UltraCrepidate

Before I know it… I overbooked my week. Now, there's no more free time.

I am starting to get the feel of the big players. Those who have been washed by power; the real big bosses who make the big decisions.

A chance encounter at a professional training agency I used to go made me cross path with just such a person… I was afraid, but I felt him and I challenged him.

There were others too. But immediately they got filtered out, because they did not go at him with the right maneuver. With them big players, you have to notice the little remarks and comment on it to show your understand and intelligence. Play the intelligent apprentice role so that they want to teach you and give you a push.

He specializes in expansion of companies. And obviously, he's “choosing” the company he wants to help out, instead of looking for a job. That commanding tone… those body languages of power. The slow and sure way his body moves. And most of all, no fidgeting of any kind. Nothing to show what he's thinking.

Sure, they know what I am trying, but they appreciate the fact that I know how to go at it and is not hiding the fact that I know what's going on.

Notes for job hunting:

Make social and buisness cards
Review cv to reaveal the whole package instead
research the 20 companies that's going to be at the techfair
Match resume to specific companies.

Tomorrow and the day after, is the big game.

Finally, the blues and depressions hit me hard again.
I am going through the whole shfield of changing country again. I can remember going through this a year ago and it wasn't a good feeling. At exactly one month, I am going to start crying at night or something because that's when I get to see that no results came through with my frantic search of: friends, jobs, dancing, girlfriends etc.

I hate having to prove myself again to so many people. I mean, I've already found my center, but here I am, I have to prove that center. But where is it? Oops! Too bad, it's in Mandarin.

Somebody comfrot me for god's sake.

Dumping a partner is never a good thing, nor is it easy. I can remember everything that leads up to it and following the dumping of a dance partner… Ugly.

I want to get right back into dancing… but I can't. That's going to take a while and I have to do it slowly to allow everyone to accept me. Uggh, the politics of dancing.

Why does she has to become this good, when everyone else just got fat, ugly, or stayed the same.

Now I want to dance with her really badly.

Josee categorized me in prechamp while James and Luda categorized me in gold… I want to know what Manon thinks before I reach a conclusion.

Sigh… time to learn how to fix a fence tomorrow. It's my first time, and it's going to be a mess.

BTW, I am very proud of myself today. I went to a job fair after waiting for 1 hour in line. Was about to give up, but what the heck. So I went in, tried to joke around first and then talked to them about stuff. I liked working the floor like there's no tomorrow and it is fun talking to people. I have no idea how many resumes I've sent. Close to 30 must've been.

12pm~2pm is the rush hour for restaurants, in contrasts, coffee shops are empty from 12~1pm as well as from 9pm and after… Tim Hortons are always busy for some reason.

Managers of coffee shops usually works from 10am to 2pm.

Direct question works on female employee/managers, however, angers the male ones.

No hair gel lowers people's defense and they talk to you more.

There are more male my age looking for a job than female.

Futureshop has an abundance of employees walking around doing nothing. The ratio of employee/customer is 3/1.

Need to apply for future electronics and futureshop.ca/career and via systems.

Need to research the companies on mcgilltechfair on the 28th and 29th and write appropriate resumes.

Watched “What not to wear”
Even though the girl had a complete makeover and felt like moving her body in a sexy way, she isn't doing it right. The body movements are all wrong and immediately, I can tell that she's just a person in a dress.

HAHA! I wish I took social sciences during my university years. So much time during the weekends. Time to go out, time to dance, time to do everything.

Planned my day to sweep all the jobs in downtown montreal as well as going to a job fair…

It turns out that the job fair is on the 28th and 29th.

Guess what, I forgot to bring my resumes… So stupid. Now I am stuck applying for jobs near my parents house for the day. Ah well.

Sigh… The politics of dancing. I have to be very careful and step around like a scareready cat.

NO. Nothing is ever a smooth ride and since I've decided to stay in Montreal, I have to be ready to work on everything instead of just running away from problems.

Mannon doesn't seem to want me back with Sarah and I agree on the points she brought up.

God awful fashionable. Even the female engineers are cute.
I went to an Engineers Without Borders meeting and I was expecting a classroom full of sausage. But lo and behold, half of it were hot looking females. I've never seen so many female engineers together in a room before… let along hot ones in the range of 8 to 10

I noticed a difference in my thought patterns when I introduced philosophy and current medical advancements into my readings. I begin to think in a different way and reason in different ways. Also, there's this insatiable thirst to know and understand.

Saddened that I did not came up with these thoughts myself. Joyful for being able to spend just 8 hours to learn what others came up with in a lifetime.

I still have a few adjustments to make in my behavior. Cause sometimes I see people with a stunned look in their face at what I said… but I think it's part of my character and part of what make me special. Well, who should I ask for about that? Hmmm, Jeff maybe. He'd give me an honest answer on the social impact of it… .

It's funny to know that I can't talk to many people about this. Alot of them will just be too nice to tell me the truth. Alot has no interest in dipping into the philosophical aspect and theoretical aspect of conversation. Alot, just have too strong of an opinion on what a conversation should be like to even give thought to strategies of talking to people. And alot, will just accuse you of being manipulative.

Luda really seems like she regretted not having me as a partner 2 years ago. James, her boyfriend that night had an identity crisis dream because of Luda's overeagerness to dance with me.

Anyway, that couple is just a crazy world of their own. It's a relationship based on jealousies but they balance it out so well.

Luda kept interrogating me, which is funny:”Peter, you going to dance with Sarah?” “Peter, you going to call the studio for a partner?” “Why not?” “Peter, do you want me to call the studio for you?” “Peter, when are you going to call the studio?”

Sounds nagging on text, but because of personality you actually feels an ego boost.

I am not sure about going back dancing with Sarah. I'd want to fuck her too much and her christian ways prevent her from that, which in turn will make me mad. There are tons of other girls who are more beautiful and is not stuck up with the christian tradition. But with Sarah, we can get right back into dancing without having to work on our connection and chemistry.

No, I cannot seperate dancing and sex. I cannot pretend.

Mmmmm soo many people I want to have sex with.
At least now, I can look at a person and make them look away shyly instead of me.

Next step, make them say hi to me and smile…

Frustrating, I know how to do this before, why do I have to relearn it again.

As I was waiting for James to show up in front of Tim Hortons, this fat woman came up to me and start talking to me, asking me if I live there and blah blah.

Then she asked me if I am single.

And it all came together. She is practicing what I learnt… except it is supposed to be used on women, not men. She also did it in a really bad way without any confidence to back it up, making it feel like something rehearsed.

So before she said the next thing, I asked her why she want to know if I was single, taking the control back in my hand and testing out if she did read the same thing I read.

And there it is, “My sister is single and I am hoping to find someone for her” A variant, but you get the point. Anyway, it sucks as an answer, but when it is directly said right after I responded “yes I am single” it is powerful.

It's refreshing to see my own strategy used on me, it gives me a huge insight on how personality and confidence changes the whole ball game.

Wow. I can't believe I did this much in a fucking week.. and that's after I just moved back from another country, wth jetlag, cultural shock, loneliness of moving to a new city, unemployment.

Shissen. Niao. Shit. Cow.

When will I start having deep thoghts again?

One of the shittiest thing to find out is that all your 10 gigz of songs sound completely different with bass on. Now you have to go through them all again…

I regretted not having bass in Taiwan

Sometimes… I want to bitch slap myself soo hard that I think I'll die just from the thought of it.

What kind of an idiot am I?

Anyway, cultural shock is settling in and the fact that I have next to no friend is hitting me as well.

Language barrier is showing up and I don't feel like I've grown at all. The chracter that I am while communicating verbally in English, is still the pussycat cocky showoff that I was last year. It's as I suspected, my inner growth in mandarin has nothing to do with english.

It seems that the annoying microsoft's junk mail filter for hotmail has been filtering out alot of my important emails. I checked into it yesterday, lo-and behold. 3 emails from important people. Now I know why I sometimes don't get replies.

So much to do… so little time.
It's not work.
I love it.
Jealous? Yes you must be.
And I love it when girls stumble over words in front of me. It's so cute.
North americans are so much bigger… more meat. Bigger breasts. Tanned skins.
I want to lick all of them… the atheletic ones I mean.

Errrg!! ARRRG!!
I know this phase will pass, but ARRRG!!!
I hate the first few days of moving to a new city. You have to spar with the legal system and you can only rest in peace until you kick in in the nuts.

It is interesting to observe the different emotions fighting inside of myself when I walk down the familiar roads amongst montrealers. Past emotions and fears triggered due the the same outside stimulus I experienced before; conflicting with the current self.

I noticed the fear when I catch myself looking away or down feeling embarrassed or inferior whilst at the same time trying to force my current self to interact with the unknown physical stimuli. Visual, olfactory, auditory and kinestic.

The old self, is the self in my memory who interacted in the same condition in the past and it is a natural response that came without any thought… I realize that I'll have to reframe my mind and try to combine the current me with the new environment.

On a happy note. I succeeded in ordering a latte in perfect french. Not the low quebec slang french. But a quebec french with quebec accent that are more sophiscated than the average “ouai”. First phrase in french. “Un caffe latte s'il vous plait, pour emporter.”

I can appreciate everything and everyone, but making me even more vulnerable when it is not returned. Cause now, I can't blame it on the culture when I say hi and get no response back.

Still, it feels different just walking around. Everything is different, everything is a new unknown… a familiar type of unknown. I know it, yet I see it differently now.

Time to explore montreal. Rediscover what I've missed… I mean DOLLAR CINEMA!!! You gotta love it.

The last, and least expected, thing I learnt from Taiwan is the art of bartering. A process in which buyer and seller negotiate the price through metaphors, confrontation and insults until a middle price is decided. Then both honour the decided price.

I am so glad that I bought my thumb ring for NT 300 instead of NT 600. Though I should've got it for NT 200. I am not skillful enough.

No more thoughts coming through my mind. I'd rather not think right now.

It's better to not think. It's better to just say fuck them all and leave.

I feel like I am flashing. Sometimes I am living in life. Sometimes nothing comes through.

Same with emails. Sometimes all my emails get lost and none that I send reached the person… with no error messages returned.

The only thing that's been consistent through time and places is this journal. It is always here.

My last time dancing at the studio in Taiwan. I can sense a hint of sadness near the edge of my conscions, but I am so well trained in the art of blocking away emotions that everything felt smooth.

It could be the lack of emotional attachment to the place that kept me from feeling anything as well. I've always kept a small guard ever since I joined because I always knew I'd leave.

Which is exactly the reason why I am moving to montreal, because I don't want to keep that emotional guard up anymore. I don't want to go into any friendship or relationships with a shield up front first.

Found it! Finally. Corazon de Melao by Jacky Cheung.

10 more days of Taiwan.

One million dollar worth of stock and a career that'll end up making me a CEO in 10 years. Why are you not taking it? Some would ask in amazement.

The answer would have to be “There's no one important enough to make me want stability.”

It makes me laugh that I have to face such questions so early on in my life. Not your everyday problems a person my age should face.

I want simple problems: No money what to do? Get a job at starbucks. Car broke down, call mechanic. Friends down? Talk and encourage.

Not one where it says:”You'll be filthy rich in exchange for 30 years of your life tied behind a desk.”

I refused… a second time. Knowing that my heart still wanders.