UltraCrepidate

I asked myself if I even care about our gold medalists in the olympics who had to receive the medal without a national anthem nor a flag.

I don't. I just enjoy being be part of the group and complain. It pisses me off that China is acting like a spoilt brat, it pisses me off that sportsmanship is slowly eroding away. But all it did is making me more pissed off about the world. Fact of the matter is, China is spoilt brat, sportsmanship is eroding away and I'll just have to cope with it.

I did not feel any emotion because I have national bride, I felt the emotion because China is being an idiot.

I actually enjoyed a nice long talk with my dad on numereous topics. The exchange feels different and reminded me of my age constantly. I can now understand what my dad talks about and that is categorizing myself in that “adult” world.

But he's become cooler too. Less controlling and more willing to find out about our world of the young ones. I think we both changed.

On a side note. When Taiwan won gold medals in the Olympics, there were no flags raised for us and no national anthems. Our competitors had to suffer the humiliation and swallow their own tears of rage. China, with a few words of “Humiliate them or else” managed to destroy the meaning of an international game, that is supposed to know no politics, war and petty squabbles. The spirits of sportsmanship has been destroyed.

I remember a chat with a chinese woman and I asked her if it's ok to talk since we are supposed to be ennemies. She said:”Sure, as long as it's not any of that crap from president Chen”

It made me wonder, what kind of propaganda is the chinese government giving their population this time. President Chen got elected, it means his words represent the majority of what the taiwanese wanted.

Politics… It reminded me of why I didn't want to go into it.

There's so much hatred in this world and I am going to just ignore it. To become this happy ignorant person about all the blues.

I realized that it is when I am at my peak that I should watch my actions. When I am high in the air with praises and attention, I must watch myself so that I don't go out of line.

But that I already know and only now did I make a conscious effort to correct it. To keep myself in track.

On a side note. Going to the club MOS (Ministry of sound) is really great. I danced, showed off my dance skills (Although only 10% of what I know can be applied to club dancing) and practiced the silent pickup with women. The music is too loud and only eyes and bodies can be used. It was great when someone plays with you. Then… I'd always turn away because I'd get hit with this nagging feeling telling me that I am leaving in 2 weeks for Montreal.

I shaved myself today because I want to find out just exactly pain one must go through to get it done.

I have forests on my legs and took me about half an hour to finish starting from trimming. But I think once it's short, it is easy to just give it a quick shave every morning or every week. Being able to touch your legs and say “oooohhhh smooooth” far outweight the annoying fact that you have to shave periodically.

I took some time to appreciate what i've achieved with my body today. Looking at the lean muscular body in the mirror. I saw that i've built a good dancer's body. Clearly visible 6 pack muscles, a chest with visible bi/tricepts.

But I felt so guilty for leaving my job.

I saw something interesting today. “Air stockings”　comes in a spray bottle with which you spray nylon onto your legs.

So let me ask you guys a question… do they sell those in Montreal? Cause if you do, I don't have to stock up on them and ship them back.

It is true that one must not class people in life, there is no one who is better. But it sure is awesome talking to intelligent people.

The first statement stems from our cowardness. The second from my own preference. People that I consider dumb, have, in their own right, their own smart ways in different areas of life. This is the settlement I've reached with myself. Otherwise I'd end up hating the world.

“What if, there isn't so much things you'd want to do? Would you stay focused to engineering?”

“About communication with people, what do you hoope to achieve with human contacts? What goal do you have?”

Questions I have not thought about and questions that opens up another can of worms. If there isn't so much thing I want to do, I'd stay focused in engineering for sure. I have reached the way I am today due to the numereous other activities that I actively sought out to do. Part of my charm are because of them, removing them, the reaching of them, the internal struggle of them and I would not be me.

What do I hope to achieve with honing in my skill for interhuman communications? What do I hope to achieve by building a large network of people and contacts. After slashing my ways through the jungle of my mind. money, love, admiration, power, it came down to one simple fact. Helping people. Helping myself.

It is great feeling lost again and without fear this time.

As I start off the road to detaching myself from other's teachings, I begin to see that the teachings of others sometimes sounds very pursuasive and true… for people like them, however can never be applied to me.

The more surprising fact I discovered is that those who teaches are often so blinded by thier way that they do not seek other ways that are equally truth.

A mental block which we put on ourself. Which explains why certain people whoare very successful in something ends up being a poor teachers in that same thing. They fail to see how another way that is equally true.

Slower, he walked along in his thoughts and asked himself: “But what
is this, what you have sought to learn from teachings and from teachers,
and what they, who have taught you much, were still unable to teach
you?” And he found: “It was the self, the purpose and essence of which
I sought to learn. It was the self, I wanted to free myself from, which
I sought to overcome. But I was not able to overcome it, could only
deceive it, could only flee from it, only hide from it. Truly, no
thing in this world has kept my thoughts thus busy, as this my very own
self, this mystery of me being alive, of me being one and being
separated and isolated from all others, of me being Siddhartha! And
there is no thing in this world I know less about than about me, about
Siddhartha!”

~Siddhartha

I felt this.

SO… I tried something I was taught by one of the great womanizer I knew today: Palmistry. I didn't believed what he said at first. The description he gave me seems just too unreal, but I did it anyway to prove him wrong…. I was wrong.

It was at a barbecue beside the river and all the dance studio was out having fun. I started reading the palm of one of my friend then lo and behold, the women lined up beside me, waiting for their turn to get read. One even squeezed her boobs together and showed me her cleavage while watching me read another's. I was glad I had my sun glasses.

The girl was a BUTHERFACE, but hey, I am not a saint. Anyway, her boyfriend got jealous and started trying to get a scoop too. I stopped then cause I was in no mood to create ugly atmosphere.

But shit. He said they'd line up to get your attention and they did.

I hate it when people beg me to stay.

I also secretly wish that I have a car accident and I can never dance again. Cause then, I can hate god and give up at the same time. Escape all responsibilities.

Part of my problem in life, is the ability to learn certain new thing very fast ad having the patience and determination to try and try after failure. Learning from my failure each time until I get it.
Because of this, I grow and grow till one day, I see the world in a completely new way due to the recent growth. I then make a drastic decision.

This behavior makes people think I am a drifter who can’t make up his mind what he wants to do… but in reality, I changed, because I know my way before isn’t what I want.

I guess, spending half of my life not able to express my feeling because of my language barrier gave me some advantage in other areas.

Shit, no fresh cloth… I hate myself for having no time to do laundry

Music, and dance. I've found the rhythm of linkin park and system of a down and my body can dance to it's beats.

It's as if I need to mentally grow past that, to mentally evolve to the next level in order to understand their music. Then dance… dance and dance and merge my life into dancing.

I can now express sadness, loneliness, rough life, toughing it out, hardship, confrontation and the feeling of nirvana in my dance, when before, it was only happiness, determination, fun and romance.

I feel as though, my life is seeping out from my dance, through the expression of all 10 dances.

I am clear on why I go back to Montreal now. Because I want to give it a final go at dancesport. Give it my last ditch effort to reach the top. I feel… I feel that my body is primed for it. Ready to leap like a leopard before a kill.

I don't like how my feet stink after the trip

I traveled around the middle part of Taiwan, going around eating and seeing the native tribes.

I found the Taiwan I remembered when I was still small. When people hasn't been overtaken by greed and rushing from place to place isn't the motto.

Meh. I am fine.

9 years of friendship. It is so calm and stable. I love being able to talk and not care and just say anything. I don't have to be deep, nor do I have to keep the conversation going. SIlence is silence.

And it is so different, when he experienced what I experienced. There's no need to defend my own position, or attack his point of view.

THere's peace.

And in 3 days, we'll part our way and probablly never see each other again for another 5 years.

After the dusts are settled. I am left alone with the feelings of guilt and self doubt. I feel as if I've betrayed everyone here.

They took me in and accepted me… now I am leaving them. Will I ever find the same acceptance in Montreal? God I feel like a brat, staying only for 1 year and leaving. I feel selfish and unstable and that I'd hurt everyone that I'am close to.

I thought I was strong enough… but I am not…
Can someone give me therapy?

No, I will not care about what others think.

So… I told the important people and I am going to leave for Canada in 1 or 2 months I guess.

Bumped into a goth online… so she says. I immediately challenge her about her belief in goth having gained some small insights from my livejournal friends on the mindset of a goth.

I did that, because she told me “I am a goth and I look like goth.” To divert my penetrating questions, she started accusing me of being a “preppy” and start saying that preppies should die and she hates preppies.

I said, “poor you and your hatred. Poor you hating people because being goth make you hate.” Then I asked her, why are you talking to me if you think I am preppy? The whole time I am telling her to go away and she just keeps on coming back for more abuse.

So… my brother asked me this question which triggered a chain reaction on my thought process:”So, when are you leaving in October?”

It was a comment made on what I had said a year ago. It never occured to me that I have no more reason to stay in Taiwan. Looking back in the past month, I see myself slowly getting comfortable at the thought of sticking with the current situation and continue on with our start up company.

I had come to this country to be an engineer doing designs in Integrated Chips. Now, that goal is no longer important in my life. The more I thought about it, the more I ask myself “why not?” The only answer is fear.

I have grown alot… and the growth I can only experience in the next two year here is patience. The ability to keep at a project until it is finished. To settle down my heart and be content with whatever it is, whoever I work for and whoever I dance for. But to settle down like that, I need a place I want to stay at first.

Another urgent matter that caused this decision is the new partner that my two teachers want to pair me up with for the next two years. I like her, she can be at the top one day and she makes me want to sleep with her. But I also know that if I stay, it'll be for the dancing… and I can get a better environment for that if I move back to montreal. No, that is not reason enough for me to stay and I will not destroy her life.

My father's reaction surprised me though as he actually supports my decision instead of trying to make me stay like I thought he would. I thought I had to wrestle with him logically again but no.

Why do I not want to move? Cause I can't bring myself to betray what I had said before to people “Yes, I am here to settle down.” I was afraid of truths, but now I know that truth is the only way to end all the headache.

2nd day with this thought, the day of doubts for a major decision.

3rd day is the day of actions.

I hate flirting with someone who doesn't have a good understanding of english cause they sometimes don't get the deeper meanings of what I said and they don't come back with something even funnier. There's no challenge nor fun.

So, the 16 of us are going to create our own company. Yeah, that'd be fun. August 14 man.

Life is going to suck very soon. The new shareholders of our would be company seems like the kind of people who'd drive us like slaves.

What we did before doesn't matter to them. For them, we are a new company where everyone has been resting for the past 100 years, fresh with energy.

And all the overtime compensation vacations are going to be anulled. I have 80 hours of paid vacation not taken… Grrrr.

Jumping from one slave driver to another one. This is great for my chracter. No wonder all us computer engineers are fucked up in some way. I often wonder when I'll start developing ticks. Gasp. My boss has ticks. It only started due to the last fiasco. I remember not noticing any when I first joined.

SHIT SHIT!

And who will I be able to lean on for support during the next year long over time fiasco that's coming up? No one but myself. I hate the fact that woman will reject men with wuss behavior, cause I really need some loving when the time gets really tough. Oh, and if you want to know me as a wuss. Come meet me in 3 months.

Sigh… goodbye the new me. I miss you and your charm with woman, but I won't be able to maintain you due to work now. Sorry. you gotta die.

好快
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�� 那樣也好 我比較喜歡有事作的感覺