UltraCrepidate

I think I am going to go swing dancing this Friay.
Now I just have to figure out what fun thing to do from 4 pm to 8 pm.
I feel so shy because I haven't dance for so long.

Awesome show. They changed it so that it's alot like Taiwan's Stone Door grup .

My dance partner used to accuse me of bad memory,reinforcing it everytime I made a small mistake and bringing doubt with the same excuse whenever I am not 100% sure about one thing (basically whenever I don't have it written down). It started working on me and I started having doubts about my own ability.

Because of this, I always triple check something I remember before getting back to someone and write down all transactions/agreements I have with people. It is a good practice but the negative reinforcement that created this habit was a confidence shattering one.

Even though I do not believe her, the constant reminder did have an effect on me. It brought doubt at first and slowly worked its way down. Its root grow because I am supposed to trust my partner. Trusting that she wants to win as much as I do and everything she does is towards that goal. (Quote by Danny Quilliam).

I later found out she's been lying about a few things. The lies are done to basically reinforce the negative trait she's trying to force upon me. To win the argument mostly by using the “your memory sucks” line. (Part of the reason why I decided to dump her as well)

Lately, several incidents happened where I have to recall on my memory and I was confirmed of my accurate memory on all occassions and I grew more and more sure that the breakup was the right thing to do.

Our team received #1 place for the months.
Heading the team with an award for excellence in the team with the best stats in everything is me, Peter Su, ranked #3 in the whole company. It's bittersweet as I don't really care about the awarded certificate, but it is the only confirmation of any good job I've ever received.

The $25 dollar futureshop certificate might prove useful.

I decided to go on a public media denial before I saw this movie. I don't want to hear anything about it. This movie is to satisfy my need for “black hair, pale skin cool girl who can change clip with the coolest style and shoot two guns at once” craving.

I've always enjoyed fighters with skills (Celene) instead of pure power (Michael) and watching Celene satisfied my need for such a character beating the crap out of others.

My friends said a few bad thing about the plot of the movie, which I agree whole heartedly but they never crossed my mind. I wanted to watch this movie because of the “Anita Blake” books I read… and to satisfy my craving for black hair pale skin … did I already say that?

Later I read the critics and ratings by supposed movie experts and it was pretty bad. Alot of trashing and none of the praise. None of the goods that I see in the movie was mentioned. No, they are not

It's so true how one's experience changes everything. Understanding that, I am more acceptable of myself when I can't bring myself to like something.

I don’t like going home anymore. All these fighting, all these thoughts that I don’t want to think about. I feel like I can’t trust them fully anymore. Feel like my dad is abandoning this familly and treating me as an outsider.

We had a fight about money… we never fought about money before.

So out of boredom, modded a sim to make it look good

artistically modified to put on some other page

Original

I will post my dream house up soon. It's structures are done, I just need to furnish it.

Is getting increasingly difficult, even with lesser workload in the daytime shift, they are pushing for a 85% resolution rate while increasing the amount of programs that we support.

Half of the calls I get now start with “I have never heard of this, but let me take a look” and end with “Well that seem to solve the problem. Have a good day”

Well… waiting for the new

20 inch dell monitor to arrive so I can edit this picutre below. It's going to be so sweet. Did about 4 hours of research and 3 days of indecision. Having to compare prices with ebay and other monitors. It is the best choice with the 20% special it has right now. Also hard to decide was the choice between 20″ and 24″. It comes down to the cost per square inch I get out of it.

Seems like the scanner that was used by the person helping me scan this has some problems. I am going to have to buy a scanner myself probablly. Well gotta go to work. here it is

On one of our trips driving somewhere for some competition, I stopped for coffee and timbits. She complained that she needs to get back to study. I ignored her…

After I get back with timbits she threw a tantrum because I didn’t buy any chocolate for her to steal and the ones I bought are disgusting. That’s when I know for sure that I cannot dance with her anymore. No one can tell me that my choice of timbits is disgusting. NO ONE.

I pondered about the question for our existence while on the way to somewhere. It's always loved the calm bus ride with its steady engine hum that gives me inspiration. It's particular impression of being moved from a place to another while not making any effort myself is especially simulating to some part of my brain.

So what if we are created to answer the question itself. What must it be like to know everything, including your death and birth. To know all and be so bored. Maybe we are god's entertainment and reason to exist.

To know how people lived outside dancing.
I am glad to know that none of them is living by themselves. All of them are still living with their parents. It makes more sense now and confirmed that I am just too crazy to try dancing and handling life by myself together.

Even my coach, whom I admired is still with his parents. It confirmed with my suspicions before. I spread myself too thin.

I downloaded the sims 2 for fun and simulated my life. Tried to manage the time and all the activities I do. What I realized was that my sim's comfort and aspiration level was so low that they complain all the time. That made me think. Have I been complaining all the time about my life? Maybe I am too harsh on what I am doing.

So I tried simulating living life in few other ways and finally found the balance. This game taught me alot. I was really interested in the parts where it's similar with real life. To build up the mood by achieving small aspirations in order to be in the right mood to focus on the big ones. That's what I haven't been doing so far. I've aimed for the higher ones all the time that I am not functioning at my prime.

So to humour myself. I started managing my life as I would with sims 2. Here is a list of my aspirations.

Small Aspirations:
Buy a vice plank clamp
Meet someone new
Eat the classic bacon and egg breakfast
Drink coffee and timbits
Eat Sushi
Clean Room
Send Resumes

Medium Aspirations:
Make a website
Find people who can inspire me
Organise all digital data and backups
Find a job in the engineering field
Finish building the model boat
Buy a 24″ monitor
Improve a charisma skill
Improve a logic skill
Improve a body skill
Finish reading the codebook: http://codebook.jot.com/Book

Big Aspirations:
Getting into Open in dance
Earn $35000 per year
Working as an ASIC designer
Move to a better apartment
Woohoo
Get Promoted
Buy a car

Character Stats:
Sloppy –> Neat: 3
Shy –> Outgoing: 2
Inactive –> Active: 9
Serious–> Playful: 2
Grumpy –> Nice: 7

Interests:
Environment: 1
Food: 9
Weather: 8
Culture: 5
Money: 1
Politics: 1
Paranormal: 7
Health: 6
Fashion: 3
Travel: 8
Crime: 4
Sports: 9
Entertainment: 3
Animals: 8
Work: 8
School: 2
Toys: 3
Science Fiction: 7

Skills
Cooking: 5
Mechanical: 1
Charisma: 0
Body: 7
Logic: 6
Creativity: 3
Cleaning 1

I wasn’t sure whether or not to write this later when I can better reflect logically my thoughts and compose sentences that make sense or to do it now while the emotion flows through me freely. After a short discussion with her, we’ve officially split the partnership.

The music I am listening for this moment is System of a down. Thanks to Micci for this, at least not the stupid evanescence songs I listen to last time that just make me sink even more. It’s so loud that I feel bad for the people living beneath me. But so what fuck them. It’s 4 pm so they can take my middle finger.

For all my independent life, I’ve danced. I’ve always struggled for money and living on a fine edge of poeverty. Living pay check by pay check to pay for the tailsuit the 60$ dance lesson per week and expensive shoes. For half of that, I spent it with her.

We sat down at Timmies and talked about it. It’s a nice discussion we talked about our future and our problems. I realized that this is probablly what we are missing. Social time out where we can learn about each other, instead of the stressful practices that have to be dealt with. But it’s all too late now, too much bitterness created from things that’s been done. I cannot forgive her for those, even though I try to, because the damage has already been done. It’s not like I didn’t try to get these time outs together to improve the relationship, but after being refused 3 times I get the point.

Maybe she eventually realized that she’s going to lose alot. I heard alot of positive things from my teachers and I guess she just realized what she’s going to be missing from what they told her, but then again, I am going over my head. Anyway, I’ve always felt the need to be superior to others by dancing and that’s probablly the main reason I danced. That and the fact that dancing removes the language barrier so i can fully express myself. But I no longer need to feel superior.

I also can’t take her attitude anymore… This has been an interesting beginning of a year. It definitely started out with a bang when I learnt that my dad had a mistress and she tried to suicide by taking too much sleeping pills in order to get my dad to divorce my mom. Then this and what else? I think I can say that my life is in tatters with everyone close to me suddenly gone. Now I do feel sad. I think I’ll lie down and drench myself in this sadness for a while.

Here’s a picture of a glorious time.

So I received the results of the test for the Government job. I failed by 1 test and surprisingly that is the french writing test.

Aced the logic test with perfect mark and got B in my French Oral test (Big woo hoo on that accomplishment) and received a C in the Grammar test. (Not surprised since I haven't studied french for 6 years). So I've been keeping busy studying french grammar now. My french during the test was sub par and I was still able to score a B. It raised my confidence alot. I think the memories of people making fun of my french back in High school is more damaging than I thought.

Things I've started doing included playing thorugh a bunch of computer games in french (It sounds so much more powerful to hear a computer voice say “Foudre” instead of “Thunder” in black and white), installing a french dictionary on my palm pilot, calls all businesses in french. I think I am going to have to practice writing my journal in french now.

How fast you can recovery from dissapointments and one's ability to become “battle ready” from great stress. So often, I feel the strength of righteousness flow in my veins and wanted things to happen exactly as i wanted. But who am I to demand that? As a memeber in the lower echelon of society, I do not have the power and money to threaten people to do what I want nor can I spare anything that is of any value to anyone to fufill their desperate needs.

All I can do is make them see my point and put them in my shoes. All the while understanding the simplest principle. Who am I to demand that priviledge.

Sometimes I expect people to do what I am able to do, but I have to remember that what I am capable of is my specialty and not demand so much of others. It is what makes me valuable, but I keep wondering what domain I can apply it to. It is only after hearing all the stories and seeing how slowly people learn that I understood it's something that I am stronger at than others. I can adapt to a new position/environment faster than anyone can, at about 1/3 of the usual time needed.

Work asked me to stay at overnight shift for 2 more weeks as the new comers are taking 3 weeks of training now instead of the 3 day training I got. Still I agree with them. It was too stressful.

Went out.
Got drunk.
Started dancing in a club.
Got grils grinding against me left and right.
Oh oh…
Then went to a strip club…
With a girl…