Before that point was reached, I’d spend every second of my free time working on something. Edit some photographs, write some code, read up on new technology and just generally gain more knowledge. I did not want to become a couch potato, or someone who just mindlessly take whatever the pundits on some media decides to shove down my spinal cord.

My mental resolve broke

I simply couldn’t go on anymore. It was a moment in my life where I just thought: “Why so serious?”. So instead of the usual “what should I improve on next?” the question I ask myself became: “Which vice do I want to indulge in today?”

I am sitting here typing and I am thinking about how this impacts my life. At first, I didn’t think it’s a good place to be at but on second thought, who says this is bad? I’ve only known hard work all throughout my life, maybe that’s exactly what’s wrong. Why am I working hard through effort when I can achieve the same conclusion through some smarts added to the effort?

The period of doubt is like an old fling that you’ve gotten well acquainted with. Every time she leaves you you tell yourself no more, but your emotions swirls out of control every time you see her at your door. The only thing keeping you sane is the stone cold fact that you are married with a wife and she’s watching you from the kitchen.

Except I don’t have a wife.

“THIS IS HUGE!” Fred told me over the phone, not sure if he is in Vancouver or Montreal, lots of siren in the background. I think I made some feeble attempt to try and make it seem less exciting, I was still in that stage of denial where things haven’t hit me yet. In fact, I had such a huge headache during the weekend that I don’t think I was thinking much if at all.

There were certain things that I did and regretted due to the roller coaster of emotions and doubts, but this time I am mature enough to go back and apologize. I understand that people will understand. This time, there will be no regrets, no hurt feelings. This time I am going to do it MY WAY!

I know this feeling. I see you and you me. Let’s make things happen.

The financial disaster only served to delay the inevitable by a year. Originally, I was shocked into self preservation mode to stay on the job but as time went by, it became increasingly obvious to me that I can no longer work on a job where I can’t see any hope.

Hope: The deep rooted desire to be always improving.

When going to work is as easy as spreading peanut butter on toast, it is time to change. I’ve done similar things throughout my career, completely quit before I found the next job in the ladder. The period of intense change and rapid fire action always seems to bring out the best in me. My true character only reveals himself during periods of intense duress And before that moment, I am just average.

This time around is very different from previous rounds of quitting. You see, I am out of the rat race. Meaning I don’t need to work to support myself anymore. It doesn’t mean that I am extremely rich, just that I am richer and that I have the skills to deploy those money to support myself while earning more. It is a very well thought out event, I am not rage quitting nor did I get sick and tired of working (well a little bit of this).

To be honest, I did look for jobs throughout the year, the most notorious of which was a 3 days event with Intel which took me one month to prepare for. I had three interviews to get into the final 2 candidate and then they flew me down there for the final interview all expenses paid just like in those movies about hackers. Of course, I wasn’t good enough for them, it is the great recession after all and I was up against industry veterans that has 10 or more years of experiences. It was a position with their new pet “Larrabee” project that eventually got canceled. I am glad though that I didn’t make it, otherwise I would’ve been out of a job by now. This trip deserves a whole entry on its own and i am glad that I can write about all these now that all the NDA I signed will be annulled (As well as the Matrox ones).

What’s next?

There are two possibilities, both of which will finally allow me to focus purely on programming. 1. is to develop the automated trading platform and fine tuning the existing one so I can continue earning the rewards that I am earning from my investment. 2. is to get the team together and get started on making my game.

Before any of these gets done though, I have to sell my condo and all its contents as well as move to Vancouver. These are the things that are definitely going to happen. Quebec’s real estate is pretty much in a bubble. With the recent tax increases and a 60% debt to GDP ratio, it didn’t take me long to realize that Quebec is now locked into the financial death spiral. The beginning of the burst will be the rise of interest rates. I don’t want to time the peak, nor do I want to wait around for that. It just so happened that a lot of different factors coincided together for me to be able to finally say “Fuck it!”

Why Vancouver?

The choice for Vancouver is made after having been to most of the major cities in Canada. Vancouver is a place where I can shine the brightest as I have all the skills that naturally pushes me ahead of the herd. First of all, they speak English. Secondly, there’s a huge Mandarin speaking population so my mother tongue is actually a benefit instead of a hindrance in Vancouver. You remove the language barrier and you remove the biggest frustration that I face in Montreal.

At my age, it is no longer about developing skills against adverse environments or fitting in. It’s about deploying existing skills in the environment that favors me.

Waiting, for the previous trainer to finish his topic while mentally simulating my part in the presentation. The jokes I am going to insert, the questions I am going to ask and the exercises that I will make them do.

Waiting before a board meeting with bigwigs of a company. Calming my nerves with coffee and repeating to myself what not to say or think. Forcing myself to take it easy and find a way to believe that they are my long time friends.

Waiting for many many occasions right before a big important unknown. Exciting, exhausting and emotional. Over and over again until it no longer phases me because I no longer seek other people’s approval on my performance.

Yet nothing compares to this. A large buildup to an event of something I’ve been waiting for years on. Compared to the other shorter term transitions, I can’t rely on the flow of the moment to get me through the internal turmoils. No, the prboelm with this is that I have too much time to think without being able to act on anything. Too much time to criticize, too much time to read about other’s failures and too much time for doubts.

Worst of all, I am seeking the approval of myself from myself. The most critical person in the world.

Waiting…

Call this a poem if you’d like.

A sense of disappointment and indifference have started overwhelming my mood after each dance class. Perhaps I have wanted it to give life some positivity so much that it couldn’t keep up with my expectations. I noticed that I went through the same cycle every time I move and decide to pick up dancing again.

I tried to rationalize what is going on, but am at a loss for the root cause of it. Originally, I had thought that the disappointment comes from dancing with woman whom I thought aren’t as good as me and that the search for perfection is deluding me from the reality of the real partnership. There is o perfect connection and I will be happier if I don’t look for it. Yet, this shouldn’t be a problem this time. This time, I started with the specific intention of socializing instead of dancing.

Still, I feel it. The mental agony cries out when the lady couldn’t match the tempo of a double turn. The cringe of a fake smile whenever the woman complains about a lead being too sudden, but a complaint caused by the lack of her connection. Could it be that once you’ve walked past certain level of expertise that you can never go back? I want to experience that high from a perfect connection someone once showed me. Or perhaps it is just in my imagination and I have already surpassed that level? As has been proven time and time again when I look at my past teachers and realizing that I am the better dancer.

Until I feel it again, I will futilely continuing working on the basics, improving my stamina and strengthening all the small supporting muscles. Wherever you are, don’t take too long in showing up, I don’t know when my hope will die.

That loneliness factor had never entered the equation when I was deciding on similar events before. All of a sudden, I find myself confused about possibly giving up the things I’ve come to treasure. Mainly, the relationships that are already established. Am I running away? Do I have the strength to make the right decision? Perhaps I’ve lost some of the luster of youth. Desiring more for comfort of the established life and the warmth of the familiar. Will I kill the dreams for it? Have reality pummeled so hard that I have stopped daring to dream?

On the other side of the equation, pulling me on. Is the promise of certain freedom. Freedom from certain binding which seems like it can be achieved soon. The two opposite factors should have canceled the need to make a decision if you average them mathematically, but the reality of life is that they contribute to adding more tension to the rope. When the rope snaps, the momentum will be greater.

One thing I know is that I am taking this decision more seriously than previous similar ones I’ve made. Enough so that I have taken Christmas week off to think it over and look at it from all point of view.

I have never taken a Christmas vacation before.

Yeah, that’s right. I’ve always worked through Christmas since I waded into the pond of adulthood. The decision to take the days off was subconscious before the true implication of what this decision will mean was clear to me. Goes to show how my subconscious is treating this as the top issue to be sorted out in my life. Yes, more important than sex, money and chocolate. That is all I can say for now, since there are people in my readership who will be impacted by this.

Yes, I have a vague idea of who’s reading me, except for a few permanent reader from foreign countries that I am pretty sure I’ve never been to. Thanks for reading. You are my one way psychologist. Considering how cheap ass I am, I don’t see this being replaced by a real psychologist soon.

This change of concept is vastly different from the traditional belief of lead and follow to a more harmonized approach to invitation and usage. Along with the realization that you can only have a perfect dance when both parties are able to go all out at 120%. If 100% is you dancing perfectly, then 120% is both of you going faster, sharper and more emotional from leap frogging off of each others momentum. In this interaction, a guy no longer leads forcefully and a girl no longer follows blindly.  The man will have to be confident enough to not abuse the role that initiates steps while the woman has to be confident enough to take the invitation with full force.

I’ve been able to lead everyone so far into what I want to do by using the strongly lead expecting the woman to reciprocate with a strong follow. So why am I looking for that elusive connection? Because it’s the difference between having to adjust the way I dance to the woman’s need and not having to think at all and just let my body do what it wants.

Fast forward to today and I danced with Dihilia at about 80% of my maximum ability with Salsa level 1 steps, but it was enough to awaken something in me. If you want me to describe me, I can only reference to the fight club scene where Tyler was describing how fighting changes your perspective in life. How you start sizing people up on the street and everyone you meet. With that slight disapproving scowl on his face. As if your whole life before this was unsatisfying, you can beat up anyone you meet and you are pissed that you only realized it now. To tell you the truth, I probably danced like I used to, or probably even less skillful than before when I was at my prime. What has changed is a complete synchronization of dance and life. I don’t have to pretend anymore and what I dance is what I am.

Or, another way of describing this, I have become what I pretended to be.

Which to my surprise, proved that the opposite is actually more exhilarating as a result and requires some modification in my thinking of what is considered talent. I haven’t danced with beginners for a long time and never in my life danced with so many of them in such a short time. On top of that, salsa is close enought to dancesport so that most of the skills and techniques are interchangeable, except for my 11 somewhat years of built-in instinct to start on the 2 or the 4. Salsa starts with 1.

The similarity means that the lead and follow should somewhat be the same in both groups and that what I notice in one applies to another as well. Back to the point, I’ve been noticing that some selected few beginners possesses some talents that I’ve only felt in top dancers before. In the way they spin, in the way they respond to a connection and in how they prefer to carry their frame.  I’ve always thought that these type of thing is taught and improved over time, but if I was not delusional when I was dancing with these newbies, then I am wrong and these are things that you are born with and is inherent in your personality.

Hence, the pro’s claims to know who you are from the way you dance.

The idea leads me to an interesting conclusion which I didn’t see before. Maybe there isn’t a “universal lead”. For years, I’ve chased after the holy grail of the men’s role in dancing and that is to be able to lead everyone while believing that if only I can perfect my lead, if only I can perfect it to what a perfect lead is, then I can do it. Herein lies my mistake, in which I believed the existence of an ideal.

So perhaps I need to adjust my lead and find what the perfect lead is for each lady, in the process becoming many different perfect lead myself. But if this is the truth, then there must be a perfect follower for the natural tendencies in which I normally lead.