UltraCrepidate

I am constantly worried about money cause I am barely making it through months. The stress of having to struggle with my own conscious everytime I buy coffee, purchased groceries that are slightly higher quality or having chicken for dinner.

I reuse the god damn ziploc bags!!! Sometimes I want to cry. I can't keep up with the expenses that my dancing is costing me. I can't deal with getting to work everyday feeling crappy, sweaty and tired after a 3 hour dance practice. I don't want to wake up everyday at 8 am and not get home till 1 am in the morning anymore.

Most of all, I want to talk with someone who leads the same life.

I feel so anti social and I've only slept 2 hours last night.

I am more and more in tune with my geek side now. More comfortable to talk about technologies and play computer games with people who enjoys the same. For ages, it has been looked down upon and geeks don't really fare well in school as they are constantly the center of jokes and abuses.

I would never be able to arrive at this level of comfort with my natural geekiness have I not achieved such great heights in my other area of life… my other personalities. Those who dismiss me because of this part of my life will actually be doing me a favor and save me the time of filtering people out.

For a while, I've been asking myself, of which of the personality that I have is the actual me? Which of me, it the 3 completely different life styles that I lead is the true self? The revelation came when I realize that the person I am, exist behind the struggle, this is why, I can never be just one of them. At the same time, I am forced to seek out a person with the same struggle.

My words have become less flamboyant, less flowerly as time moves on. With less practices in writing nowadays and life moving along at an unusual pace, I'd rather stick to the bare simplicity, than to sit down in an attempt to come up with new ways to write.

I discovered that it has become a way of my life. It makes people furious, it makes them hear different things and most of all, it makes them imagine the unheard words.

“She's DEAF!” I talked with excitement.
“No she's NOT!!!” She lashed back, offended.

A simple exchange with my dance partner as we looked admiringly at the Canadian champions practice and argue with each other. I had said that, when I see the woman gesture to her partner, not in sign language, but just a gesture to discuss something.

I noticed how her gesture is more elaborate than that of a normal hearing person just like the deaf colleague I work with at my workplace and had blurted it out in excitement. Only when i hear the insult in my partner's voice, did I realize the chasm that exist between us in understanding.

She as always, lashed out in response to what she think is appropriate in her reality. For her, saying someone as deaf, is as if, you are classifying the person as a monster. I insulted her idol, who is the canadian champion.

For me, there's no distinction between a deaf and normal hearing person and if I can put a measure to it. I value deaf people more than I value a normal hearing people. Why? Because of the struggle. She cannot understand that. NO, she's blocked understanding out from her mind, even before I had said that. For that I am saddened.

For the different lives I lead, my mind developed different personalities in order to cope with the big differences in how people interact with me. When I was young, I wasn't experienced enough to switch the attitudes, but as I grow older, the switch gets easier, but also as my interests grows, the number of these faces also increases.

I get less and less sleep as the time each one of these lives requires, increases. 5 hours and I am refreshed, but everytime I do a complete swithc, everytime I force myself to jump into another life, I feel this tug in my conscious, as if I am cutting myself mentally. To tear myself away from something I like to do into another thing I like to do.

Is this good? Am I strong?

Is earned. Today, my dance partner askedme to respect her. She told me that I am really condensending. That is when this thought keep on passing through my head.

No, I don't really respect her for the way she does things. So I cannot give her the respect she wants.

You cannot go.

That line has changed its meaning so much as more and more experience happens with life.