Archive for July, 2004

What this experiment is about

Friday, July 30th, 2004

The end result is to become a more authentic me. To be me and understand it. Instead of just being me and not understand it.

Techniques, props. They are a means to make you see that it does work, but at the same time make you feel empty because it is not you. But as you practice, you realize slowly how to be you and still succeed.

So… I am going to go out this weekend, try to get phone numbers and can only stop when I get rejected by 10 woman….

Ugh… need courage.

La realite de linux contre windows

Friday, July 30th, 2004

On peut representer linux avec la realite. Et windows comme une sorte de fantasie utopique ou les citoyen ignore tout ce qui contradit leur conscience.

Avec linux, quand quelque chose ne marche pas, tu dois premierement savoir la cause. Et pour reussir ceci l'experience est requis.

Savoir la cause ne resolve pas le probleme. On doit savoir comment et executer des commande qui sont lier aux programme important. Des fois on reaussit, mais la plus part du temps, on reussir seulement a foqer tous. C'est la meme facon qu'on utilise pour eduquer les jeune enfants.

Avec windows? Reinstaller, redemarrer et voila. Si on veut un exemple dans la vie pour comprendre. On a un fils et il devient un grand alcoholic. Le gouvernement le tue simplement et te donne un autre bebe.

Tous les jours, on tue des animaux. Et tous les jour on echappe notre conscience pace que l'acte de tuer n'est pas faite par nous meme.

Avez vous tuez un animal dans le passe avec votre propre main? Pouvez-vous sentir la souffrance?

Sabotage

Thursday, July 29th, 2004

I would mentally sabotage my chances at understanding something of the mind. For example while playing soccer, I would chase the ball aimelessly without looking at the big picutre. Same for basketball. Without thinking at preserving energy or being in the right position. When it comes to sport, I don't like to use my brain.

I am going to reframe my mind. Then find out why I purposely do that. I have a fear of beating another person at something.

La vie

Thursday, July 29th, 2004

La vie n'est pas juste. Ca-la, c'est parfait pour moi, ca veut dire que je peux travail sur moi meme et ameliorer mes fautes de personalite.

Si on vie dans un monde ou tous sont juste, on n'a pas d'option que d'accepter notre situation dans la vie. Si c'est juste, on doit accepter que tu ne peux jamais devenir riche, ni de coucher avec une modele. On doit donc accepter la realite comme il est sans aucune objection. On perdra la pouvoir de s'immerse dans une reve et lui cour apres.

war

Thursday, July 29th, 2004

Tonight, I am going to lay down in my bed and make war with my inner demons.
And there's a new goal in my life. I am going to seek out like minded person to challenge my own mind with and surround myself with such people… I realize that I cannot find such a person in this culture. For never, did I encounter anyone that has something that I want to be. Well I did, but they don't live in Taiwan.

This place has nothing that I want. Nothing that I want to reach for except money and I've gotten over that a long time ago.

Then why am I staying? Good question. There's a gut feeling that I need to stay. It's a training of something about me… but what? So elusive, so hidden.

Well, sub-conscious, you ready for the hell ride? Let's go to bed.

舞

Thursday, July 29th, 2004

舞技越來越強,在教室裡也�剩那三人能跟我比了。
所以隨著地�的�長,責任也變多。
學第們的�題也越來越多。但是�個人的領悟力���,教的方�也須��人而異。
有的時候,�到天分特差的還真的覺得是瘧待。

Maitrise

Wednesday, July 28th, 2004

Des neufies dans n'importe quelle discipline demandent a apprendre des tours qui sert a impressioner. Tu verras, avec temps, des gens qui vont entrer dans ta vie et te demande de leur dire tes secret. Mais ils n'ont pas de patience ni de temps a investir dans des fondation qu'il faut pour devenir maitrise dans ce qu'ils font.

Moi meme je suis coupable de ca, mais les desire pour impressioner des gens s'est changer en desir pour maitriser dans ce que je fais. La seule variable qui reste est du temps. J'en ai pas assez.

Note a Benir: Linux est sexxxxy

virus of the mind

Wednesday, July 28th, 2004

“As the most addictive of all drugs, our emotions became our worst enemy when it comes to the overall picture of one's life. We are so stuck on an emotional state that we'd sabotage our own life in order to complete that thought in order to proceed to the next thought.” ~From the book Mind virus

My addiction is struggling and I agree, that I often sabotage my life in order to feel the struggle.

Memories…

Tuesday, July 27th, 2004

I remember back in university. Third year the first time I woke up early around 7am and took the bus to go downtown in order to take care of some paperwork.

The bus ride was awkward, with all these buisness people wearing suits in the winter. I was in my trench coat, and my favorite white heavy scarf around my neck. Short spiky hair and my black rimmed glasses.

A hot buisness woman in her early twenties approached me and asked where I get my glasses. In my mind back then, it screamed “I can't believe it, no this is not a pick up. No way she's interested in me.” And stupid me just answered.

Today, I'd just smile my half knowing smile and say :”You know what, there's an interesting story behind this, but since I have to get off soon, why don't you give me your phone number and we'll continue this chat at our leisure.” God damn my inexperience back then.

This serves as a becaon to remind myself to be open and ready all the time.

Heroes

Monday, July 26th, 2004

Heroes; a heroic story seen from veils of different colors. As the narrator in the present debates back and fourth the real events of the story. White for the heroic sacrifice, red for the lustful romance, green for equilibrium and blue for emotionless logic.

Yet it is only till the end, you discover that the two narrators at present is sitting in the black story. As the end result of all colors combined. You only realize it in the end, because it felt so natural to have black in the setting and you can only notice it after all the other colors were presented. Only then does your mind start to wonder, where is black.

The black story, is the hard decision for the assassin to go against the tyrant and let him conquer the rest of the country, killing half of the population in order to bring world peace for the next hundreds and hundres of years under one unified flag. He betrayed his teaching, honour and loyalty.

81483

Sunday, July 25th, 2004

有點白癡
生病 還跑去跳舞
�在 病得更嚴�

81395

Sunday, July 25th, 2004

I no longer keep track of who's been telling me their problems nor do I try to see who's friend enough to listen to mine. It doesn't matter much. I bust their ball and have my fun either way with them. It alleviate the pain of trying to keep track of things and I don't need to play the mind game of who cares more about who.

Life is slowly becoming fun and I am glad to have the time to work on this aspect of my life right now instead of pulling overtime for the IC's mass production.

I realize… that, at the dance studio… I am the one who knows everyone.
Hmmm, let me try this at work.

Shit

Friday, July 23rd, 2004

This looks like something i would've confessed to 4 years ago.
I still do massages though… only to the special ones now.

http://grouphug.us/confessions/848774391

80671

Friday, July 23rd, 2004

No, I will not succumb to minor setbacks. I will continue to be funny and cocky no matter what. It is my personal project to improve the self, not a project to get women. So I cannot care less if I accidently passed the line of cockiness and insulted some random woman.

It's great that I ralized this and there goes the wussieness out of the window.

A deep reflection

Friday, July 23rd, 2004

So what's with my recent behavior towards women and this big emotional swings on my mood?

Long story short. After my parting with certain dear person in my life last year. I've decided to make a point to understand just exactly what women wanted.

So I did alot of reading on all those realtionship experts's books and pick up artist's books. Sometimes it goes great, but sometimes it doesn't.

I feel like an idiot when it doesn't. I mean, I can just be me instead of trying to be someone else and I wanted to be accepted as just me.

Yet what they say have certain truth in them. I am often torn between alot of ideas.
This is my problem and I think people who read this will be bored to death by it. Oh yeah another wussie talk. But this secret journal is the only place where I get this out. This is the only place, where I can relax from the constraints of the world and just say things for what it is. Don't need to worry about boring people, don't need to worry about being all feely washy and don't need to worry about… well maybe worry about being judged.

I… think too much. I should get back into moving too much again. But man… this flu. It's keeping me tied up infront of my computer.

Grand realization

Friday, July 23rd, 2004

So…. When I get too high. I forgot the fact that when you push the cocky but forget the funny, it became arrogance.

Then they get pissed.

Le pratique

Thursday, July 22nd, 2004

Oui, il faut oublier ta proper presence. Ignorer que ton coeur peut etre blesser et laisse tout aller. Quand tu a reaussir a laissez aller…

Non! Ne me dit pas des mensonges. La principe du seduction se trouve dans la pratique et toi. To dois te demande tourjours comment est-ce que tu peux avoir du fun et oublie qu'elle est une femme. Le traite comme ton petite soeur et dit-elle des conneries pour avoir du fun. Et avoir du fun.

Bad pickup

Thursday, July 22nd, 2004

Just witnessed a excruciatingly painful pickup at the gym today executed by a girl.

Before today, I always thought of her as this beautiful girl with an aloof and stock up air around her. Hard to approach really. Then today, I witnessed her trying to ask out the gym instructor who is already married.

I feel so bad for her, when she stumbles through her words repeatedly with a stupid laugh on her face because her mind is frozen in one thought and she kept on repeating the same phrase… My opinion on her changed 180 degree completely. The coach didn't look at her and just keep on trying to brush her away, so in the end when I can't stand it anymore, I walked up and asked the coach to show me how to use a certain equipment for me. To save them both from the misery.

Aside from that. I've been practicing how to have fun with people and just joke around using yahoo chat. I get women messaging me seductively today saying “come here… come here? Oh come here!!!” Then there are quite a few comments about me being cute. The younger generations I mean. The ones in the 30s and above can't stand the way I was. Joking and busting them on whatever they say.

I guess, when you are past a certain age you are no longer in the mood to be playful. Hmmm, it'd be interesting to know what then do those women respond to. But it has been a great experiencing, handling rejection from them and not caring. I am chatting to have fun afterall.

Too tired to write up in french and mandarin. Will do it next time.

79609

Tuesday, July 20th, 2004

Alot of the personality is built by the self dialog within our self conscious and unconscious mind. Making an effort to change the way that dialog is progressing will change your personality.

10 minutes in the life of a girl

Tuesday, July 20th, 2004

So… because of my user name pea_soupe sounds too girly on yahoo messenger. I get to experience what being a girl feels like.

Lots of guys messenging you, you can't even brush them aside. I tried being mean, rude and outright straight flat out saying don't talk to me…
They just keep on coming back. They suck on to rejection like leeches to blood. Farking ass.

Shit, I can see that it'd be such an ego boost to have so much attention. No wonder we are so fucked up today.

Now, compared to being a guy, where you have to learn how to use challenge, be funny, confident etc. etc. There's not much work that needs to be done to attract guys.

Shit

Monday, July 19th, 2004

Score one for obsession

78686

Monday, July 19th, 2004

GOD I hate male pms and I hate fighting with my obsession. I am barely holding on not to touch it.

7 years in tibet

Monday, July 19th, 2004

For a short instant near the end of the movie. I felt it, a sense of calm resolve where nothing hurts and nothing matters. I felt the touch of that state of mind in which the deepest emotional scars is eased away by life's experiences.

Then it was gone and I am back to reality, the city and its complex interpersonal relationships.

Busy

Sunday, July 18th, 2004

Since work slowed down, I've been getting tons of time to get myself active again and boy, does it feel good to move… Not to mention flirting with women in all the different fields. It makes up for the lack of women in engineering. Man I 'd enjoy so much someone who can challenge in my line of work… Maybe I should switch to buisness, then that dream will turn into a fact.

Here's my attempted schedule for now.

Monday
6pm to 7pm Japanese class
8pm to 9pm workout.
9:30pm to 10:30pm play guitar.
Tuesday
8pm to 10pm, practice dancing
Wednesday
6pm to 9pm, basketball/badminton
9pm to 10pm study japanese
Thursday
6pm to 7pm Japanes class
8pm to 9pm workout
9:30pm to 10pm play guitar
Friday
8pm to 10pm dance class
11pm to 12pm play guitar if I have the energy
Saturday
12pm to 6pm dance class
8pm to 9pm workout
Sunday
1pm to 3pm swim
rest, free time

後果

Saturday, July 17th, 2004

有好長一段時間了
我心裡一直�爭扎
我該�該跟人交往
如果離別是必然的
為何去躺那沱混水

今天我�出第一步
�管後果了

Veteran

Thursday, July 15th, 2004

Assieds au-pres de lui je sens un sorte de calme inexplicable qui ralentir le movement du temps autour de nous.
“C'est quoi ton histoire” Demandes-je.
“Mon histoire jeune homme? Regret est plus proche comme description.”

C'est comme ca, qu'on a depenser notre apres-midi. Un vieillard qui raconte son histoire au poli jeune homme devant une boutique traditionnelle qui vend du riz. C'est un place ou le temps est frizee sur place et tout echappe l'erosion du temps.

Son histoire commence a l'age de vinght ans. Il est engage avec l'amour de sa vie pendant la grand revolution. Avant qu'il peut se marier avec elle, l'armee est venu le chercher pour le joindre. Les japonais sont en train d'attaquer Chine.

Qu'est-ce qui suivi c'est huit ans de vie comme sauvage en conduisant des attaques guerille contre l'armee japonais.
“J'ai vecu dans tous les provinces de chine” Dit-t-il fierement. C'est tout ce qu'il a faire de constructive dans ces huit ans de sa vie.

Quant-il revienne a sa place natale, personne est plus la. Ni sa blonde ni ses parents.

“Dans notre temps, tous sont plus difficille et quand on veut quelque chose, nous devons en endurer. Vous, vous etes chanceux, si vous voulez etudier dans un pays entranger, vous avez besoin de l'argent et de la courage. Des gens d'aujourd'hui, n'en a plus de courage car l'argent est trop facile a obetenir, alors vous ne tresor pas la chance.”

Resolve

Monday, July 12th, 2004

“Being a dancer you have to constantly ask yourself, what are you trying to show to the audience.
The audience is not here to see dance moves, they are here to see you, the dancer. Now, tell me, how would you represent your whole life, your whole being with a dance?”
-Dancing China

I understand a bit now, why I kept on going. Why my fire hasn't died yet. For one, I don't feel that my body is moving at its peak level. There's always a feeling that says I can still do more, that my body can surpass its current state.. and it has time and time again.

Then, there's the need, to show others what my dance is. I have not yet done it, because I've never had the chance to move freely on the dance floor before. With my moments restricted by rules of dancing before I reach the top level: Open.

This has strengthened my desire to keep on going. I don't care what others think, but I need to feel that yes, this is the show of my top performance, I have no more regrets after this.

香

Sunday, July 11th, 2004

今天 我��心用了她的洗髮精 算是把她忘掉的逞罰
熟悉的味� 一陣陣的勾起了快樂的回憶
隨伴兒來的 是�想想起的心酸

帶著起浮�定的心 我繼續堅強的生活下去 �希望 �一天 我能夠�自己說:
“啊 好久沒想到她了”

用中文寫作 �是�一種感覺 覺得很有詩� �有一股與世無爭的氣�
比如說 �複兩個字 淡淡的 輕輕的 在其他語言裡 無法呈�一樣的�境
好�一波一波的撫摸 讓你的感官必須努力的去尋找 那似有似無的訊�

Ou je serai dans un an

Sunday, July 11th, 2004

J'ai fais quelque calculs et trouve que je ne peut pas survivre 6 mois d'university pour obtenir la maitrise du administration buisness avec l'argent que j'ai maintenant.

Dans un ans j'aurai approximativement $ 150000 NT en somme. Ca veut dire un malade cinq mille piece en tout. Meme pas assez pour les frais de scolarity. Qu'est-ce que je dois faire? Reste ici pour un autre annee? Ou retourne sans plan ni argent et survi seulement dans le moment?

Aujourd'hui, j'ai seduis une fille dans le gym. Pour elle, notre contrle semble naturelle et notre personalite se clique tout de suit. Mais, de mon vieu ce n'est qu'un conversation controller.

Sans avoir apercu, il y en a plus de plus belle filles qui repond a mes signaux sous-conscience. Des filles que je catoriserai dans la section des belles. Mais, il n'y a aucun desire sexuelle envers elles; ces filles qui courent apres moi.

Oui, elles manquent de la maturitee. La sensation d'une femme. Parlons des femmes, il y a une belle a la place ou je travail qui fait chanter mon coeur. Elle resemble a Trina, avec ses cheveux longues et ondule, le peau qui brille d'un bronze qui chante de la sante.

Eh! Les crushes la, ca va faire.

Their story…

Saturday, July 10th, 2004

Sitting along side the pool of murky water, fishing rod in hand, you feel contentment towards life while focused on the calm waters. Besides you sat two beautiful women chatting away in a matter of fact tone about life, choices and the acceptance of what is.

Either you join the conversation from time to time, or a certain intensity in their voice caught your attention, pieces of the story slowly drifted into your mind.

“If you think you'll not have any regret at all, none whatsoever”
“Only then can you leave him”
“He's got potential, more than you”
“If he pairs up with another girl, they'll surpass you soon”
“Because the limiting factor is him, whereas you…”
“You'll be limited by your new partner”
“And I can see, no matter what, he'll be on the top one day”
“Even if you pair up with a top dancer…”

I felt the faint movement of the rod, indicating a shrimp biting the bait. For a moment, I flirted with the shrimp, playing, luring it in, making it think that the bait is actually alive and running. Playing with its instinct to chase… to chase whatever it cannot get.

With a flip of the hand, I drove the hook deep into its flesh… the fishing rod felt heavy and I heard the girls scream in delight.

“Yeah, but after that incident, he's attitude changed compeltely”
“He's not nice towards me anymore”
“Of course he's cold towards you”
“Guys don't like to be limited or nagged”
“When you two first started there's that chemistry”
“But nagging… guys can't take it. It's their nature. Right Pete?”

You nodded

You said that it make your whole body heats up, and it takes the man of men to not react especially towards a non love interest.
“I mean, fuck, would you stand all the nagging from someone you don't even like normally?
“See? It's the same for me. How did you think my previous partner treated me?”
“Him too, he treated me like a queen when we first started together.”

Your gaze drift to him… You don't know how to describe it, but you feel a total sense of respect. He's not rich, nor is he the top dancer of the world. However, his composure and the non charlant air about him with a smirk and a half jokingly way of speaking that sounds serious. His almost chidish character which you can see at first sight caused by the hardship he endured during his life.

“Ok, say for instance now you take one of your student as your partner instead”
“You wouldn't like how he'd follow your every command would you?”
“You want someone with character, his own mind”
“That is what dancing is all about.”
“I used to nag him all the time as well”
“But I've grown… especially after one incident”
“He just, took off”
“He dissappeared for a whole month, no contact with anyone he knew”
“He abandoned dancing completly”
“Finally, after a month, he appeared back home”
“And it took all our teachers and parent's persuation to make him come back into dancing again”
“Since then, I've learnt and grown.”
“You have to learn and grow too.”
“The time is better used for practicing instead of arguing”

At this moment, you wonder about just how close your two teachers are. They live together, have sex together, spend their days together and they even cook for each other… but they are not lovers. Perhaps once, they were, but that is caused by the proximity of the bodies. You understand that very well youself. Pretending to love each other while on the dance floor, will often carry on off the floor. Humans cannot tell, truth from pretense, because we can feel it either way.

They are togehter, becaues everything they do, will affect the other person. Cursed by god to be together, yet shares no love for each other. This is their partnership.

76329

Friday, July 9th, 2004

試一試用中文打字練習 我連怎麼打�號都�會
回到��以後 模模糊糊的找到了這份工作 �了一年�發� 這份差事是大家拼死拼活想�擠到的
在資產業裡 崇高至上 最�也最臭�的莫�於asic designer 因為�當一個好工程師 你必須全部都會 從�論到電路 �把它轉為cmos然後寫�rtl
還�會寫script來自動化幾百�個連線
有時連tools都�能信�還�幫別人改程�
chip回來�lay pcb� 焊接寫firmware

好多��完的事

花了�個�時 �~

76200

Thursday, July 8th, 2004

Pour garder tous les languages j'appris, je vais changer la language dans laquelle j'ecris au tours a l'autre. Ca veut dire que je dois apprends a ecris en chinois, puis ameliorer mes expressions en francais et afin explorer des different styles d'ecriture en anglais.

Je ne sais pourquoi, mais j'ai eu des petit explosion de desire a apprend des different languages. Principalement le japonais et l'allemagne. L'allemagne viennois en particulier. Appres ecouter Daniella parler avec un accent que je considere enchanter, je ne plus resister cette belle langue.

L'autre c'est du japonais. Seulement a cause que c'est la seule language que je puisse trouver des class a joigner.

Pouvez-vous le sentir? La relation entre les languages et la culture? C'est merveilleux.

75825

Thursday, July 8th, 2004

22 dead, 46 missing from the typhoon's aftermath. Whole villages are washed away by the angry water.

The disaster is quite huge. Enough for international attenion, but will other country know about it? No, cause taiwanese deal with these kind of shit every year.

The news showed some footage of people having to eat dinner by candle light from having no electricity and water for 5 days. It reminded me of the ice storm of 97 in Montreal where everyone is stranded for 7 days in sub 40 temeprature, without water, nor electricity.

I remember curling up in front of the fire place, my body dirty from having had no shower for days. Greasy yet dry. Not to mention the constant cold and the frost bite on my toe. But I remember the dinner beside the candle light as well… It was warm.

Which is what the familly on the footage must feel like. I love disasters.

75605

Wednesday, July 7th, 2004

So, I finally found out why I have zits. These annoying blemishes that plague my face.

I've tried varying my habits for months at a time. Carefully eliminating one by one the things that I do.

I started off with the food I eat with drastic diet changes to different groups. I tried varying the amount of food intake, eating habits, times etc.

I also tried alot of facial cleansing product… you know how they go.

I tried stopping coffee and tea.

I tried varying every fucking variable.

The last two months, I stopped participating in any kind of sports. I've had a history of excessive sweating problem ever since I passed the teen stage and that is the conclusion of my research. Excessive sweating, especially at the facial area caused the blemishes to appear. If you look up acne probable causes, excessive sweating is one of them…

Damn, my face was smooth for a whole month and I thought I am finally growing out of my acne problems.

SO… a beautiful smooth face? Or dancing? Why are my choices always this fucking hard.

75366

Tuesday, July 6th, 2004

I've started a little life project for myself after experiencing a period of loneliness.

Starting from my childhood, I was never good at taking care of anything alive. They just die. Puppies, rabbits, trees, plants and even the most rugged veteran of survival would die in my care.

Few examples: cactus, desert rose etc.

I don't know why, I water them per instruction and give them sun. Either some accident happen or they just die of mysterious cause.

I bought another plant again that'll accompany me while I work. It survived for a week. Better than the desert rose I had which only lasted for 3 days.

75121

Sunday, July 4th, 2004

I was recently dumped by my new found partner. It wasn't an important partnership at all, nor is she a good dancer so I wasn't sad.

What pisses me off actually is how she dragged it on and doesn't have the courage to tell me. I found out when I went to the studio and saw her dancing with someone else. Heh.

It is a weird culture here because it is acceptable for her to do that. For a guy, it's bad reputation. I remember when I ended my previous partnerships in Taiwan, people looked at me as if I am a bad person. But I saw what's coming, I saw that we didn't have any connection and that her heart isn't into competing. So I took action and I am wrong for taking that action.

Why? Because I took action instead of letting peer pressure and women's manipulation take hold of me. This time, I just let them do whatever they want, I don't care anymore and just kept on practicing.

I've made some breakthrough with my dancing recently. It's like a new discovery that changed the way I dance. I am opened to a whole new level of improvements. Discouraging sometimes to know there's so much to practice, but at least, I can see what I need to improve now.

74918

Saturday, July 3rd, 2004

“Silly rabbit, treats are for kids” ~Oren-iichi -Kill Bill

Cancelled my visit to Canada.Lots of different factor combined together and a little bit more of realistic reasoning and responsible action on my part. It is the mature thing to do… but fuck maturity.