UltraCrepidate

I have a faint memory of my dad speaking louder than usual in anger and throwing out the chinese equipvalent of “Useless and digrace, no backbone” towards my brother one day after school. I was a little boy and hid silently away in my room to avoid whatever wrath might come my way if I accidently stepped into the living room in the middle of that conversation. Brother became very quiet after that day.

Fast track to this year a few weeks ago during one of my rare moments at home alone with my mom. She told me that my brother was beaten up that day by gangsters that's when my brother enclosed himself in his shell. Before that he was as outgoing as I am. She feel bad for raising my big brother wrong, she feel responsible.

When I was small, I used to think that the way my father had lectured my brother that day is natural and acceptable. But now that I look at it, I saw the impact that it had on him. Yes he has to help himself out of that situation but as I understand him more and more, I become more compassionate towards him.

I didn't understand it before, why he seemed so weak in my mind. Now I have the full story as mom began telling me of all the problems in the familly that they hid from me. I remembered that once when i was small, I looked up to my brother… when he was bright and outgoing.

Woot. 2 weeks and promoted. More responsibility but same pay. I feel sad and happy.

I locked gaze with her struggled under the pressure not to smile with jocund abandon. Instead, I steadied my gaze and nodded my chin at her, raising the eyebrows ever so slightly and produced some pleasant greeting: “Whattup”

She smiled back like a sun peeking out from the clound in a thunderstorm. I am happy.

So far my September spending on dancing.

Latin Shirt: Free
Latin Pants: $100
Latin Shoes: $170

Gas: $80
Food:$20
Registration Fee: $40
Total $410

October comes and I have 2 competition Predicting budget.
Dry cleaning (assume $10 per item) = $10 x 5 = $50
Longueuil: Registration $70
Toronto:
Registration $80/2 = $40
Hotel: $84/2 = 42
Gas: $180
Total Competition $382402
Lessons: $480/2 = $240
Extra Lesson: $100/2 = $50
Dry cleaning = $20

Total Dancing $692

Rent: $300
Food: $200

Total Spending: $1192…

It's more than my paycheck for now… God help me.

Eventually somewhere in the middle of the road dancers come face to face with their ugliest closet skeleton reincarnate in the expression of their dancing.

A dance expresses the way you think and is eventually linked to the way you are internally for the motor skill takes roots in the deepest part of your primitive brain that overrides all logical thinking.

My problem is with roots and being grounded. I simply had no idea what they mean. My teacher tried to tell me to use my feet more, oh believe me I do but always the wrong way.

Yesterday, despite my partner's extreme coldness towards me, I kept on asking her feedback. I thought to myself, if she's going to criticise me the whole way I might as well let her criticise in the places that I need criticising. It worked and I have a new idea of what I really need to do to make woman feel me taking steps… That's in standard only. I still have no clue how to do that in latin.

It's gotten to a point where she criticize every move I make. That we can't even complete one sequence without stopping in the middle to fight.

It's not the fighting that bothered me because fighting only happens when I can't take her attitude anymore. Her exaggerated body motion is constantly there and out in the open for everyone to see at the studio. She seemed to have forgotten what she asked of me herself. That we are to behave and pretend we are in perfect harmony with each other at the studio.

She sighs loudly and throws my hand away. Her exaggerated expression of pain when she dances with me. I told her that it's not such a big deal and she doesn't have to act that way… It didn't work.

So I tried some of her reaction back at her and she goes silent for a while. I am beginning to suspect that she just want me to whip her. That I have to go back to how I used to be, criticizing her every moment.

This is what I am not getting. I try to be civilized and ask her to stop certain things. I also try very hard not to criticize her. It just brings more anger out of her. So I become an asshole and treat her like shit for a while and she become this obedient silent girl. Yet she demands me to treat her like a nice person so that our dancing can progress with the positive reinforcemnts.

Does this make any sense to you?

What's getting bad though is the constant last minute scheduling of a lesson and telling me the day of. As well as the last minute vacation plan with only 12 hours of warning. Maybe she's forcing me to dump her because she's not good at saying things like that.

So… I still haven't given up on getting an engineering job. I have time at work to sit down and clearly analyse the situation.

I need a resume that distinguishes myself from others. I am thinking about a cd-rom to hand in… Like an artist would do to showcase their profile.

But what would I put in it? How can one showcase technical jargon? I am thinking about that.

But for the details of the multimedia, i think I'll use flash or shockwave. Its professional feel and lack of virus associated with it should put most people at ease.

Still, what kind of presentation do I put on it?
My end of year project was filmed by the TA. Maybe I can get that.
I also have a few sound file as well as the test data results from the project I was on in Taiwan, I believe I can put up some type of presentation for it.
The last problem is, how am I going to present these.

Maybe a self diary will do.

I can even include my dance competition movies as a presentation if they ever want to find out what I do on my spare time.

I realize that this is a big project and I am not very skillful in flash or movie making. But at least it's something to do during all the spare time I have… which is not much.

Work is actually interesting. I must have lowered my standard so much that I consider forwarding calls to the right technical department fun.

Well, at least I get to study alot during work and have full computer and Internet access. Half of the 9 hours I am there, I am basically minding my own buisness and since GSK employees are all professionals, no one yells at me. Can't say I like the job, but I certainly sound enthusiatic.

I don have buddies though since I am sitting in a corner all by myself and since there was only me in the training group, I don't have any group friend. Introduction into this company is probablly the worst part of it all. They really did a bad job at group moral. But what the heck, it's not like I cared about that. All I want now is a better paying job and time to study things I like. The pay is not that much improvement, I am just hopeful I can get into a better position with more pay.

The overnight schedule is doing the humping dance with my system. The world whirled each time I stand up… Time is no longer what it seems to be and I am numb from the effort to try and stay awake.

Ahhh what the heck am I complaining. It's a job, better than nothing. I must be the most resiliant person to any kind of scheduling crap now. Hell I lived through overnights, I lived through a call center that has forever changing schedules. I lived through working night shift one day and early morning shift on another. What else can you throw at me scheduling wise?

If anything, this just increased my effort to find something better. I know that this job is killing me inside out. . .

What have I learnt? Nothing, well, I do feel like a secretary forwarding calls, because the upper managements don't trust us enough to troubleshoot anything. Why else did they put me on the crappiest shift? LOL

On the floor couples stood, oblivious of everything but the music and each other. Each couple in their own story dancing their hearts for the audience to see. Sometimes the stories will collide and sometimes they distance away from each other for a breather, but it is always there.

We came in 2nd in Standard and 3rd in latin. It was good getting the first competition out of the way because now we can focus more on playing than being self conscious.

There was this juvenile couple that are 11 years old. They are the cutest thing in the world and amazing with thier body. The little boy is asian and he went on the floor with the ” I got a job to do” expression while doing all those crazy body movements that are usually associated with alot of facial expression. That is just pure cuteness. I think this is the biggest difference that distinguishes me from other asians. I have expressions and I play.

Kids pic 1



Kids pic 2

There was this Standard couple whom I respect alot. It's just their attitude on the floor and how elegant they are in every situation they encounter.

Standard


And here is Danny and Myriam in a latindance. The only picture I have that's clear enough.

Latin

People treat me differently now. They laugh at my stupid joke and girls blush at the simplest thing I say. I didn't even have to try to be funny or anything… everyone smiles at me. Oh well, it is the hierarchy of dancing. Back when I was in bronze level… ha fat chance that happening.

Dad is having an affair in Taiwan. I can tell from mom's agitation that she's seen enough small signs to discover the truth. Stories upon stories of unhappy events keep shoving their behind into my ear. I do not wish to hear those tales but that is what I have to do and the only thing I can do. It seems that I've become the ear of the familly who just listens.

I cannot take any side because I love them equally. Call it love if you will,it is as much as my cultural programming allows me to love them. If you ask me more in detail, I can only say I have never felt familly love like those depicted on TV. My dad never hugged me and I always know that there's no one in the audience seat cheering for me when I scored that perfect winning goal. What I feel for them is a mere wishing for their well being.

It'll be a 3 day trip for the IDSF Kingston competition. The fact that competition season is slowly creeping in hasn't hit me yet. I just feel this extreme desire to get all the preparations done tonight so I can go to bed and sleep.

All I can think of is how am I going to pull off my first day of job when I am going to be coming back from my competition that day physically drained. It literally is going to be monday morning at 2 am i.e. No fucking collapse on the bed for a whole day after a satisfying and exhausting competition. No, I go straight to work.

The situation I am in now, make me regreat one stupid thing I did. I refused to be a patent agent… which pays about 50k a year… compared to my 12k.. haha.. Why did I do that? I wanted to be a real friggin engineer.

…. is filled with bikers. I feel like I belong in a hidden sect when a group of us meet on the bike track and all head towards the same direction.

I feel under accessorized within this group. Everyone has their elastic biking/track suit and pants on, cool helmet, sunglasses, gloves, water bottle holders with their rear mounted bike back pack.

Oh I envy them sometimes, looking so professional in that getup. Except:
Bike shirt: 250
Shorts: 50
Sunglasses maybe 100

I noticed however that female bikers in those getup who've spent those money has killer bodies… of course, they bike every friggin day.

A revelation today, sadness and clarity followed. I see things differently now and another trust broken. I will go into this more tomorrow but for now I am too tired with all these things going on.

Roomate is breaking lease and moving back to BC soon, so here again comes roomate hunting.

Everyone comes in tired, weary from their daytime job and the traffic jam afterwards. But when the song starts, that is all left behind and you see joy and energy in everyone's eyes.

Till after 3 hours of practices, you started getting tired, your partner started getting irritated at you because you didn't do something right. Same for you, you are weary of your partner. Of course, you are tired and you've been up since 6 am for your job and will probablly never get home till 11 pm.

After some verbal exchanges hinting of threat and insult, it gets on your nerves yet you still have to dance with your partner and you still have to smile and pretend. Yet you don't want to.

By the end of the practice, every couple leave with something broken, some unfinished fight that take nest in dark corners of their mind. Everyone leaves unhappy…

So why am I so sure that I'll see everyone again tomorrow? Why do we come back if this is so emotionally draining.

Rent + Latin shoes + Latin costume = 1k.

Did i just do that? It seems unreal. Am I crazy? Definitely.

Other than that I, obtained two engineering schematics for audio circuit today. I feel excitement and confusion. Afraid to find out that I've lost my skills and excited because I loved playing with it.

Russian is coming along good. I can read and pronounce words now but I think I will work on my english skills a bit with my newly obtained english grammar ebook. Yeah, I think it needs some polishing after being a Communication Assistant. Spending 1 year using American Sign Language grammar structure will fuck any non anglophone up.

I was watching David Deangelo's videon on body language and heard the name Patti by him as a guest speaker. But it didn't cross my mind as the same Patti whom I know even after he mentioned that she's a dance teacher. The possibility just seemed too incredible to me.

… Until the camera panned in on Patti, I didn't believe it could be her. She's is a guest speaker at a womanizer master's conference. It explain alot of things and the guilt of being too gullidble when I just started out dancing has faded away. It makes falling into her trap allright because she's a master at seduction and body language.

Patti and I goes back 6 years, when I first started out dancing. She was 30 and I was 18 and I know she has no interest in me nor I her. Still, it didn't stop her from using all her stuff on me and make me fell very good on spendind all that money in Arthur Murray's obscene price for dancing. She is a master afterall.

I think the biggest pit I fell into in my life is that one. And I learnt big time from it.

Found 3 really good samba songs:

Gasolina by daddy yankee
La Tortura by shakira
Never Leave You-Uh ooh, Uhh ooo by Lumidee

Sometimes my body go into overburn mode, a certain way of living that is going at 110% past normal. During these time I require more food and any muscles I use get that sore feeling right after exercise instead of a day after. Exercising tires me out instead of energizing me and my mood swing is very wide from the chemical imbalance.

I discovered this because after three weeks of almost inactivity. With the job hunting and all, I am forced back to a normal cubicle person. But today, my bike ride to the studio took me only 20 minutes instead of the 40 minutes and my legs weren't dead. I had energy to dance afterwards.

This is good, I am slowly getting back to the active life and I am more fit than ever. Doing nothing at home on vacation and getting paid is awesome. Though I'd prefer to be back packing somewhere but I need to save up for competition, bank account is stuck at 4k and I don't think it'll last me a month.

Fat raindrops danced on the multitude of surfaces as I emerged from the looming office building that binded me for a year. It felt good to be free and afraid at the same time whilst wrapped in the blanket of darkness. I have forgotten what it is like to be always on the ball, a year of compromises can to do that to you.

A black and white movie started cruising through my mind as I replayed the last year in slow motion. Thinking ever so slowly of what I have learnt as I wringed the fabric of my memory tightly.

It was a dark and cold night but I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts to notice that somebody had played a cruel joke on me. The joker removed a few screws and knots but but left everything else to avoid detection. So there I was in one of those moments, the breeze was cold and rain trickled down along the wrinkles of my face, my stomac growled in protest and my bike is falling apart. I was amused, it is a desperate situation that is faintly familiar. Deep down inside I like this feeling. I am afraid and alive, the fear makes me hunger and the hunger makes me desire.

Then the desire will consume me.

I didn't get the position to manage agents at the current place I am working at. It's depressing because it's one of the interview that I've decided to hide nothing about my dancing and my preferences and how it helps me instead of hinders me at work. It feels like my life as a whole, my belief in what I am doing is rejected.

Granted I have backup jobs, but I've started out with the company and endured the hardships in the beginning when nothing is for certain. I am qualified for it and it's a waste to keep me at the agent's level. This certainly is different from my last job where my boss tried for a month to avoid talking to me so I wouldn't bring it up… and the standing ovation I got in the end when it is my final day at work was classic…

Reflecting on why. Ever since the dominant male figure left for a better position at headquarters. Basically handing of the power in women's hands, none of the position opening up within this call center has been occupied by men. It's all women… Now that I actually think about it, there's only 3 men occupying any position beside agent and they've been there since the beginning too. The rest are women … equality my ass.

Anyway, I can't stand just being a mindless drone anymore when I actively ask for more responsibility and more things to do. I also don't like how they keep talking down to us as if we are worthless and dispendable. We are yes, but c'mon give us some illusion.

When there's a hope for something I really want. I tend to slack off on everything else knowing that once the dream is realized all these little things that we do is pointless. Makes me feel uprooted from my comfort and I don't want to do anything else.

But no, my life is achieved with results, not hope.