ports and they are known for producing tonics and special oils for injuries… and of course the massage oils. It's against the law to chew gums and do not drink the brand of beer call Tiger. OH and it's ok to drop your jaw, when you see Indians walking on Sentosa's beach in dress shirts and pants (Sentosa is their resort island made for tourists). These Indians… are they fucking immune to heat or something? I was sweating from just standing their half naked.

Performing a task that's familliar to oneself can be the most soothing experience ever. Things like doing the laundry and cleaning the room. I feel like my own emotions being rearranged at the same time.

But facing the unknown, I can't help but feel a little bit of fear and hesistance. Yet that is what I face everyday at work. I was never sure that the things I was doing is right and would work and there's a time limit.

Speaking of the unknown. 6 people left alrady in the 21 person team with 3 more leaving within the next month. This all happened within the past 8 months. Yes. It's too stressful yes, we are being treated like shit (Just another tool) and yes we kept on going because of empty promises.

Yay~ I want to get fired first… but I also want to leave with them chasing after me to come back.

I am only 23… The youngest member of the team…(the company actually) and yet I have to live up to the expectations of a 30 yr olds. Emotionally stable, not lost anymore, has a goal in life. Determined, focused and very skilled in interhuman communication.

I have to be mature… But some part of me never went through the proper maturing process. I still feel like a child when facing alot of things.

It is their jobs, to lure you and say it's all right to express your opinions as freely as you want.

What they left out is that they'd get pissed if your opinion is not the same with them.

Sigh… Learn to lie people, it is essential for buisness.

Presentations are a way for the upper level guys to sell the good side of a product. But when we are doing it to sell ourselves… our team. It is plain funny.

For me, it is a fucking waste of time. I got work piled up that needs to be delivered by Monday and for the past 3 days, I’ve been asked to do works for the purpose of showing people how great our company is… when I am worried sick about not completing my assigned duty. It’s like putting makeup on a fucking ugly face the wrong way.

Today is one of those days where I feel extremely lonely. A day where I wonder if anyone will ever understand what my struggles are like. Not the pretended “Oh I know what it must be like, I can imagine” but an actual “HA! Yeah, but it is awesome isn’t it?” by someone who’ve actually walked through the same path.

Dancesport and engineering cannot mix. That is a fact that I have to learn. I wish that both my boss and dance teachers can experience my life. I wish that they could understand the pain I felt when I have to call my partner up to cancel the practice, or leave work early, when everyone else is staying. I wish that the other part of my life exists in their mind. That I sacrificed 4 hours of commuting on bus and subways so I can keep both of the life counts for something. I wished that they’d stop guilt tripping me for not spending more time in either field. I wish… that I can stop breaking promises.

But what’s more, I wished that there’s someone like me to laugh at this with.

Sometimes I write for an audience, sometimes I write to record my achievements to reminiscence in the future, sometimes, to shock, sometimes to make others feel, sometimes I write to sort out my life and sometimes, just sometimes, I write to express my bottled up feelings.

The truth of the whole world is, that if someone has you on their mind, they’d take the initiative to contact you. No excuses.

The one thing that counted the most in a conversation for me, is who initiated it. As years progress, the content has grow less important compared to the intention of the contact.

The rule of communication in “THE RULE” back in the teenager days probablly says 2 or 1 phone call = 1 phone call back. I have grown beyond the rule, but why is it still true?

Because you feel like a sick puppy begging for someone’s attention if you keep on calling and calling and calling. You’d wonder, how come you are the one who’s always calling.

My work is getting more and more hectic. June will probablly be the biggest uncertainty in my career on what will happen next. More expectations, responsibilities, leaving of our leader, seperating of the team, changing of location, money problems, friends, honour and my promises to others that I have to break. All balanced on a tip called me.

But sitting here with my warm coffee in hand, watching the steam ondulate to the airflow’s carress, I feel oddly at home with the situatoin. I feel like a veteran who’ve thrown away his worries of death and left behind the dreams of the future in exchange for peace of heart in the present.

Screeching and screaming followed by a loud thump. I looked behind to find a couple lying on the ground with their scooters flat on the road.

A moment ago, I was having a conversation with myself about how the Taiwanese culture is all about selfishness. A place where everyone rushes to be first and rules are forgotten. No one helps others.

Take the supermarket line for example. If you let a space big enough to fit one person appear between the person in front of you and you, the person behind will try to squeez in, if you don’t guard it well.

And then that happened and I walked away from them. In that instant, I debated a million reasons to help them, but I didn’t. I had set my goals to help others but I didn’t that night. My excuse? First, I don’t know how, I don’t have a cell phone, nor do I know where the hospitals are or any of the support network in this country. Second, it’s too much trouble, it’s 12 AM and I have to work tomorrow. Third, they are not crying for help, meaning it’s only a light injury.

Fuck my excuses and my inexperience at helping others.

In chin yuong’s kung fu book series, there was this one monk, who’ve mastered all the fighting techniques of the shao ling temple and the chi is strong within him.

In a fight, he lost all his kung fu and chi to another, but instead of being angry and filled with killing rage, he thanked the young man for saving his spirit.

Because he is so good at kung fu, he couldn’t let go and bring himself to escape the conflicts. Because he has so much, he kept on chasing for more, even if it means damanging his body, corrupting his soul and joining the ways of the dark side.

When he lost it all. It is already done. He can finally start over. He is reborn.

Gogethers like me has one important lesson to learn in life. And that is to let go. Because we are so used to chasing after the top, we do not know failure and letting go.

Just a way to make you feel better as you start out doing something new.

Potential says that you have the possibility to do it good, once, under supervision. That you understand what needs to be done in order to perform the action perfectly.

Sadly, being able to is not equal to potential and I think, we put too much emphasis on potential and not enough on what people can already do. It’s that little annoying “hope” in the back of your head acting up. The little sucker has strong forces with it.

Real life, requires you to perform an action, under no supervision, perfect each time, under great stress, combined with other actions to perform, under great emotional turmoil and most importantly of all without complaint.

See the difference now?