In the past, I’ve talked about this division in my mind before. That my full consciousness is a hive mind that harmonizes all the opinions in the individual personalities that exists. In psychology, I believe they call this, multiple personality disorder, a naming that I am most strongly opposed of. Let me just take some time to vent my beef about psychology. Which is the fact that they focuses on categorizing things as a disorder or disease instead of trying to fully see a special way to utilize the human mind. Psychology, is a study on how to force the human mind to think normally. In the most acceptable fashion. A feat that has been nagging me until recently once I rejected that whole part of academia, my outlook on life is much brighter.

Here’s a simple truth that I am going to state to hopefully one day make them realize. That other people’s belief in what you are has a great influence on what you are. Glass is half full, glass is half empty. Your base emotional response is different.

Now, back to this energy draining process that I went through last night. Ever since I started delegating simple addition and subtraction task to my subconscious and treating it as a human being, it has evolved into a kind of a group of sentient advisors that co-exists with me. At the moment, they haven’t developed into active voices and aggressive personalities that tries to take over me yet (as often depicted in movies) but they’ve been able to bring my attention to different details that stand out as odd. (And in the stock market, provide an instant estimation on mathematical calculations.) I nurture them by specifically giving them a function and something to do and I ask their opinion on certain subjects as if they are a respectable person. Of course, the interaction is not as grandiose as what you see in movies. The replies are mostly in feelings, or replays of imagery of certain details I missed. I am not sure if they can speak human languages yet.

The reason I am doing this is simple. I need different specializations that can process and give me feed back fast because I know that a logical mind cannot work through a problem fast enough in the real world because our thoughts are single threaded and are done in the speed of sound. (We think logically using a language). I’ve done some studies in the history of multiple personality disorder and discovered finding which indicate that in most of the cases, the multiple personalities are created by the psychologist. By giving name to a special set extreme behavior that is unexpected from the person and relating that to some other name than the person’s name. The psychologist created the disorder in the process of trying to cure the person from what originally was a mild case of mood swing. Record shows that disconnection from the psychologist lessened the personality switch but the damage is already done.

So you see what I am doing here? I am going through the same process, but in a more guided and loving manner. You see, I actually want to co-exist with my mentat side, who’s life’s joy is “more data”. My emotional reader who gets a kick out of reading body languages and the thrill of bartering. As the negotiations drag on yesterday, I was made aware of statements of behaviors that goes out of the norm. During the negotiations, I didn’t have the time to properly analyze what it is, so I only know enough to steer in the opposite direction of where the conversation is going, but after analyzing the specific event myself and talking about it with people more experienced in buying and selling condos. I was able to understand more clearly which tactics the buyers were trying to use on me to goad me into the direction that they want to go. What they didn’t understand though, is my ability to believe myself to be innocent and gullible. They lost, the moment they stepped into my front door. More on that later once the deal got the blessings of the notary.

Whereas before, there used to be a very big disconnect between the characters that I was when I was in different circles in dancing, working and school. Nowadays there is only one character in all circles in terms of stature, financial stability, decision making and likability.

Notice the use of the word character. I kept the word from my first draft because that is the most fitting description of how I think I am right now. Character because who I am is a deliberate creation of who I wanted to be in the past. After “THAT” particular event, I only had a vague understanding of what was wrong with me. It was enough to allow me to take my first step in rounding out my rough edges. Asking people didn’t help, I had to fumble my way around a bit to be able to see my problems. Character, because I am still not sure if I am a creation of my old self or I am actually me.

It’s still work in progress, but what I set out to change about me in personality are: Competitiveness and criticism. These two came too naturally for me and I had to “act” the opposite of what my natural tendency is at the beginning in order to get a feel of the opposites. Once I did that, I am then able to take over with my logical mind to decide what to keep and what to leave behind. It is a different way of being and there were a lot of mistakes made, I only hope that one day, I don’t have to control my natural tendency because the natural response is the way I want to be.

That is the plan for inner harmony. For the outer harmony, I set about very concrete steps to improve my finances and expand the network of people I know. These are more measurable improvements that gave me strength as I see the finish line cropping closer. What seemed like an impossible and desperate task just a few years ago now seemed almost within grasp.

Now when I walk onto the dance floor. I no longer have to pretend to be an alpha male. I am one. The difference is, I can be one without being aggressive against others. Rather, being the magnet that draws people who wants to lean on the strength of someone strong and solid. THAT is the difference between real dominance and fake ones.

I am here, where I wanted to be, instead of always having to fake who I think I ought to be.

What I think is happening is that people can sense my internal change from the biggest realization I had this year; that I no longer needs a job to support myself.  Which changed my attitude in encounters to be just that much less defensive while not fearing repercussion of standing my ground. It’s less about gaining face and appearing to be competent and more about what and where my life is headed towards. John is right. As you get near to 30, it looks more and more like your life is building up to this point. Is this mid life crisis?

My job involves daily interaction with customers and it used to be a tough job with a lot of friction and flared temper. However, I recently find myself cracking jokes with everyone who called me and hanging up the phone with a smile. Sometimes it was the clients who would intentionally drag the conversation on to talk about other things in life. Maybe I’ve got the friendly buddy attitude down to an art without actually realizing it. Maybe because most of them have known me for a while now that they’ve grown to like me.

The best part that floored me is when things fall behind on my end, the clients find excuses for my behavior when i know perfectly well that I just couldn’t keep up. My jaw dropped the first time I encountered that, and up until this day it is still a mind boggling phenomena that I can’t quite figure out yet.

What I am actually having more trouble with are people within my own company whom I didn’t have much interactions with. Very ironic when your own people gives you more problem than outsiders. Food for thought.

Maybe some of you who know me in real life that bothers to read this can one day tell me what your observations are.

P23: Real happiness, my father liked to say, came not from anything that was given to you, or that was easy to get. It came from striving to accomplish things and then accomplishing them. You had to do things right. If you left grass tufts sticking up when you mowed the lawn, you had to do it again.

P28: Never be awed by title or position.

P29: My time in government had taught me that whom you work with is as important as what you do.

P31: Remember, you are not going to get ahead, in any case, being a grunt.

P39: There are no dress rehearsals in life. Do you really want to be 75 and telling people I could have been treasury secretary?

P40: My epiphany came while I was flying out to the Microsoft meeting. As I thought through my decision, I recognized that it was simply fear that was causing me such anxiety. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown: the uncertainty of working with a group of people I had never worked with before and managing people I had never managed before.

The nature of a democratic political is such that nothing can be done until a crisis happens. The deadlock between two major political parties of equal influence means that nothing can get done during time of peace when problems are only just brewing. Everything has to wait until the last minute, until your arteries are cut open.

The congress is a glamorized version of high school popular kids who often make decisions not based on what is good for the country, but what makes them appear good in public. Or, what we want them to do to appear good. They are a reflection of our internal desires of what someone in power should be like and it doesn’t necessarily mean in depth knowledge of the economy when it comes to making economic decisions.

I’ve always wondered why the government doesn’t just go ahead and do what I think is right. What every trader in the market know they should do and eventually ended up doing too late. This book explained it all. The amount of political, legal and personal restrictions on any action that is to be taken at all makes it impossible for the ruling party to react in a fast enough way facing a crisis. We are doomed to the cycle of boom and busts and we just have to accept it as it is.

Ever since the depression started in 2007. Or at least, since I started tracking it and forecasting it in 2007, I have been leaning heavily on the spirituals to calm my nerves and ease the stress. If anything, the economic problems turns life into a constant stress, au lieu de the normal up and down swings between stress and relaxation.

Sian, or rather, Zen in its mispronounced state, offered but temporary comfort on the surface. In the end, the erosion that I felt everywhere corrupts the temporary aura of peace from whatever meditation I emerged from. I feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with the teachings of any Buddhism based ideal. In that, they feel so disconnected with my self discovered meaning of life. Life is change, death is sameness.

All my efforts to calm myself down, to logically reason myself to passivity and to ascend the current state of understanding were all eventually destroyed by this one underlying question:

ARE YOU SATISFIED?

That is the root of all my conflicts. Every excuse, effort and action to calm myself are all because I am trying to smother this question without answering it. It transcends morality, loyalty, legality and any form of restriction that I placed upon myself. Till I eventually have to face it and answer it only to be propelled into action.

NO!

That is the current motto that I live by. I don’t try to apologize for what I say or do, I don’t take time to think about a person’s possible negative reaction to possible implied meaning that I didn’t think about.

I noticed that I go through cycles of over thinking and over doing where I touch both extremes before pulling back. Usually as a result of too much negative response from people I interact with. With time, I started calibrating the type of extremes to the type of person I am interacting with.

Thinker

When I am in the thinking extreme, I write a lot, I am also quieter than usual as I turn everything in my mind 3 times to tune it to the new personality trait I am aiming for. I read, I look for things that attracts me and analyze why they attract me. I absorb whatever comes my way and try to interact with people to find out their opinions/reactions.

Achiever

After times of thinking, comes the doing phase. I take care to completely cut myself off from influences during the thinking phase, subconsciously due to a genetic trait that makes me easily addicted to anything. I detach myself so I can create my own style, because I realize that only after finding my own equilibrium and my own way can I grow the confidence that my decision will eventually work out. I also need this so I am not forced with the dilemna of having to choose whether or not some idea is right or wrong.

Fluid self

The basis of human nature is such that whenever an opinion is presented, the self generate a very strong sense of agreement and disagreement. It strip away the choice to observe and then decide which way is best suited for your own person. This process is usually done for the other person’s benefit. So that they can have a clear mental image of who you are. The truth of who I am or who you are is fluid.

From time to time, I meet up with people I know from my past and always, I try to uphold the person that I am today, instead of the person ingrained in their memory. So far, the interaction have always fallen back to the old ways. Perhaps because my newer self is always weaker or perhaps because to communicate with that person, I have to fall back to my former self that is already molded to their liking in their memory. This is why, I always dress up during my first encounter with strangers. It is better to be known latter in a football game as dressing comfortably in a t-shirt than to be seen as in my usual attire in my Ts.

On the subjecting of pursuing your passion

The latest personality battleground for me has been the matter of a pursuit in my passion. I have been discussing this with several people who are both in pursuit or have given up their passion. I will leave this to my next post since I have ran out of motivation for writing. The zone has dissappeared, but it will make for an interesting discussion.

Update on life

Social life is picking up quite a bit this year to a point where I have to constantly decide whether to go to an event or stay home to finish up a project. I usually prefer the weekend for social events, but they have recently spilled over to weekdays. This type of life is something I used to dream about having, but once I get to the point, I immediately realize that it is nothing to gloat about. I am an introvert, this type of things requires effort, but I am willing to work on this bug in my personality.

I had the opportunity to meet up with Kush in a get together recently as he visits Montreal for a short period. It is always a pleasure interacting with his group of people whom I’d otherwise not had a chance to meet in real life. The sheer diversity of their skills and the success that each person have is an inspiration in itself. It is exactly the reminder I need to keep myself going. I have yet to figure out my place in his group of friends, but hopefully it will be something along the line of investment as I chase after my passion. Once I crossed the 5 year mark of experience and after having survived this greater depression, I will have the confidence to say that I have the skills.

I have a new roomate now. After only 2 days of posting my add and several inquiries later, I’ve chosen Mayira as my roomate. She is from Venezuela and is a translator. I liked her stability in her job as well as her perspective that is surely to be different from mine. Some people ask how I can trust a stranger like that to which I replied:” I don’t, but I have absolute confidence in my ability to judge a person.” It doesn’t mean that I will be stupid though. If engineering taught me anything, is to have redundancies in any checks.

Yes, because when the universe spells out your name, or describes you in your entirety, there will be someone else with the exact same background and experience, vying to be the hero of the day. You often end up fighting a mirror of yourself in order to be the hero chosen to die for a cause. If you win, you get to die in glory. If you lose… well, you get to live, but forgotten.

My greatest rivals if life have always been someone similar to me. Similarity means we have the same goal and fight for the same limited resources. I have always known this subconsciously which is probably why, I always disliked men who are like me. Each conflict teaches me something about myself, allowing me to see who I am from the outside.

It feels as though I shouldn’t be going against myself, that I should be befriend those who are similar to me. Creating an army out of thin air. Alas I have no reached that state spiritually. So until then, I will fight and fall back with each failure in the hope that I will learn something in between battles. One day, losing will feel like winning, but until then, I will lick my wounds.

Still, the fact remains that I am thriving because I prepared for this worst case scenario. Several years of abstinence from wasteful spending and dedication to the improvement of my skill culminated in success when everything around me is crashing and burning. Sure, it was tough watching people splurge and get ahead while I trail behind and grind away at life, but for some reason that seems to have added to my ability to get ahead when the situation turns around. I have less of an ego to get in the way and recovers faster when things don’t go my way. I am just used to it. My way has always been that of a less traveled road, because of that, moments where I can benefit and enjoy are far less frequent, at the same time and more intense.

I had always doubted my way, never fully believing that it will work out until it actually did. This crisis taught me that there is no correct way of living life and I am glad that I did it my way.

The adjustment

I believe I went through a period of adjustment and have come out completely opposite of what I used to be. Not wanting to come out first in anything nor looking at anyone as a rival anymore. There are only people who I can work with to achieve goals together and those who don’t.

Mind you, I still get pissed off inside when someone takes something as a competition when I don’t want to do that. You know, those who taunts you in an attempt to get into a race so they can win and feel better. In that sense of view, I am still very much controlled by competition. Controlled in the sense that this type of person majorly pisses me off. I still need to work on not being affected by them.

Reason why I need to compare

So why am I comparing myself against others again? This time, I am glad that it is for a greater good. I need to do this so that I can accurately judge the facts that people spills out. Watching the news, I realize that there’s a lot of people out there who are just parrots, repeating others where in fact they have no idea what they are talking about. It is important for me to be able to accurately differentiate this so I can determine whether or not to actually consider what the person has to say or use it as a model to understand what the general population is thinking about.

What changed

To do so, I have to shed the passive aggressive mantle that is favored by my humble fellow asians and actually consider the realty that I might be better than most people at certain tasks. And that I can do things that they cannot just because of the way I am.

To be able to admit this as a fact and not do so blindly out of pride is a major step in my life.

The first generation, founded in poverty uses blood, sweat and hardwork to build the foundation. So that an industrious mind and the desire for a better life drives the generation to follow.

The second generation steps on the stability of the first in order to receive a higher education and become a specialized professional with high earning power. Making way for the third generation to eanble them to dedicate their time fully to the pursuit of their goal.

The thrid generation, the easiest to falter is the decisive factor. Born rich and well fed, does not know the meaning of hardship. It is mostly a gamble here on whether or not the son will use the money to just live comfortably and fade away, or if he will take advantage of an absence of needing to fend for his bread in order to dedcate to his cause.

It only takes one generation that slacks off to destroy all the previous efforts.

My dad was the first generation and I am the second. This is my generational strategy.