UltraCrepidate

Temporarily losing the facilities of my right hand can be quite frustrating for the days to day life if I didn’t train and prepare for just such an uncomfortable event. Now I am very happy that I took some time to learn useless skills like single handed left hand typing and left handed chopstick techniques. A great afternoon bowling with great company is totally worth having my right hand incapacitated for a while.

The plus side is I finally discovered a sport that can increase the girth of my wrist. Why would I want to increase the girth of my wrist? I have no idea, it’s the same question I asked when I tried to learn how to use chopsticks with my left hand. Totally useless, but eventually I will find some application for it.

One of those day to day idiocy that I enjoy so much.

Before one can travel the 8 fold path towards Nirvana, one must first accept the 4 noble truths. The first of which, the Dukkha, dictates that we are here to suffer. Try as I may, I could not bring myself to accept this fact when there are so much joy to indulge oneself with in life.

Later, I read a story written to help people understand the concept of heaven and hell. What baffled me about this one is the fact that it is a Christian religious view that fits perfectly with the way I see the world. It is not hard to gather from this statement that I’ve clashed against people with Christian beliefs several times in the past who had a different understandings. Heaven and Hell is a state of mind.

Incidently, “The Alchemist” chained all these together for my further understanding of why it is so. “This is a copy of the perfect world that is to embrace us.” Why a copy? Why not just put us there right away? The Buddha in my mind replied:”We cannot understand perfection, until we’ve experienced imperfection, just as there are no good without evil.”

My second revelation is in the understanding of freedom. While enjoying the material freedom by letting go of all possessions, I always get this feeling that there is something more to it. That the happiness achieved through this act is simply too easy. I wondered often if I only feel free because I wanted to feel free. There is always a second level of meaning that I cannot quite grasp yet because I know that a simple answer to a need always has another deeper teaching.

I found this deeper teaching while reading Warren Buffet’s struggle with the Institutional Imperative; the biggest difficulty in his life that he had to overcome. He suffered from his success at the young age of 26 by being the first to use value investing and by being the best investor in the market… Until everyone caught on to the same technique. He was locked into a trap created by his own success. If you’ve read Dune series, you’ll find some similarities here with Muadib’s Legacy.

Distinctively, I came to realize that there are 3 states to anything I do. A beginning, the journey and the end. Like all the trilogies you see in the movie market now, life works best in 3s. Bruce Lee’s famous quote:“I know no moves, I know moves, I know no moves.” Further echoed this belief. It makes me wonder, is there a 4th that I am disregarding because of this belief? What happens after the end? What happens after the mastery of the act which leads to integration of your being?

My mind seems unable to process this possibility right now.

One day in my childhood, I decided to go “walk” my bicycle. I thought it was fun and got all my friends in the neighboorhood to join me. Others saw it and asked us what we were doing, I told them exactly what they see. This is a gang of walking bikers. They saw it as fun and joined us in the crusade and soon, there’s a mob of us walking around aimlessly. Magically, no one said a word or left out of boredom. We just walked until sunset when our stomacs protested.

Tears slid down my cheek as I bring myself back from the trip down memory lane. I’ve found the answer to a question: The group. I asked my heart if it is true and it responded by filling my eyes with more salty water. I give water for a dream long lost.

For several days, I rushed home to lounge on my bed as if nothing else mattered. My room is a mess and the apartment has generally deteriorated to a dump from the lack of my care. It only lasted a week against my two roomates, but that’s only a minor inconvenience compared to the dream I’ve forgotten.

One day while pondering why I didn’t feel as lost when I was a child, I realized that it was because I knew where I was going and what was important. That’s all good and dandy, except I can’t remember what that goal was that made me so confident and carefree. It was hard to extract, because I never formed the idea into a word, rather, it was in the way I am and the things I want.

Finding this answer suddenly put meanings to everything I’ve lived through. Life is so interesting and I want to improve myself in everything I do. Even my dream of making one million dollar is dwarfed and flourished under its shadow. At least it makes sense now.

I work best when cornered. It allows me to ignore all social obligations as well as self imposed inhibitions. I’ve known this fact about myself and have actively sabotaged my life in order to gain the edge I needed. It partly explains why I’d just pick up and move to another country or quit a job with no clear headings for the next one.

Constantly changing circles gives me a false sense of belief that I am at my best during changes. It is instilled in me because people are kinder and nicer to someone they just met and you don’t have to deal with the compounded problems that exists in a long term relationship. Granted you are more open and the new experience adds to the overall character. But in the end, it doesn’t help you create. It only help you adapt.

Doing something new is relatively a pleasant experience, if you find the experience makes you more alive. As a new person in a new field, you are given slack to whatever you did wrong. Not so with a pro in certain field, where each mistake is put under a magnifying glass.

I’d like to be that guy who can tell a buisness partner to fuck off in a board meeting while not risk being fired forever.

So there’s this thing that’s been bothering you for a while. It grows at the back of your mind, whispers to you in your sleep, slaps you while you meet with important clients until finally, you realize that this will become one of your regrets later in life if you don’t at least make an attempt.

You practice the confrontation in your mind, playout the different outcomes that can result and different beginnings depending on different situations. You practice saying what you want to say and getting your thoughts out so you don’t stutter and embarrass yourself. You practice the tone of your voice, the manner at which you compose yourself to convey the best interest in reaching a resolution. You tell yourself that you are ready.

The day comes, you leave early and take the long way to get there so you can prepare the state of your mind and increase your confidence. You’ve made your choices to confront it and tomorrow’s breakfast will either taste like mud or the most wonderful meal you’ve ever tasted. Whatever the outcome, you are ready to face it, anything is better. You have things to lose, but they don’t matter at this point.

Maybe it’s the desperation in your eyes, maybe it’s the sense of resolve in your gait. People notices you. A guard starts a random chat with you as you both head towards the exit of the mall. After a polite short exchange, you bid good bye to the guard and continued on mingling in the monotonous crowd. Suddenly, the girl in front of you turns her head and stares directly into your eyes. You stare back, not seeing the person, because your mind is focusing on something else ahead.

Finally, you survives the trip there, but the world whilrs as you realizes the outcome that you fear the most. The subject of your angony is not there…

FUCK

�?先生這麼說,難�?�當真�?懂茶?
�?是我�?懂,是我�?願懂. 我�?想將茶分出高低. 是茶就好.
�?�是這茶就有高低跟�?�?��?性.
什麼是高? 什麼是低? 它們本身都是生長在自然當中, 並沒有高低之分.
看來閣下真�?懂, �?�則的話自然會�?出高低的.
先生說的也�?, 所以在我看來, 茶�?的上下高低並�?是由茶來�?我們說, 到是由人來決定. �?�?�的人有�?�?�的�?�擇, 我�?願�?�這個�?�擇.
哦? 為什麼?
�?茶是一種心情, 如果你的心情�?�?, 茶的高低還有那麼�?�?�?�?
哦? 俺也�?曾想�?�. 以先生看來, 世上的武術派如此�?多, 難�?�說也沒有甚麼高低上下之分?
我想是這樣.
那麼先生, 俺也想請教你, 既然武術沒有高低之分, 為何還�?比武競技呢?
我以為世上的武術確實沒有高低之分, �?�有習武的人�?有強弱之別. 通�?�競技我們�?�以發�?�跟�?識一個真正的自己, 因為我們真正的�?手�?�能就是我們自己.
�?�有通�?�競技, �?能�?識真正的自己. 莫�?�先生的�?�?最�?�怕的競技在自己內心?

~Fearless

I didn’t enjoy beating others at anything. I’d always end up feeling bad for humiliating the person. As a consequence, I lost on purpose in head on clashes. It was asubconscious mental block that I had no control over. Yes, it seemed simple to just decide one day that I wasn’t going to be controlled by this, but the path I had to take to reach this state, twisted and turned in a frustrating dance.

I used to puzzle over this when i won dancesport competitions and spent the night mulling over why shame hadn’t taken over all my other emotions to make me screw up the routine. In simple terms, I was fine at winning against a group, but felt guilty when winning against one opponent. That explained why I dance best when up against a large competitor base while I performed the worst when there are only 2 or 3 couples. However, I still couldn’t figure out the root of it and I used it as a scapegoat for not achieving anything great.

Perhaps the few years I spent being ridiculed for my Chinçais during high school has taught me to be kind and never make another feel that way. Perhaps it was my ignorance in believing that there are no better or worse person in the world. I was never able to completely shut the feeling of shame and kindness away even though I was constantly aware of it and anticipated its arrival. Perhaps in saving others from the humiliation it soothed over my past experiences of the same.

The complete realization that it dissappeared from my character dawned on me during a quick match of UT2004 at lunch. In its stead is the raging beats of my adrenaline filled heart. This state didn’t just switch on like transistors, it lurked around the corner of my vision during the paintball match, raced through my veins in a head to head match of chess until finally, it filled me with joy when I lifted my self-imposed handicap through a left handed configuration and decided to take the crown during in a death match. What changed? I asked myself several times before arriving to the conclusion. I have stopped dreaming and started choosing.

A beer, a pool table and the night is a blessed adventure through different lives that we came in contact with. A night exploring each other’s differences and pave the way for a comforting friendship.

It’s strange to meet someone you click with this late in life. Where people already have their niche of friends well established and a “best friend” like relationship is close to impossible to build. Those are created from living through events together. Whether it’s the ingenious idea to attack beehives with hockey sticks, or catching fishes with your bare hands in the seclusion of cool mountain streams, best friends are made through experiences.

Which explains the bewilderment I am feeling. We have completely different backgrounds, completely different tastes in music and a god vs buddihism gap in religion. There is only one thing in common and through that, everything else connects together. It’s best described in what we usually say to each other as a reply: “Great, let’s do it.”

Mark lack the inhibition in place to avoid the unknown. He’d try anything for the heck of it, something I find commonly in my self directed internal dialogues. Perhaps it’s not the amount of things that we have in common which drew us together, but rather the things that we have in common that affected our character the most. I understand myself more now with this new discovery. I’ve always know that the constancy of change is a part of me, just never considered how big of a deal it is until it is echoed back to me through a reflection.

At about the second year into my education in an English school system, I was still afraid of public speaking and had no idea what the culture accepts and rejects as a norm. Back then; I took a philosophy class in which we have to convince the class that our team’s position on a topic is the right one. If you ask me why in the world I did that, I can only come up with “the ignorance of my own inability to speak proper Engrish” as the answer.

Being the competitive person that I was, I went ahead and researched arguments for the two topics assigned: animal rights and weapons development. The focus was on winning animal rights, as it’ll make us look like a winner so we don’t have to put as much of an effort in the second topic. I basically shocked the class into complete silence with my lack of sensitivty and inability to judge the audience’s preferences. I argued that “Cows don’t feel the pain, that we are just imagining their pain based on their physical reactions? How about a robotic cow that behaves the same way?â€? Even unperceptive as I was back then, I could feel that I’ve crossed the insanity line from the class’s point of view. (Or maybe it was my incomprehensible Engrish)

I sat through the next debate like a deflated balloon and listened to my teammates argue about military weapons development. I was with the belief that I’d never take a job as a weapons developer. That you can just walk away and have a free conscience.

The reality of wishful thinking and philosophy can be so far away from the gray truth. Facial recognition technology combined with object recognition and 2D-3D mapping. I wondered what the true objective of these systems are when you burn away all the NDAs and look at the core of it. Even if you have all the clearance, each project is separated into small parts and contracted out to individual civilian companies that signed more NDAs. And if you know what it is, you have to pretend that you don’t. It’s the same bullshit with judicial “on the record and off the record” crap. All in place to ease our conscious.

In the reality, a country drops a bomb on enemy soldiers, everyone in that country contributed to it. Who do you think fed your soldiers? Sure, let’s live in the ignorance that they need those weapon to blow up cows, cows don’t feel pains like we do.

If you keep on dancing, you’ll encounter this problem eventually.

“Last dance before the class ends, find a partner.” Shouted the teacher.

I stood there, innocently trying to avoid eye contacts while sneaking my way around the maze of people. There’s a person that I want to dance with and I want to get to the person before others start noticing me.

Too late, my peripheral floor sense told me that I am surrounded. Pinned to the wall by 4 ladies, all eager to dance with me. As we contemplated the next move in dead silence, we became sharply aware of the situation. There’s one of me versus the 4 of them and the music has already started. This must be a big joke because I don’t remember trying to court any of them. It’s piss raining outside and my mood wasn’t particularly upbeat during the class. Then the most unexpected thing happened, the least socially aware of them all (Inside out shirt, geeky glasses, straight untended hair in a bun, you name it), the duckling asked me straight out if I’d like a dance.

I sighed in relief at not having to choose. Brownie points for her.

The consensus on NotBean’s blog is that she’s had a very interesting life. Not only in what she’s done, but also in her relationships with people. Upon reading her description of her life, I concurred with the fact immediately and stored it for later pondering as my recalcitrant flat mate properly interrupted any interesting thought I might have thereafter.

Céramique Café is a clean and aromatic hang out where artists of all ages and types can spend their afternoon. After a quick and friendly introduction of how the system work, we each head downstairs to chose a pre-made biscuit of our liking then worked on figuring out the color combination that’s the most favorable color for the piece. To my astonishment, recalcitrant flat mate who’s never had any prior ceramic making/painting schooling chose the right earth tones to represent an ancient sauce container.

For my piece, I asked for Bleu Acier, Gris Foncé, Olive et Blanc to represent serenity and a tint of savory. After which, I proceeded with decorating the multifunction bowl/tea mug in which I painted on a letter written in Chinese: the centerpiece to show my gratitude for mom’s 18 years of amorous nagging.

Take a pause to have a brief look through the pots and plates that are due to be fired in the kiln. You can almost tell the artist’s personality from the pieces they chose and painted. Look at the way those lines curl and waver indicates a young and unsure hand from that of 8 year olds who paint and sing under the humming of their mothers. A bell embossed with sun and moon caught my attention from its inconsistence in style. The embossing was expertly crafted to machine precision, with paints dutifully plastered full on both side. The difference between the two artists is almost art itself.

While the mood is still in the air, with an eclectic tinge allowing partial revelation to possibilities, I took my camera phone out in search of capturing a moment that I can remember. It is at this moment, where the culmination of my previous question and the mood that I immersed myself in woke me from my stupor and kicked my arse so hard that I can kiss ze moon. Whilst taking shots of this moment, I did something I didn’t do before. I looked for the possibility of beauty, I looked for that moment.

Life is exciting and interesting, but without looking for it, without finding what you looked for, it’d be impossible to present it in an interesting way. I’ve bathed in the hot spring of snow clad mountain, waded in the water with wide-eye excitement through the caves of fireflies, waited impatiently to boil eggs at the sulfur filled hot stream, rowed till my muscles give up and rowed more at the dragon boat race to honor a great poet, danced in front of hundreds of people to compete for the one place on the podium. Ah fuck it, I can’t do this.

Jeff mentioned that he’s seen others who turn into this way and doesn’t know why. I’d like to find out too. I only have one conclusion for now: I am an adrenaline junkie.