UltraCrepidate

So much happened. I don't want to solve problems anymore. Let me sleep.

Some dancing pictures… Taken with my crappy palm's camera.

Us dancing in a show

Us dancing in a show

A competitor who's only 13… wow.

The reason why I didn't want my dance partner working at the same place as me is exactly the event that occured today.

We started discussing our schedule together and she started accusing me of never being available to practice in the weekends… “Excuse me, you are the one who always plans some trip in the weekend and cancel, move it again and cancel again.” I realized as soon as I said :” Oh so it's all me eh?” Then I forced myself to say forget it and walked away.

It frustrates me that I have to surpress my anger at a place that I consider fun and relaxing. WORK ! Yes work, a place where I know everyone and that I don't have to worry about Sarah, where my dance life has no link to. Now I have to deal with this shit everywhere I go. It also angers me that she is ignorant enough to not see that I don't want none of this shit at work and the fact that she'd try to start a fight at work is just outright stupid. Has she no tact at dealing with people? No she does not.

Flashes of our phone conversation now came back where she complained about her old dance partner. On how he doesn't talk to her or do things for her. Now I understand why. It wasn't because he's anti social or weird, it's because the way she talks angers people so much that they don't want to deal with her.

I am now able to pin point exactly why she infuriate me so. She would accuse me of something if it doesn't fit into how she wants things to pan out. Even if I told her that I am visiting my parents 1 week in advance, she accuse me of not wanting to practice. Her need to know exactly why I can't practice a certain date if the reason is not good enough she whines about me forgoing practice for some stupid excuse I have for not practicing. All the while, she does the same thing herself, yet not accepting that others does it.

I hate it that I can't dump her now. After so much money has been put into making our routines, I want to compete a few times before it all goes to waste.

So much dissapointments in life, I can almost expect trouble with every turn of the corner, everything I am pushing for. I feel really tired today and I don't know if I can keep the smile on my face anymore.

Today I learnt something fun to do.

What used to be a damn right cocky move that I see the guys do on the dance floor is that they walk around while their woman is standing on the spot before the music starts. Either repositioning their button or look around with a challenging stare. Like a cock drawing out a territory.

In fact that is exactly what they are doing. Drawing a line to the other competitors saying: “My routine will take up these space, stay away or enter at your own risk of being kicked by one of our moves.”

Cool

On another note, we almost finished our jive routine today. I don't like it, Francis has to tone down the routine to accomodate her lack of skill in jive.

I want something faster, flashier more kicking, but she can't keep up. Grrrr and she keep on complaining about my lead when all my teachers say they are fine. I was even able to lead Francis for christ sake and I don't know why she complain about a certain lead when all my teachers complimented on how good they are… I am beginning to suspect that because she can 't match my speed that she didn't catch the lead. ANd… i can't feel her feet it feels empty and wobbly. AHHH!!!

Ok enough of partner trashing. I have to worry about groceries and finding a cheap place near where I live.

-Yes you are poor, yes you don't have money. Blah blah blah sure I'll reschedule my work, sure I'll go where it's free for you and close to you to practice…
-Get me a job Peter I can't dance without money
-Now that you got a job can you do this and this instead so there's less burden on me?
-NO I got tuition to pay, rent and food.
-Look the only reason I got you that job is so you can have money to dance. It's not so you can go out clubbing and pay off your tuition. You do that with your own job if you can get one.
-Loan is not enough to sutstain my tuition.
-Yeah well why don't you move to another place with cheaper rent instead of paying $550 a month for rent in order to stay close to your friends.
-Shut up, don't tell me what to do.

“Yeah well you are just living in a fantasy life and you are too blind to see that you are holding on to it because you can't give up your fantasy”

This is a typical fight between us.

This is one of those days where I don't feel like living the life. I just want to sit down and do nothing and immerse myself with depressing thoughts.. . How did that happen?

What is it that makes dancing so exotic so primitive yet civilized? Why do we dance anyway? If body languages gives hint to the true thinking of the person whom you are observing, then isn't dancing the biggest give away of your inner self?

When I was in Taiwan, I heard rumours of teachers who can understand who you are by the way you dance. I didn't believe it at that time… I sucked, but now as I progressed, I begin to see how my dance partner's personality comes through her dance. I began to see or imagine that it is in fact her personality that is dancing, no matter what the routine is, the routine just serves to accentuate that, because her personality is in every move.

However, I have doubts in my belief. Have I wanted to believe it so much that I started associating certain trait of her style with that theory? Or have I been right all along? I have a harder time assessing the other dancers at studio 2720 because well, good dancers don't like to be criticize by their opponents. Criticize because I am their opponent and everything I say will eventually become criticzime.

And what of the world champions? They are so good that I cannot even come close to guess what it is that they are. I realize that I can only determine those who are less skillful than me and not better than me. It is based on experience after all.

I want dancing to be indeed your personality because then, I can work on my self and knowing still that I am actually working on my dancing as well. Well, here's a few major point of what I believe is my partner's personality that came through dancing:

-The need for someone to hold her hand and tell her exactly what to do.
-Fear of showing her sexuality
-Wanting to be good but not knowing how to work towards it.

Tasha told me, I am serious and she's vanity.

I've begun studying people's gait as well. Skin tone, wrinkles, palmistry. I believe that what a person did to their life is reflected alot on their body. Just like a person who tries to be cool and fit in high school wears their back pack on one side and because of some reason never got rid of that habit. This type of person usually has one shoulder higher than the other when they try to stand straight, or a hip bone higher than the other because their muscles has forgotten how to relaxe. I sometimes wonder, do others see what I see?

I would say that the biggest turning point of my life, which also happened at the age of 18 as I shed the skins of a teenager into full independent adulthood, would be the start of my dance career. I have always thought that the top dancer's life are fairy tales filled with dumping, being dumped and picking up everything you have and moving to another country for a dance partner.

For the past few years I always struggled between giving it all out for dancing or having a career, when in one of my deep self searching meditations while baking under the sun beside the swimming pool, I realized that I have stepped acrossed the line without knowing it myself. The line of thought was simple, it started with money as it always has. Then I concluded that I must have a better job to support my dancing, as well as something challenging to stimulate my brain. Upon realizing this I took a path I never explored because the answer is so obvious to my sub conscious that I ruled it out as worthy of exploring as soon as the thought is form. I examined why I am lacking money.

I am surrounded by people who ask me “Why is a guy with a university degree working here” and I am considering career advancement only because of the same reason. If I do not have that reason, wouldn't I be content with the simple life I'd have? It provide enough money to feed myself well, go out all the time and well fed with a nice apartment surely, without that great reason, I wouldn't even have the motivation to push past what is so comfortable. I don't have any alcohool problems or drug problems like my colleagues have so I would have no problem having spare money. Hell even at the speed I am spending my money right now I still managed to save up. 3k in bank, 2k in stock. Not having an addiction rocks.

Maybe I am wrong. Humen are shallow.

Lets see if any of you can see this picture. Please comment. I am logged into it on my computer so it might work only for me for some weird unexpected internet reasons due to cookies, and stuff.