UltraCrepidate

Something wonderful happened to me this weekend. I've penetrated one of the mental block that barred my way and gained complete control of my emotions. Let me explain…

What I usually do when I am pissed off or trying to pretend something else is to gain neutrality in my expressions and actions. But that is a dead giveaway of what I am thinking to experienced people. It also shows damn well in my dancing. The two co exist as they are the same problem in my personality.

This weekend, I was able to emit a complete different emotion from what I actually feel instead of the neutrality that is so familiar to me. This is like Neo seeing the world in code for the first time.

Maximumu duration for consecutive dancing: 20 minutes.

Endured fighting for 3 hours per day. Wow!

Max consecutive sleep record for this month. 5 hours.

Average sleep hours per day: 4 hours.

Amount of calls handled per week. 173

Amount of Problem tickets worked on: 346

Work purchased a new computer so I can reach 200 calls per week record. There's no lag and the response of everything is short and sweet. It eased alot of tension that was built up and made work really easy.

Boss's demand, show request, pressure of competition, travelling, training, fighting bickering, sleepless nights, screwed up schedules, organizing events, making things happen, travel, travel and more travel.

I think what finally brought me down is the combination of sleeping at other people's places and stress.
I have never been sick for this long, usually it only takes a week to recover but this flu has been going on for 10 days now. Complete with sore throat, sinus, fever, delusion and drowsiness.

“Don't be like that, don't put everything into it and get pissed when it doesn't work. If it works it works, if it doesn't it won't affect you. Life is happier that way.”

“How can I achieve something, if I just let everything be at its proper place and take it as it comes?”

…..

I keep thinking about this exchange with my roomate and I keep thinking about the two sides that was discussed. I need to look at a successful person and ask them, how is success achieved?

This education director of GSK phoned tech support for some coding advice, expecting to get a “we don't support” reply.

She's quite surprised when I complimented her competency and even more surprised that I gave her the solution an hour later.

“You should not be at this position”

“A job is hard to find”

Lost in the rollercoaster ride…

I have to refocus.

Where do I want to go?

What's my life's plan?

Still dancing and engineering. I cannot achieve both.

Realign to focus on career.

Step by step,

Get into the field first.

Start from the worst condition.

Tough it out for a few years.

With experience and prestige I can then ask for more.

Step 1: Send resumes, build connections.

Dancing is a hobby, I can do it anywhere.

Focus, believe DO IT!

2 hours and some trial and error later.
Apache server is now running on my windows OS and executing php request just like the one running on Linux somehwere in California where my website is residing.

I keep wondering myself, is this possible? Is it possible to do this? All these work that my managers asked me to do?

Then I asked around about the workload of others and found out that my performance is two times as much as everyone else's…
Do they not see that? Or are they only worried about their own ass?
The expert on my team asked me how I go about finding out what to do with a certain ticket. I explained my train of thought and he said “No, it's too technical”…
Then he goes about showing me how to route the ticket…
I feel like a very expensive telephone operator.

People call in on issues that I shouldn't be resolving, but it's such a simple thing that I just tell them the answer right away. Programming, debugging, html, image manipulations. I want their job, and I know I can do better than them because I am troubleshooting their bugs.

So far, I've climbed to #9 on the corporate ladder(#1 within my team) as ticket resolution wise with a 50% resolving rate. However, I am the only one in my team to be close to the top 20 since my team deal with all kind of shit. It's not like the password team where each password they reset is one ticket resolved. Buisness app, RD app and web means we take care of everything else.

So why are my managers still talking to me like I am some high school kid that need lectures? I would make less mistakes if you actually give me the normal workload like everyone else.

“I don't know if my view on life can help you guys… I've never been with anyone for 30 years… what are you going to do to celebrate?”

“All hell break loose”

“???”

“All hell break loose”

“So how are you guys going to live after”

“Don't know yet, I will try to setup some online shop”

“And you mom?”

“I don't know”

“Does bro know about this?”

“Not yet”

I thought I handled it pretty well, but as soon as I sat down on the bus heading back to my apartment I can feel the tears swelling up behind my eyes… Throat hurting from holding back the sobs.

What's been part of my unchanging reality for the past 25 years has been shattered. All the truth, all the dirt surfaced as each account their version of story to me when they found a chance for me to be alone with them. My life no longer hold any meaning of right or wrong, it's just a big blurr of confusing events.

I worry because they need my support yet I am as unexperienced in these type of things as they are and I have just as much need of their support than they do me. How can I help them?

Till now, it still seems like a dream. I am still in denial and I'd like it to stay that way. Yet these images, these conversations, jerk on my heart string every once in a while and the more I force myself not to think about it, the more sorrow I experience with the fruitility of the attempt.