UltraCrepidate

Each year our department plans an outing to sugar shack. And each year, the tray carried by the nice waitresses contains a first class ticket to heart attack. With its plentiful offerings of saturated fat combined with maple syrup based goodies no one will be able to escape.
The turn up is a healthy mix of new faces, been there done that old timers, family and people who are their to enjoy good friends. So much opportunity for a dynamic range of conversations.

Although still uncomfortable, I am sure that years from now, I’ll savor these small talks with my manager. Analyzing whether or not I can understanding what he’s feeling, when the interest of my subordinates are completely out of whack with that which I consider normal. When that anything I said will be politely replied with a small nod.

On the flip side, I get to have fun with my new co-workers. Sending a wide spectrum of different topics and different probes, from giving cold shoulder to out of whack questions. Sadly, the most interesting person always shows up near the end. I guess like me, she’s been working the table so to speak. Danny is the wife of one of our regional sales managers. Despite having given birth to a young boy, she still looked young and athletic, but that’s not the most interesting part about her.

She’s able to hold a long conversation with a wide range of topics. I was especially impressed with her detailed knowledge in them. Showing that she’s not just a good talker, but she actually participates in life.

I think, this is what I want to find.

I came full circle to the missing ingredient. I must not think of an object or event as a separate parallel entity that moves beyond my control, but to see and accept the fact that everything’s being start with human interpreting the object and event. I’ve tried too hard at ascending the understanding of life, seeking a higher order, a higher level incomprehensible by human that I took it out of the search all together. If I write a story, human are going to read it. If I create an art piece, human are going to admire it. If I experienced an extraordinary event, I will share it with human.

This knowledge enabled me to see what I am doing. I was tackling art the same way as I would tackle an engineering problem. Inclusion of all information. Details to the thinnest hair. What I was missing was the art of missing. The fact that human are not machines. The absence of an object plays an equal importance to the presence of another.

What followed after is the deletion of numerous unfinished posts, erasing of parts of my drawings and “missing” the complete picture in my photographs. It feels good to be incomplete. Even better to feel good about it.

I watched anxiously as the $12000 check slides into the deposit slot. Waited, gave a sigh and walked out of the bank. I’ve done everything I could to make sure the transaction goes smoothly as planned including that final examination on how many zeros there are in twelve thousand dollars. This is the largest sum of check I’ve ever written in my life.

The plan. To do a balance transfer using introductory rate of 1.9% and deposit it into a money market fund that guarantees a 4.25% return for a period of 6 months. I gain whatever differences in between. Which roughly finalizes into 1% of the total sum. So $120. If I screw up anywhere during the process, a 20% interest fee will apply and I stand to be charged $1200.

Sounds like too much risk and work? Not for me, it’s all for the benefit of education. With each small maneuver, I grow more confident in my abilities to assess the situation and make the right decision. Same thing with this experiment. I stumbled at the beginning and wasted several hours of phone calls plus email exchanges just to get all the facts right.

Later, I found out that this maneuver is called credit arbitrage and that our neighbor down south has it even easier. Several companies offer 0% intro rate for a 12 month period. How I wish to be in the states right now, there are so much more financial opportunities for a young aggressive person like me.

I will write again on the details of the execution once the deal is done and finished.

“A man who is seeking for realization is not only going round searching for his spectacles without realizing that they are on his nose all the time, but also were he not actually looking through them he would not be able to see what he is looking for!” ~Wei Wu Wei

First, the quote exists. A statement resonating with truth and a feeling of elation from the meaning was achieved. Nothing has changed.

Second, comes the practice where imitation and application of the idea’s logic are forced into daily life. Attempted imitation lead to a general sense of success in the understanding. Actions are in tune with the idea.

Last, the state of mind changes and it just is. Physical enforcement and tuning of the behavior is no longer required. It evolves and changes with the person.

This is my first enlightenment.

I finally received my camera, sniped off of ebay for $150 US. I will treasure it and take care of it as its previous owner has obviously done. In return, it’ll baby walk me through the first few steps on the path to mastery with photography.
With the P850 in hand, taking picture has changed its meaning. I stand out from the random crowd as I crouch into position before pulling the trigger. Interaction between strangers increased and intensifies as people inquire about the objective, the weather and whatever they fancy talking about with someone handling a camera. Some of them got angry at me, but most are just curious as to what I am doing.

“Rien, je m’entraîne à prendre des photos.” Une simple vérité.

I wanted to come back with a bang. With some profound revelation about life and its intricacies. Instead, I present myself humbly before you with nothing, because I have gained nothing but ideas.

It always irked me that I can’t feel as purposeful as when I was dancing competitively. Although my overall life is better now compared to back then, they seemed pointless. I am rapped in a state of constant yearning for something more colorful or anything that can make my heart beat faster.

I knew that it wasn’t right for me. To be chasing after the dreams of others and the goals that others defined for themselves. That is when It occurred to me that I wasn’t living consciously with my choices and my efforts are spread evenly between both the important and mundane.

Salvation came in the form of pen & paper producing answers at an excruciatingly slow pace that seem to last forever. Each word ladened themselves with responsibility to be etched onto paper like carvings on marble. I felt weights lifting off my shoulders. Clouds that originally blocked my vision began clearing themselves. A transformation within remolded me as I trace each lines of each letter in ink. They told me that this is the piece that I’ve been missing.

And this is how the story came to be. Of a man finding himself in dreaming of the future. Feeling overwhelmed by terrible purpose, knowing that the dream of who he is going to be is greater than himself. Yet he must follow it or perish following it.

The story starts with: “A man sat down one day and made decisions of who he wants to be.”

I can’t really sit down and write because I am at work, so I’ll just attach this email I wrote to a colleague to explain this situation. It’s an attempt at dramatizing and making mundane life fun to read. Notice my continuous struggle with verb tenses of the English language.
I was really looking forward to watching 300 and being able to discuss it with you guys later. That was the predominant thought on my mind when I left work Friday afternoon. Promptly forgetting that my cell phone is still sitting in the charger on my desk at work.

No problem right? I can just call you up and figure out when to meet anyway. Not knowing that the phone was cut off a week ago, because the Internet had been working. Since I know you guys are having a blast at Cat’s, I stuck with the original plan to call you on Saturday morning and left the matter at ease. I wanted to concentrate on playing with the new DSLR camera I sniped off of ebay.

The following morning, to my surprise, I found out that the phone isn’t working, no problem, I’ll just call you from a pay phone right? So I wrote you that email and proceeded to look up my contact list from gmail and I cannot believe that this isn’t some kind of joke that the omnipotent is playing with me.

I am no longer jacked in to the net. At first, I couldn’t believe the most obvious answer because if that’s the case, then it is the second time and it means that this is no longer just a case of abasent-mindness. My mood sank with each negative result returned by my troubleshooting, repeated till I couldn’t stand it anymore. I went to the Red Head and asked the million dollar question.

“Did you pay Bell?”
“No”
“For how many months?”
“Three”
“Again?”
“Again”

Dear readers,

Due to unforeseeable circumstances… Let me rephrase, due to the redhead, my phone line and Internet connection has been cut. I am living the life of a caveman now and enjoying every moment of it.

Until my digital uplink is restored. I’ll see you later

Dear readers,

I am taking an extended leave of absence. I am evolving and I am excited about the change that’s happening.

In the mean time, I suggest reading some short stories I’ve written over at http://causalien.nutang.com