UltraCrepidate

I think. I am going to move my blog to a new location now.
http://spaces.msn.com/members/causalien/

I did a similar try before with apple's 2 gig webspace. But then I find out that people have to login to see my entry so that goes poof.

MSN's space will allow me to post pictures, something that is lacking from the current live journal. Some say OH NO! MSN. Yeah I used to be an elitist webmaster who believes in buying my own storage and traffic space on the web and make my own website. But oh well, time and money ran out.

This will actually force me to get one of those HP hand held computers tha thave digital camera on it. I get to take pictures WOOT!

There's this girl at work. Flirty, down to earth and good personality. a.k.a not in lala land.
Except she's a bit chubby…

Being around beautiful bodies all my horny life means I am spoilt. I can't get past that fact…. It's such a waste for such a beautiful mind. Makes me feel so superficial, I just can't bring myself to forgive people who are chubby when it comes to romance. Why? Because I lead a very active life and I make an effort to do that.

And also, as I became more active with the body, I realize in the decay of the mind. Of the way I think, speak and converse with people. I “show” more what I mean than try to use the right words to describe it and I see the same effect when the Canadian 10 dance champion was teaching us. It's fun to see how much expression his face have. Thus came the great theory of dance skill. How much potential you have as a dancer depends on how much facial expression you can pull off without having any training in it first. Corny but true. It shows how much feeling you can simulate and wrap yourself in without having to think about how to simulate them.

Gotta go work out for the last time before my membership runs out.

I've decided to make an effort to buy one now.
Bits and pieces of information everywhere. in different notebooks that got filled up. Transferring information to the new notebook, pieces of phone numbers that I found a few month later in my pocket. All this annoys me and I need some order.

A palm pilot will benefit my life greatly and it's worth a 300 investment from me. I'll just have to starve a bit.

I noticed today another professional who count the beat using “jiga jiga chika chic” instead of “Slow quick quick” or a “1 and 2 and 3 and uh 4″. The one using jiga jiga take their lessons in England I believe. Has anyone else heard of any other form of counting?

At a time of transition, big decisions comes up about the way of living and where to head for my future. Especially with the quarter life crisis. I am evaluating things even more than I had before.

A few conclusion is drawn.

More money
Change partner

I always wondered what people think when I mentioned about this talk on the radio about necrophiliacs and think that was interesting and I kinda understand them a bit more after that. Honestly, it doesn't freak me out, in contrary I was very curious of their mind. Same as I am interested in the how and why a serial killer's killing ritual.

I stepped past my quarter life mark now. Smoked my first cigarette and finally quenlched the craving to smoke it. Nicotine stink and I will never smoke it again. At least that is crossed out in my things to do list a bit late but I have to make sure I am strong enough to fight the addiction if ever I need to fight it.

I was only sure that I can take it on after I cured myself from MMORPG without any help. I've kept this a secret from everyone for the past 5 months. Only my roomate knew of the level of addiction I was in. Man I feel one with those nerd you see on newspapers who you'd consider losers.

HOw? I think summer saved me. I can't stop loving the feeling of moving my body. Running everywhere and feeling how powerful and fit I am. I run using the ball of my foot contrary to using heel like everyone does. That makes all my leg muscles flexed and trains my toe at the same time… I feel… WOW LIke there's energy sipping out of me that I have to use up.

My face has changed to a more angular and skinnier shape from last year. I now look more fierce more… bad.
Taking care of life has definitely done something to my face.

At least I don't have any of the boyish baby features now and won't get carded at clubs anymore.

Did the show. A rumba and a foxtrot. It's probablly our best show ever… I watched everyone that I knew and i have surpassed them. I feel a sense of loss… Like I no longer belong there as I have ascended into a different world and I am just something pretty they look at from now on instead of one of them, working hard to achieve something.

During the dinner, I kept asking myself the same questions. How far should I go? Is this enough? I tried to talk to my previous teacher and stopped when she asked me a question. It's a question from the perspective of the women. Have I started doing this, instead of why I am feeling this way. Right away I know they are on the defensive for all woman in the world. I know I can't pour my heart out… I can understand them cause last night, 3 of the guys dumped 3 of their partners. All men are assholes that night.

Dropped dead on my dead when I got back to my apartment it will belong to someone else in a few days. Email box full of people contacting me for something. Parents moving to Vancouver, there's no way for me to fall back anymore. It's me and the water behind me from now on… I wondered, what have I achieved this weekend?

All these things I am experiencing in dancing and no one to talk to. All i get from most people is that blank stare and the occasional ” oh that's nice” “yeah it must be hard”. I want someone who's been through it all like I do to compare notes and agree on things and exchange views.

I hate bottling up all these shit inside because no one else has the same experience… that speaks english. AHHHH!! they are all either russian or french. AND a guy , not a woman in dancing.

Random events hits my nerves simultaneously.

I did an estimation of my past month's spending with the new active life style. Working out, dancing and just being plain dumb energetic… My paycheck cannot support it due to the increase in the amount of food intake.

Roomate Nancy's last month check bounced and she's nowhere to be seen.

New roomate for the new place is having problems with the old apartment. Basically she ignored an official letter that her landlord sent her. Now she has to pay 3 months double rent unless she can find someone.

Fucking arguing with my dance partner all the time.

Moving.

Ugh… I do enjoy the energy I have when facing these problems… but when I am home at night, alone, it hits hard.

Ugh….

One of the roomate that's suppose to move in with us, is bringing with her a shitload of rental problems.

It's weird, once you start working with someone on a joint project, you find out another side of them and makes you reevaluate them as a person.

Well if someone wants to rent a 3 1/2 apartment for $510 a month near laurier and the 18th avenue. Let me know. The apartment has heating and water included.

On another note. I am back to my summer look now. A short haircut that gives me back my sporty active look. Well, I was only able to because I finally found a good barber. Geezes took me long enough. Anyway, he's from Moroco and doesn't speak a word of english. Our communication consist of sounds and pointing with index fingers used as measuremnts of length.

We respect each other as foreigners in this country making a living. He doesn't speak english or french, but that doesn't mean he's dumb or doesn't know anything. I can tell from the way he brushed my hair to the way he used the scissor that he's a veteran in cutting hair in his country. Same age as me and must have at lesat 8 year of experience already. He holds his brush in such a way that if there is a bump in the head, the brush will slide up and down along its curves. Cutting skill is excellent as he never pulls my hair, always finishing a cut before pulling the scissor away.

And as always, I tested his skill by choosing the razor as the final trimming tool. He embraced the challenge by changing the blade, washing, sanitizing in a smooth motion right in front of me. Then proceeded on warming up the blade before sticking it close to my skin. I did not feel one bit of discomfort.

That haircutting was done before my half dranked coffee goes cold from sitting in front of the mirror. The experience is as good as the coffee. Sip drink sit sigh exhale. If I smoked, I'd add inhale release mouth inhale from nose big sigh.

I went to a buffet with a colleague and his high school buddies. It was a rollercoaster ride of laughter ever since the beginning. I laughed till my stomac hurts and tears coming out from my eyes.

I wish… I have high school friends like that, but no! My parents feel the need to transfer me to a private school for my last two years. I've never stinking stayed in a school for more than one year from primary school 6 up to college. FARKING! I envy friends like that. Even when 1 is became criminal, 1 became a hardcore biker and 1 a computer geek, they have a connection that is never lost.

I recently got into the world of classified ads. It's an amazing place where one can find whatever one needs at a cheap price…. if you look long enough. Everyday there's a new surpise item you've dreamed of wanting, but is not essential for the moment. Well.. here it is for a dirt cheap price.

Why didn't I use this before? Frankly because none of the person in my social circle uses it before, so I was never introduced to it.

So my dance partner started working the same job as me. I feel like she's free loading off of my connections. I mean, I bring her up in dancing, I get her a job. What's next? get her a house? Anyway, It feels good when I hear that my co workers think badly of her. It confirms with what I have in my mind. Is it just my need for confirmation? Or my need to know I am right.

Tell me if this doesn't make sense.

During these past few days, I've seen apartments that wowified my mind for hours and end. I could not help but think about living there.

But the current financial situation prevents me from doing that and I hated that thought. Again, I have to compromise. I am tired of toughing it out and am ready to start enjoying the finer things in life. NOW at this MOMENT.

At least the one that we are going to sign the lease with has a large room. Bigger than anything I've lived in so far.

If i didn't dance I know I could've afford my dream apartments. Just being in there makes me feel different. It's relaxed, soothing. Instead of crammed up cluttered. Which has always been what my room feel like due to lack of space.

It'll be far away from downtown, near metro beaubien. I won't be able to practice as much but hey, let's see what life takes me. I don't really care that much about dancing anymore. I am going to blame it for me not being able to have fun in life.

I mean… c'mon. 300 per month just for lessons. Not including the competition fees, shoes, costumes makeup. FARK

I am soon to be moving out with 2 tech chicks. People who understand me and don't mind my weird ways.

I always dread joining a game of soccer or any activity remotely close to… well team sports.

Back when I was small, there was one team sport that I was really good at: Dodge ball. It's all about the praise and having people worshi you because you are an atheletic celebrity.

When I moved here, none of these sports are familiar to me. I remember the first time I was put in my gym class playing hockey, basketball and soccer. It is then that the fear of team sport got instilled in me. I sucked, no one wanted me and I can sense it. I should just give up like all the other non sporty people and just let it be, but instead I tried to get better at it and of course people got a laugh out of it.

No one can teach me back then because I didn't understand french or english very well. All the rules of hockey and soccer are learnt from watching when the referee blow his whistle and trying to figure out why. Rest assured, I wasn't very popular because of that. My parents are no help in teaching me any of the team sports and there was a time when I dreaded gym classes or my weekly soccer practice.

I want to be good, I want to be white, I want to be part of the society. Fuck off.