UltraCrepidate

Some weird thoughts came out of the feverish sleep. Mainly me in different inverse situations. What ifs that'd never happen. My response to them was real since I was too drowsy to distinguish dream from truth. It brought some shocking revelation to the nature of my persona.

Amongst all the weird ones only a question made sense. “If god is all loving, why did he comdemned Satan?”

Sick
and everything just happens to go wrong today.

Reviewed some of the automatic turn ons. They just keep on accumulating.

Sleeveless Turtle neck
Straight black shiny hair with pale skin
Girls with baseball hats
quiet speech
girls who don’t smile
Cleavage
Muscular toned back
Abs
Muscular calves
blood red
High heels with the right posture and gait

He did a good job and I think I like this one the most:
Chinese Mafia

Who the fuck are you

What should I do with you little brat

Finally a weekend with no schedule! Horseback riding cancelled!!! After tomorrow's Cabane a sucre, I won't have to go to any other social function.

So I can tidy up my room, do my 2 weeks laundry. Look up all the things I've jogged down in my notebook. Cook and finish my website.

Then again, maybe I need to prepare for that camping trip in 2 weeks.. Ugh.

Weekend in Ottawa catching up with Jeff. This time I didn't learn much from the trip nor did I feel the change in the spirit of the city as intensely.

It felt like I can't have any deep thoughts anymore. Anything I think about eventually leads to the same question:”What do I choose to accept?” The world is a big stereotype of what should happen with bunch of exceptions to the rule that “might” be true. On average, you will get the truth that most people accept to be true, but for a few special occasions, you can get the truth you want to happen too.

What do you think of abortion? Gay marriage? God? Why do I even have to think about these questions? Why do I even have to say:”I don't know” and endure that look of disdain from these sold called people into spirituality? The simple fact of the matter is, finding an answer to these questions doesn't change much and why bother answering the question when you can change it the next second?

Got something done this weekend at least while over there. I now have some professional quality picture thanks to his thousand dollar equipments that he has. The photoshoot was a bit weird but at least I can see how I look like in the hands of a professional cameraman/graphic editor. Picture next time.

It's always sad to see one with big boobs. I mean, not that it isn't attractive and sexy, it's just that not many woman can handle the weight and still keep a good posture. One look at the backbone and you can usually see that the person is slouching. I wonder if people notice because if I wasn't a posture freak, I'd just stare at the two mounds of pleasure all the time.

I've only known one person who is able to keep the good posture with such a weight on her. (It's bigger than my head). Then again, she's a fit lioness who works out and runs everymorning. For those of you wondering, yes, I couldn't stop my eyes from wandering to her cleavage.

I used to slouch too, but corrected it through 7 years of dance training. Because of that, I understand how hard it is to do. It involves the back and the small muscles connecting the vetebraes. It was hard enough finding out how to contract those muscles, let alone trying to lift two jugs of milk!!!

There's a saying in basketball that white man can't jump. There's also a saying in dancing that big breasted woman can't dance. I salute you.

There's a lack of asian movie star role models in the american society. When you talk about style, you'll hear latino, high class white society, black rapper etc. You'll never hear a “Kung Fu” asian style. That's because it isn't cool. Let's face it, a ki is hardly a stylish shirt to wear when you walk around the street.

Also the chinese language has been stereotyped into a funny and very stupid accent. No, nothing about asian is ever associated with sexuality and dominance. Granted there's no way to change chinglish's instant turn off to anyone, but for those of us who've been in a western culture long enough, I think we can start by lower the tone and making the sound resonate more. Mr. Sulu in Startrek is a good example. And Zhan Ze Yi for woman.

Keanau Reeve is another good example to follow. Half white half asian, he speaks perfect english but the voice is influenced by his asian genes. A way to make chinese language cool is to lower the tone and mute the end of each sound. Also, making a conscious effort to reduce the sound produced from the nose will help.

Cloth wise, I am trying out merging business and casual clubbing look together. I've always liked the rugged look in “Infernal affaire”, but that requires long hair. Even in that movie, it wasn't a style I liked right away.

It's hard for asian to find a rugged look as we don't have the moustache covering our whole face and we look younger all the time. The best bet I think is to explore the trimmed look first.

Now back to more pressing matters: Boobs
Roomate just bought a push up bra with water in it. uhhh the resulting cleavage is quite devastating and I can sense my reptilian brain at hyper drive when I saw that. So she agreed to wear that to work and see how many guys will hit on her compared to now. Mmmm speaking of big breasts I shall go into more detail on that…

An endless repetition of demands. The only difference is the intensity and frequency of the demands being made…

Give me money?
Give me this?
Give me that?
Let me go there?
Do you accept this?
You want dick?

No dad, I didn't suddenly become clever. Nor am I stronger all of a sudden. You are just old and senile.

Of course that's a silent reply in my mind. I wondered if he can see it from my impatience, the way I want to cut him off but hold back what I am about to say out of politeness. I started doubting his behaviors now, started seeing the wrong in the way he does things, yet I don't want to pity him. No, that'd be pitiful in itself. At the same time, I am ashamed I am feeling this way. Why can't I be holy and all accepting? Why am I impatient? Shouldn't I be giving with love? Why can't I bear to see them so weak? Why do I want to run away from this but my mind is registering every second with crystal clarity?

Of course I am impatient and unhappy when I learnt that they still have to move: a stove, a fridge, a dryer and a washer. The helpless look on their faces; my aggravated acceptance of what needs to be done. After 9 hours of pure studying I just want to go out and run, not moving heavy electrical appliances that should've been sold.

Rolled up my sleeve and pretended to be supermen for a few hours. Now I am really behind on doing my taxes and it's already 10 pm. Good night Montreal.

Turns out that Dad’s been paying for his Mistress’s son’s education. He’s trying to get a Master’s degree and Dad’s shelling out $1000 per month for it for 4 years. Quite a big investment if you ask me.

Why not give those money to me so I can redecorate my apartment and buy REALLY expensive cloth and … oh. Dance.

Alex actually helped me understand his situation by taking his side of the debate. It’s true it is his money and he probablly value education above everything else. What I keep forgetting is that we are now 2 seperate entity that has no obligation towards each other. His values are different than mine and he can no longer change. I on the other hand, still have room to learn and understand. To accept people for the way they are.

Now I just have to kick the other “son”’s ass so bad that he’d feel like wasting money investing in him

Which brings up another good point. It’s a waste of time if I pursue that goal as I am established in my own life and that need to be better than him will lead me to a chase at an empty goal.

Contrary to what I predicted, this movie did not make my blood boil and want to rush back to the world of competitive dancing. Because I have lived the life, I understand that the happy ending of the hollywood movie is not what'll happen. A beginner couple of 6 months cannot beat a couple who've danced for 10 years. Even if you practice every waking second of your day, muscle memory does not work like that. If what they presented is true, then the conceprt of reward/effort should be re-evaluated.

Getting that out of the way. A lot of the stories ringed true in me. Especially when the rich girl asked Pierre if she should dance or not and he replied “Do you like dancing? Yes, then you should.” Part ego boost, part marketing ploy. I think it is the best answer I've heard so far. It is also true, even if you don't believe the student can make it to the top. A good way to avoid saying:” You can't get anywhere”

No, dancing is not for everyone and it has a lot of lessons to teach us.

My dance teacher Danny Quilliam is like Pierre in the movie. Opens the door for ladies like a gentleman would.

Pierre:”That is very gracious of you”
Morgan:” I am a pro”
Do you understand this exchange at the end?

The mundane of life hasn't settled in yet. Things I am seeing, things that I am experiencing are new to me. Knowing myself, knowing the nature of “job”. I will get bored one day and I will get back to dancing in the future.

It's just a matter of when. Knowing that fact makes my blood boil and I can't contain myself anymore. My life still isn't stable enough to support the financial and time demands of a competitive life. This time I am not going to rough it through, I am going to do it smart and make everything as favorable for me as possible. Afterall, it is a world if appeareances, money and egos. Curse my roomates for playing my competitive songs, I knew I shouldn't have lent it to them.

Maybe I'll just go watch Take the lead to quelch my thirst.

When I was small, I used to get the shit beaten out of me whenever I did something wrong. Whether it'd be talking in class or not getting 100% on a test.

16 years later, I still cringe for that punishment whenever I do something I believe to be wrong. My heart rate increases, my pupils dilate and my brain taken over by fear. Slowly, I am easing myself out of that behavioral conditioning hopefully enough so that my brain won't temporarilly freeze on the smallest of things.

Bruises scratches, cuts, new passport and a new “used” car later. I collapsed on the familar sofa that has been with the familly for 16 years, enjoying my one last sip of coffee surrounded by the familliar faces of this once full house. Without the furnitures it feels empty and devoid of life. Without the people it just feels dead.

Somehow everything seems to conclude this weekend as if readying itself for the new life ahead. Passport, driver’s license, car, houses. All changed ownership and addresses. I feel like my identity is changing. Gone are the rustic life of a traditional chinese familly. In its place, a modern story of hearbreaks and joys. “Scared?” I challenged myself as I spiralled into the fuzziness of sleep. Only the knowledge that every farewell brings new possibilty kept my heart anchored. Today is a day of rememberance, I will shed tears for it later.

Bye Mom, bye Dad.

It was snowing this morning. I said meh to myself and put on an extra layer of cloth.
Went to my bike and it has snow and ice on it. I said meh again and started cleaning the chain and the seat. As long as the road is not wet, the biking experience will be awesome. The chill wind to my face will make it both hot and cool while riding through the city.

In my mind, the word “cum” suddenly flashs past as I try to think up what to do with today's word of the day. It actually means “combined with”… I think I'll skip it.

Put in the key and realized it wouldn't turn because of water in it freezing the lock.
“Oh well gotta waste 2 bus tickets today… but WAIT!!! I Can afford this now.”

Life is feeling so good.

We arrived at the hostel around 12 AM after dropping off the people hitching the ride with us in Downtown Toronto. I was tired and exhausted after a long 6 hours drive into unknown territory. Arrived safely, not bad for a first timer driver in Toronto.

The hostel that we were supposed to stay for the night was in a “very shady area with very shady people” as she had said in an accusing tone. I shrugged it off like I did to all of her accusations that night. What I didn’t understand was why she was complaining when we’d agreed to do this. Hostel = cheap = bad area of town.

I asked her to help me find a parking spot, instead she decided to go into the room immediately and left me out alone trying to grapple with where to leave this very expensive rented car that wasn’t insured. It was a bad decision in an attempt to save money… I am used to being accused of making her life miserable every step of the way by now and a calm resolve had set in to my mind.

The morning after our competition, we went out to a coffee shop together to get some food and my much needed coffee. I wanted to have idle chat over coffee, but instead, she took out a book and started reading it. I understood that meaning, I understood when years ago, I took out a book on the way back from the metro to read and she snapped at me saying its rude to do that. The irony of it all amused me.

No, I have no regrets.