UltraCrepidate

Bad things comes in 3.
-Customer from hell, belittling me. I apologize and agreed even though I just feel like messing him up. While being sick
-Power is out when I get home. Had to deal with the crazy landlady who accuse me of every friggin' thing possible and threaten to kick us out in jan 1st.
-Allergy attack in the middle of the night after fixing the power failure and having dinner.

I am glad no one give me a reason to punch them in the face today.

Sick again twice in a month… Ok body I get the hint.

A stranger that really stood out in my mind out of all the strangers I've met is this cashier at Loblaws in Ottawa. It was a long lineup where me and jeff are getting ready to bear the heavy weight of groceries home. This lady started checking the pack of eggs that we bought, turning every single eggs to see if there's any crack.

I am surprised at her professionalism in a job that doesn't require such professionalism. The memory of her is forever burnt into my mind.

The second stranger is one who reminds me of myself in first year or second year university. Parag is a man who means well… but his priority is always on the girls. He'll betray his best friend if it means getting more attention from the girls.

In a group, his discussion with me will only last as long as there are girls listening. If one of the girls start talking to another guy, he'll lose focus and try to interrupt that conversation… If I started talking to any one girl in particular, then he will cut in very rudely.

Predictable… Was I this annoying?

I feel really bad for the girl living downstairs when I had 20 people over this saturday night. She has an exam next week… but only because i've been a subject of the same situation where i was in her shoes before.

As one of the guy said. A party cannot be good without annoying neighboors knocking on your door.

ugh…

“At the worst point of our lives, we used to share a cookie and water for our dinner. We went through college, studying and working while all our friends partied everywhere. They told us that we are crazy…That night, I promised Terry that things are going to get better.” ~Ajay

My fridge is empty as I looked greedily at the last piece of bread in my hand. I carefully coated it with Nutella, trying to make this last moment last longer. Sinking, bathing myself in this desperate feeling. I kept repeating to myself: “Things are going to get better.”

I wondered if all this sacrifice is worth it.

I used my romates password to logon to mcgill's job search website. I must say that Mcgill gives way much more support for their students after graduation. A part of me is jealous.

Luda found a partner in Toronto and decided to move there despite not knowing anyone in that city… This is the kind of crazy stuff that people have to do at the top open level in order to find someone that matches them. Louis-Philip decided to move to San-Diego with his partner for their coach. They both dumped their boyfriend in order to keep the perfect partnership and coach.

I am beginning to wonder, when it'll be my turn to do something as crazy… Wait, shit. I just quit engineering 3 month ago and moved here from Taiwan for a 10 dance partner. WTF am I talking about.

Anyways, I am going to miss Luda, and louis philip… Now I don't have a role model to look up to. Damn it'll be so much fun if Luda did move to Montreal though. Sigh…. such is the life of a dancer.

I am sad. Now there's just my partner and I… we know no one else at our level in montreal.

I have never looked deep into the structures of the chinese language before, nor did I need to study it in order to become better at it. It has always been there for me, without thinking, without effort. It grew with me as the ages pass by and my language processing center for the chinese language are forever intertwined with my primitive brain, my emotional brain and my logical brain… It's like second nature.

A colleague asked me to teach him chinese and I started looking into the chinese language structure. It is only then I realize how much… how complex it is and how amazing that my brain processes all these without giving it a thought.

Unlike my english, which is a constant struggle of grammar checking and spellchecking with my logical brain… the conscious. A much slower process.

I am surprised at my french however. As I build more confidence with it and getting more positive reinforcements through the people I interact with, I find out that my french is more natural than my english language. It seems as though english… is a conscious effort that I force upon myself and it is not natural for me. Yet it is my most fluent language.

If there's one thing I miss about working in an ASIC design house is the culture of comeraderie. A bunch of people pulling all nighters to push the project forward, to meet the deadlines. Some has famillies, some has girlfriends and some lives to work. Yet none outside of those who've been through working in a design house can laugh and joke about it with a feeling of helplessness towards all the unpredictable bug that eventually come up when we try to convert theory into real life.

It is a special bond that only designers can understand. No bickering between ourselves, no internal fighting, no power play, no politics. Just us and our deadline.

I miss it tremendeously.

When I just started dancing and was really bad, I wanted to tell everyone how great I am.
Now that I am really good. I am so sick and tired of anything about dancing that I find myself struggling for a way to change the topic to something else interesting all the time.

I stopped volunteering at The Old Brewery…. actually, I stopped volunteering at soupe kitchen from now on. I thought that I was helping people and that I was actually making a difference, but after what I've seen. I understand that the system is more being taken advantaged of than being used on the right place. Yes it helps the really in need, but only 1% of those people needs the help.

My view about the people with disabilities changed after I started working for Nordia. At work, I am in constant contact with the disabled people. Sharing glimpses of their lives with them, doing their banking, have phone sex with their boyfriend/girlfriends, report to their boss, report on the guy they just whacked, calling 911 etc.

The disability is a curse who desires to be normal and a blessing for those who can adapt to the environment. Often, its those who were once normal who have a hard time getting their lives together, because they constantly dwell in the past glories of normal life, forgetting about what makes life fun: the challenge to be overcome.

In Montreal, I know two persons who have lost an arm. One, is the guy who sits at guy metro station, purposely showing his amputated arm to get more pity for money. The other is one of the team managers at work who moved here from Columbia as a refugee.

There, my disconnected thoughts in my head that I never gave time to grow. Now it feels complete.

The delicate world of dancesport is almost similar to a secret society of bdsm dominant and submissives. Once a person starts to get into dancesport they are immediately aware of the rules of the society structures of dancesport. People at the top are looked up upon as deities and people at the bottom are like weeds… just too much of them to pay attention to all.

It creates an instant dominant-submissive like relationship where the top dancers have power over the less skillful ones. Where awe, fantasy and admiration controls those of the bottom and make them follow the top people like glossy eyed puppies.

Today, I talked to my team manager… my boss… as if she's a little girl. I was very amused at the rapid switching of power.

Did anyone ever look deeper into the meaning of consent?
It involves a party setting a condition on the other party and the other party accepting or denying the condition.

The pseudo choice that the receiving party is given is still set by the first party.

With each struggle between you and your demon two outcomes can occur. You end up being consumed and defeated by your demons and eventuall all your actions thus dictate your life. Or you conquered your demon and absorbed it into yourself… eventually becoming the advocate of the demon.

My professionalism at work is slipping. As tensions build up inside of me from the incompatibilities of the two lifes I lead. Time money pressure, time money tension. It's only at times like these can one find out about one's limit of professionalism.

Often, I find myself amused with my own ability to switch as if nothing at all had happened before this moment. But as time goes on. A tiny bit of this sips in… a tiny bit of that sips in, then after a while, when I do a complete comparison with what it was like a long time ago, I realized the change in attitude.

My room is a mess and I think it's a good indication that I need a rest.
Tomorrow is the show and I feel myself coming down with a second cold. It's ok though. I've always trusted my body to hold on until the hard battles are fought.